Okay...
First of all two things...

You're a great storyteller - that's evident in the plot and the pace that you've got here.
We also know that you have a fantastic skill for description of specific details (I'm particularly thinking of the Spoilt Brat story - Fall and all that).

But...you don't always use the two - the first sections of the story (before she meets the young boy) would really benefit from greater exposition - more specific detail, show us her world.

Avoid using any generalisations and abstract words - 'she found it quite amusing', 'she stopped in surprise' that sort of thing - it's telling us what's happening and not showing us. Tell us how she maybe stops and takes in each detail of the shop front or perhaps her breathing becomes a little shallow because she's excited and surprised.

So show don't tell.

As a general tip cut out every single adverb (all the -ly words) - happily, sadly, that sort of thing - it's too non-specific.

Give us small details - as a writer that's the thing that you notice - the small detail - like how the sun glints off the small golden hairs on her arm...that sort of stuff which you do so well!

A bit more stuff in her head would probably give her a bit more roundedness - at the moment she's a fairly flat character although she does gain depth as the story goes on.

Decide what your story is about - not the plot, but the themes that it's dealing with. Then go back and decide if all the bits of plot are necessary.

Cut out everything that is unnecessary - if it doesn't tell us about the characters or the plot then it shouldn't be there. That doesn't mean you can cut out beautiful descriptions - providing they're telling us something more and not just being decoration.

The same is true of dialogue - it should always be doing at least two or three things - informing us of the character speaking (giving away his or her real thoughts and feelings), furthering the plot, telling us about other characters (which in turn will also tell us about the person speaking again).

I'd also think about making her magical skills a little more sophisticated - but that's an entirely personal take on the story - if I was writing it I'd want to be more subtle.

You've got a fair amount of stuff here that you've written and it could easily form the basis of a long short story which is anything up to about 20,000 words. You might even feel that this has 'legs' enough to go the distance with a novel - depends really how you feel about it as you'd have to live with it for a while.

Anyway, I hope that's been of some help...give it a rewrite and see how you feel about it.

And of course feel free to gaz me if you want some suggestions about what to do with it next.....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 18:51, Reply)