SEX OFFENDER
As an adult I try and avoid rooms filled with kids to the same extent I try to avoid sexual partners sporting crusty, puss-filled genitle sores and a custard-coloured vaginal discharge. But kids and VD have something in common - sometimes, try as you might, you just cannot avoided them. All you can do is roll your sleeves up, get stuck in, and hope the clawing sense of shame washes off in the morning (and the crusty puss round your cock and pubes, depending on circumstances).

About nine years ago I was seeing a lovely girl named Maria. She suffered from one of these terrible conditions. No, not VD - she had a kid. A little bruiser named Bruno. I actually got on really well with the little twat, truth told.

But this relationship threw up a new and interesting dynamic. For the year or so I was seeing Maria I became - God help him - a surrogate father to the boy named after Britain's slowest, most annoying, maddest boxing champ.

On a rainy night in December I found myself sat in a school hall, bored, watching the heavy rain hammer against the large windows and the trees outside dance like electrocuted spastics. Occasionally, the motion sensors set up outside would trigger and throw searing bright light across the pitch dark schoolyard. It was like a scene from a scary movie. On stage the little darlings were going through their paces. Maria was sat next to me, holding my hand, beaming as little Bruno wowed the crowd with his rendition of a fucking raindeer. All very nice.

Maria leaned close to me and whispered: "What do you think?"

I whispered back, after some consideration, "I really, really, REALLY need a piss - I shouldn't have drank all that coffee on the way over. The boy's doing good," I said. "I'm just off to have a slash. I'll be back asap."

And I slinked off to find the toilets.

Now, the thing about primary schools is they fucking scare me. Its a bit like being in Land of the Giants, only I'm the giant. All the coathooks are low down, the door handles are set lower in the doors, all the pictures on the walls are at a nice height for the little fuckers to gaze longingly at. It just freaks me out.

There was no one about - everyone involved with the school was busy doing something for the nativity production, so I figured I'd have to find my own way to the bogs. After a bit of wondering about, I found some toilets. Unfortunately the little kids were using it as a changing room. I opened the door, reaching for my cock and relief, when a couple of angelic faces looked up at me. The two little boys were stripped to their pants, struggling into their costumes. I quickly released my cock, backed away and shut the door. Shit! I really didn't fancy being accused of being a kiddie-fiddler. I stood outside, feeling my bladder swell even more.

Fuck it, I thought, Maria's going to be pissed if I take much longer and my bladder's about to explode - only one thing for it...

Back in the hall the nativity continues. Mary and Joseph and the reindeers (don't ask), have just found a place for the night in the stables. But just as Joseph starts thanking the Innkeeper every head in the place turns soundlessly to the windows.

The motion sensors have just gone off again, throwing brilliant light over the rainsoaked schoolyard.

Only this time there's somebody stood outside, and he seems to be looking into the hall.

There's a small gasp from one of the parents. I imagine somebody may have suggested calling the police in hushed tones.

Because the man stood outside in the corner of the schoolyard, appearing to be peering into the hall, had a childs' raincoat covering his head and face and he had his cock in his hands...

Thankfully, the lights went off very quickly, and the mysterious pervert at the window disappeared too. Maria told me all about him on the way home.

I was, of course, utterly disgusted.

But God is a vengeful cunt. In my haste to get zipped up and back in the hall, I accidentally dangled my bell end in a patch of stinging nettles.

I sat there for the rest of the night scratching and squirming like I'd caught a bout of the clap.

"Are you ok?" asked Maria.

I stopped scratching: "Yes, I'm fine, thanks - just got a splinter from one of those chairs in the hall," I lied.

"I know what you mean - its amazing how much pain you can get from just one little prick, isn't it?"

I simply nodded and laughed nervously.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 10:17, 3 replies)

Smiles and clicks.
Oh yes.

Then again, 2 out of 4, only needs god and a pun.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 10:30, closed)

God
and shit pun added. Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 10:57, closed)

Imagining
All the comments the next day at the school is still making me laugh.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 10:55, closed)