Grandads and landlords... featuring old biddies (bonus track)
Ah! My first post! Creepin out of the shadows... anyway, my grandad, God rest his soul (though I say that, I am agnostic, but anyway), used to dismiss everything, in a thick cockney accent, as "thassa loada rubbish!". My current landlord is in his fifties and to boot, he's Iranian, so his English isn't 100%. Being old, he talks in a very long winded style, but here's the gist of a couple of jokes he told me recently...

"A girl goes to the market and buys red knickers. She wears them and shows them to her boyfriend but he doesn't like them, he says she should wear green. So the girl says 'There's green outside, do you want it inside as well?'"

"A man is at his office when his wife rings and says there's a fire at his home. So he goes home and he can't see a fire. He looks in the living room, no fire, looks in the kitchen, no fire, looks in the bathroom, no fire. So he goes into the bedroom, sees his wife there, naked, spread-eagled on the bed, and he says 'Where's the fire?' and she points to her pussy and says 'Here...'.

Then the landlord added his masterstroke, "'..... need water!'"

Also, when I was shown my new house by the landlord, he told me that he wanted the deposit up front, as you'd expect. But he didn't say it like that. He said (and this is the short version) "It's like, when you go to a shop and ask for milk, you want the milk, but the shopkeeper asks for the money first!". And then, bizarrely, he also said "When you go to a club, and you meet a girl, you MUST have the condom, because *you do NOT want the disease*!".

I'm still trying to understand the connection between deposits for houses and HIV. Earlier on today I asked about renting the whole house from him and he talked about twelve year olds and petrol stations that have gone bankrupt... your guess is as good as mine.

Oh! I just remembered. I work part time at a petrol station, and last week a doddery old dear came in to pay for £19 worth of petrol and a bag of Mint Imperials, at a cost of £1.60. She paid for them on her card, at a total cost of £20.60. A few minutes later, Mint Imperials in hand, she came back in to say that the display on the pump read £19, but her card receipt said £20.60. Why the extra £1.60? I swiftly went and pointed out the fact that she'd also paid for the Mint Imperials that were *in her hand* and she finally clicked. Which provided me and the people in the queue with a good chuckle. Ah, the onset of senility. Bless.
(GroovyGranule, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 21:33, Reply)