First of all, great story HLT
It's nicely written - the metaphors work well, and the overall tone is perfect. It's got a certain haunting melancholy about it.

Becky mentioned the overuse of the word 'heavy' - the same could be said for the word 'garden' in the seventh paragraph. I have a tendency to do the same thing, overuse the same word until it kind of loses it's meaning. You could maybe replace it, in the sentence "The garden that she had planned..." with 'plot' or 'area.' I always use www.thesaurus.com when I'm writing, in case I need to come up with another way of saying something, without using the same words.

The only other thing is the name 'Elinor' - personally, I would spell it 'Eleanor,' but that may just be me. I just think it looks better, but feel free to tell me to fuck off if I'm being too pedantic.

Other than that, the writing was excellent - well done you. This off topic board is definitely the best thing to happen to B3ta - these fiction stories are superb.

*click*
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 20:50, Reply)