HELLBOY 2?
Hellboy-fucking-two?

Re-Post-

Tonight I went to the cinema with a couple of my friends.
All good and well, you might think. You'd be very wrong.

In the car on the way back, I had the window open, and we went through a puddle, splashing filthy, stinking road-water into my mouth.
The problem is that this was far from the worst thing that happened to me tonight.
That's right, I saw Hellboy II at the cinema.

Whilst this heap of shite is slightly preferable to being forcibly violated in the mouth by a dog, it's still worse than getting dirty mud-water in your mouth.

In short, I give this film 2/10.

My spoiler free-ish rant follows:

Point 1: Guillermo del Toro, I understand that Pan's Labyrinth was a big film for you. You don't need to shoe-horn all of the reject monster-ideas from it into another, unrelated film.

Point 2: Giving away how to kill the main bad-guy in the first ten minutes of the the film is fuckin' stupid. What's more stupid is that none of the characters realised this. Fuckin' 'tards.

Point 3: Young Hellboy... Seriously, kill it with hammers.

Point 4: Elves? Goblins? Trolls? Come on... Just because Lord Of The Rings did well, doesn't mean you need to include them in this.

Point 5: Dialogue... Just because George Lucas has made a lot of money, doesn't mean that he's good at writing dialogue. So don't copy him. Ever.

So, 2/10. One point for half-decent CG. One point for Hellboy being cool-ish.

Minus two points for the singing. Yes, seriously. Singing.

So, if I was offered a chance to see this film again, I'd cram as much cooked fish as I could into my mouth.
The fact that I'm powerfully allergic to it would mean that I'd spend the next hour and a half puking myself inside-out, instead of watching this pile of monkey-wank again.
( Cawl, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 23:00, Reply)