Nightclubs & Phone Dating
It was 1999, I'd just moved to the town where I currently reside (we like to murder prostitutes).

Having moved about the country for a few years, I'd lost contact with most of my friends and didn't know too many people in my new job and the friends I'd stayed in contact with didn't ever fancy the 15 odd mile drive for a night out with bumpkins. Quite frankly I was lonely.

The answer? Phone Dating of course! The interweb wasn't available to me at that point, so perusing through the adverts at the back of a local paper, I decided to give it a go.

I say this with little self-esteem nor pride, but I've never had sex with so many girls with nice personalities.

It also led to the worst date ever.

I met her, let's call her Bee, at her parents house. I was to go out with her and her friend for the evening.

When I arrived, I was invited in to the kitchen where Bee and her pal were drinking Moscow Mules through straws.

Bee was short & dumpy, had greasy hair, bottle glasses,a tight summer dress that showed the folds and appeared to be drinking her Moscow Mule through a plastic penis. Yes, a plastic penis. I was later informed these were purchased from Ann Summers, 'penis straw toppers' or something.

"Classy" I thought to myself, but took the offered warm Becks and struck up conversation, even though I immediately realised I preferred my dates pal to my actual date. I should have walked out then and there, but not being a git, I decided to give Bee a chance.

A brief taxi ride later and we're in the first nightclub, Brannigans. I dislike nightclubs with a passion at the best of times, but more so when I am sober. And even more so when my date is on a Monday evening AND I'm sober AND it's karaoke night. And I should also mention that my date and her pal bought along their penis straws and insisted on drinking every drink with them.

She MADE me sing every kind of couples song there was, penis straw in hand; Love Lift us up, Summer Nights, Love Shack etc. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to get drunk enough to survive this evening. But I persevered.

Then we moved on to the next club around the corner. No karaoke here, "thank you dear lord". But they did sell pizza at the bar.

"What do you want to drink Bee"?

"I'll have a Moscow Mule and a slice of pizza please".

"Excuse me? They sell pizza in a nightclub"?

"Yeah. I'm feeling a little weak".

"Okaaaay....."

I don't want to be a git, but if you're trying to impress a date, DO NOT drink through a straw with a penis on the end all evening and do not shovel a pizza down your throat* whilst your date looks on with morbid curiosity as to how a very well built girl feels weak.

And so it came to the end of the evening. Finally the JD shots I had been necking since the karaoke are kicking in. I've got that kinda warm, fuzzy, swaying, 'everything is cool with the world' JD feeling.

We go outside for a taxi. Her slightly more attractive friend has gone already. I'm within 20 minutes stagger of home, but being a gent, I wait with her in the taxi queue to make sure she gets a cab ok.

She says she is cold and so I give her my jacket. She says she's still cold and can I put my arms around her. I'm standing behind her and wrap my arms around her. Slowly she starts to run her ample bottom against my groin. In one of my, very rare, moments I think "Hey, she likes me".

And then she farts. Not a cute, little lady, "Oops I parped" kind of fart. But a long, drawn out, almost followed through, damp kinda fart. I have no problem with these in a long term relationship BUT NOT ON A FIRST DATE! Especially when in physical contact with my groin and the vibrations travel through my jeans and undies and I feel a warm draft across my balls. She didn't even show any sign of embarrassment.

I packed her in a taxi and went home.

Did I see her again? Yes, I did.

It wasn't until our third date and I was giving her a massage and found out that she could grow a better beard on the small of her back than I could on my face that I realised things just wouldn't work between us.


*Shovelling pizza/kebab/burger/my penis down your throat at the END of the evening is perfectly acceptable though.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 22:32, 3 replies)

Hahaha! Oh dear
But well played for being gentemanly enough to stick it out for another 2 dates as well.

1st date and having your balls farted on = badness
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 23:04, closed)

The farting.
I can see why her farting in that region would be a no-no; but why can't a girl fart on a first date? As you said it's acceptable in a long-term relationship, why should try to hide all her foibles on a first date?
(ste_mc_efc, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 0:56, closed)

Nice one
"I've never had sex with so many girls with nice personalities"... in my home town, this means ugly girls. Do I win a biscuit?

btw, you had me in stitches with the final sentence and the footnote. Nice one :-)
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 2:48, closed)