I don't know when I'm
quoting and when I'm not. I've said things in the past which I thought were witty only to discover I've unintentionally plagiarised someone.

My favourite quote comes from someone's criminal trial. I was told he'd been charged with assault, I later had the real story gleefully recounted to me by a mutual acquaintance.
He was apprehended having broken into a former friends house. He believed that this person had stolen his treasured, childhood toy, a cuddly toy monkey.
After a few days of quiet seething over this, he got stoned with a friend and persuaded them to help him break into the kidnappers flat. The kidnapper woke with a knife to his throat to be told by a shadowy figure:

'Where's my monkey. I want my fucking monkey'.

I don't know how the end of this played out. Apparently when this was read out in court, several members of the jury were trying not to laugh and the judge appeared to be struggling too.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Wed 12 Nov 2014, 19:56, Reply)