Ceremonies
Went to a cousin's wedding in Newcastle area. I don't usually care for family occasions, as I hate awkwardly chatting with most of my distant aunties & uncles who happen to know everything about me because they're a million old, and tell the same wanky jokes that they did when I was a kid, and I didn't find them funny then.

So, as predicted, I was wandering awkwardly through the bar after the wedding, (where me and my dad, did the old "forbidden laugh" thing, where you find the slightest thing absolutely fucking hilarious in silent situations and just laugh each other because we're both laughing, and forget what we were laughing about in the first place, nearly bursting onto fellow pew warmers in the church) and met up with my family, and promptly it was announced that the meal was about to served in the dining room. This was about 4 o'clock, and everyone had been drinking since about 1ish, on empty stomachs. Therefore my Dad was a bit pissed, and getting into the mood of "Embarrass everyone you meet".

So waiting in the line to get in to the dining room, my sister says, "Hold my pint, I need to goto the toilet", and I says, "ok" and she wanders off. Didn't notice I was 3 people away from greeting the bride and groom with 2 pints in my hands. So I say to my dad, "Dad, hold one of these pints a sec", and I shake my cousins hand, and proceed to kiss the bride on the cheek, leaning forward in the process.

I came back, noticing my pint felt lighter. I looked down at the bride's dress and yeah, you guessed it, i had spilt 3/4 of my pint of snakebite all down her white wedding dress.

Thing is, bride hadn't noticed, until my dad pipes up, howling, "HAHAHAHAH!!! You idiot, you spilt your pint all down her dress!!!"

Was there any fucking NEED for that?!

Cue me turning claret in embarrassment and her turning claret in anger. She runs off crying to the toilet while I scamper away sheepishly, while my Dad is doubled over on the floor, laughing sadistically. Haven't spoken to said Cousin's wife since. Or rather, she hasn't spoken to me.

That was also the weekend my engine decided to fuck itself up, costing me about 700 quid. No, fucking, need.

my penis is massive.
(1.21 Gigawatts, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 15:05, Reply)