Home Despot
The couple walked into the warehouse-style store, chatting and consulting their list. “Now I think that we should look at mini blinds first,” the woman said. She unzipped her Eddie Bauer parka as she entered the store, her sandy brown hair ruffled by the breeze from the open door. Her husband nodded, his ball cap shadowing his eyes from the sodium lights in the ceiling. They looked around for the big overhead signs at the entrance to each aisle, and when they noticed that the signs weren’t there the confusion was clear on their faces.

A young looking thin man with untidy brown hair and glasses approached them. “Can I help you?” he asked in a somewhat high pitched voice, his watery blue eyes blinking behind the lenses.

“Ummm…” The woman’s eyes looked a little dazed as she turned to him. “Well, we just bought a house-“

“Then you’ve come to just the right place!” The man smiled, his badge gleaming in the harsh light from overhead so that the name was obscured. All the woman could see was the word MANAGER through the glare. He gestured. “Follow me.”

They walked down one aisle to where a rather portly man with a high forehead and a bulldog chin stood impassively polishing a silver tray. “Benito here will be a wonderful addition to your new home. He is the best major domo we have, and can mix a wonderful rum punch. He’s also very good at getting rid of unwanted salesmen at the door.”

“Well, I don’t know that we-“

“Oh, you don’t need a doorman? Okay then, right this way!” He led them around a corner to where a plump Chinese man stood with a beatific smile as he stirred vegetables in a sizzling wok. “Mao can create the most wonderful stir-frys you’ve ever tasted. And his hot and sour soup is beyond compare! Imagine never having to cook for yourself again!”

“Stir-frys?” The woman looked even more bewildered than before.

“Not a fan of Chinese cooking? Very well then, over here we have Pol, our expert gardener. See how he’s sculpted these topiary bushes? And he’s a true genius with roses. His assistant comes with him. Saddam is very capable, but you have to be careful to monitor him because he likes to use harsh chemical spray to rid the area of insects and can sometimes get a little carried away.”

“But we don’t have a garden-“

“Not to worry! Come this way.” He led them to another area of the store where a rather large man with a thick mustache and twinkling blue eyes stood wiping oil from his hands with a rag. “Josef here is an excellent auto mechanic. He studied in Moscow under Trotsky, and is quite good at finding final solutions to problems. And Adolf is our finest chauffer. I think you’ll agree that he looks quite sharp in his uniform?”

The man took off his ball cap and scratched at his sparse hair for a moment. “Uhh, we tend to drive ourselves-“

At that moment a rather dignified black man with a thick accent looked around the corner at the manager. “Mr. Gates, the computer has locked up again.”

“Not to worry, Idi. That’s a feature. When the computer gets overloaded it shuts itself down to keep the processor from catching fire.” The manager turned back to the couple. “So who would you like to take back with you today? The Shah is a truly talented bartender, and Leona will work wonders for your laundry-“

“Don’t you carry mini blinds here?” the woman interrupted desperately.

The manager blinked at her. “No, of course not. We only carry domestic servants here, re-trained from their former lives to make your lives more comfortable. That is our mission here at Home Despot.”

Her jaw sagged. “But-“

“I believe that the store you want is down the road about three miles on the left in a shopping center. Look for the big orange and white sign.”

“Oh…” She followed her husband out of the store.

He was fuming as they walked to their SUV. “Can you believe that? Of all things, to have a store like that in our neighborhood-“

She looked thoughtful. “You know, Mussolini could really add a touch of class to our house…”
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:04, Reply)