Cricket
Apologies for the length in advance, been waiting for an opportunity to get this out there.

Cricket: There is no sport in England where nepotism causes a bigger problem.

In my more athletic days (yes - Athletic and Cricket in the same sentence) I was a good leg spin bowler. Having watched Shane Warne destroy England, I saw what a job a "leggy" could do and became pretty good at it.

Now, my local village team had a season of joy. We played 32 times in total, and won 29 matches. We won the league (albeit the 9th of 10 divisions) and made it to the local cup final. And this was with Pete in our team. Pete, the son of the teams captain, club chairman and the person who had paid for the new clubhouse.

Pete was fucking woeful. He thought he could bowl, but in the first 10 matches he set a seasons record for runs conceded, wides bowled and didn't take a wicket. He couldn't catch, but his dad, the team captain, put him in at slip. As a bowler, I counted 13 chances he'd dropped from my bowling. He wanted to bat No.3. He got to double figures once. He averaged 7 for the season in question; shows how well the rest of us were playing.

Come the local cup final, a rumour spreads around the village that Pete was injured. He was; he'd pulled a muscle in his back. But his dad still puts him in the team. So the rest of the team have a plan; put him at Deep Fine Leg (yes - I know, non-cricketers; these words mean nothing to you) and hope no one hits it there.

Now we bat first, Pete gets 3 and out, but we manages to get to 229. A decent 40 over total. We begin to bowl, and after 32 overs, we are owning them. They needed 14 an over to win. Then Father puts Pete on.

1st over, he goes for 25. I bowl from the other end, and go for 2 runs. Next over, Pete goes for 22; next, I go for a maiden. He bowls 2 more overs and brings the opposition back into the game. Bowlers are swapped around and it comes to over 40 with the other team needing 31 runs.

I have one over of my allotted 8 left, as does our best fast bowler, Andy. He's an ex-Nottinghamshire player who, although 48, still bowls tight. He gives me the nod to say "mine" and walks to the middle to bowl his last over, and we all think "That's it, we've won". More than 30 from an over; 5 sixes and more, fuck off...

"Andy, take a rest, Pete can bowl this" shouts the captain.

Utter cuntfuckwankbastard.

His final over went 6, 3 (no ball), 2, 4, 4, 6, 3 (no ball), 6. Fucking 34. 30 fucking 4.

The opposition had their last batsmen in and he gave away 34 runs. Their captain came and asked "what the fuck happened there- if he'd put the ball on the track you would have won."

Pete came in the dressing room afterwards, and just said, "you could have given me more runs to play with..."
(The Kitchen Sink, Sun 12 Oct 2014, 21:10, 3 replies)

Alright Kevin.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sun 12 Oct 2014, 21:24, closed)

Cricket really is incomprehensible, isn't it?

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 13 Oct 2014, 12:17, closed)

But delightfully civilised...
You gotta respect a sport, where matches of the highest form include provision for 5 sleeps and 10 meal breaks.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 14 Oct 2014, 12:07, closed)