Oooh, one for me!
Siddown and strap in guys & gals, I'm ill and bad-tempered today so - rant mode - ON!

People who tell me what I "ought to be doing" at my age can fuck RIGHT off!

Armchair ninjas talking about "death touch" and "instant knockout pressure points". Never found ONE in my 34 years of martial arts study.

Armchair rambos who've never even HELD a real firearm, let alone shot one, claiming "instant knockdown" of this or that particular weapon from their experience on fucking computer games FFS!

Banks

Ignorant fuckheads who have no idea of their surroundings and walk into me.

Groups of schoolkids who try to get ME to move out of their way - NOT happening in YOUR lifetime sonny!

People who claim "I'm allergic to x y or z" yet don't carry an epipen. You're not "allergic" you're just a twat.

People who say "I can't take tablets". Why the fuck not? I've seen some of them eat stuff of a size that would choke a horse yet they "can't take tablets".

Drunks in casualty departments.

Adverts for get rich quick schemes offering "up to £1000/week in your spare time". Generally posted in the windows of near-MOT failure cars. If you'r earning THAT much, why do you drive a ten-year-old Nissan Bluebird?

Wilfully ignorant people, "never read a book/newspaper and proud of it".

Estate agents.

Insurance/investment salesmen telling me what to do with my money once I've earned it. Why not tell me how to earn more?

People who can't control their kids.

Pretentious restaurant menus. Anywhere that uses the terms "nestling", "coulis", "blushed" or "drizzled" will not get my custom.

Hot food served on cold plates.

London.

Teachers with no social skills, unable to interact with anyone who isn't their chronological junior or in their profession.

Jargon.

Acronyms used badly such as "ATM Machine". The "M" stands for "Machine" you fuckhead.

Rights before responsibilities.

The anti money-laundering laws. Its none of your fucking business where I got the money and besides, the REAL money laundering isn't done through banks you dickheads and certainly not by me.

People who say "There's no "I" in team". No, but there are TWO "U's" in "Lazy, aphorism-quoting motherfucker".

And relax!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 13:13, Reply)