Here's some advice for you: enjoy your summer with new and fun activities.
I just wanted to share with you a great new summer activity for the entire family: Squirrel Teleportation!

And how does one accomplish this, you ask? Why, nothing could be simpler! All you need are the following:

-a birdfeeder that squirrels know about
-a yard full of squirrels
-a Havahart trap
-some peanut butter
-a car

Options include:
-kids
-a small hyperactive dog who loves to chase squirrels

Set up the trap near the feeder. Bait the trap with peanut butter- it’s fragrant and sticky, so it will attract the squirrels but not be easy for them to steal. Sit back and wait for a bit.

After a while the squirrels will notice this new thing in the yard and will at first be leery of it, but after a time they’ll get used to it- and smell something appealing inside. When they go to investigate a sudden clang behind them will announce the beginning of their trip!

If you have kids or a small hyperactive dog (a Jack Russell terrorist is ideal), they will let you know when the squirrel has been caught. At this point you may be well advised to keep said children and/or idiot dogs at bay while you go to check. But once you have ascertained that you do indeed have a squirrel, you can let the kids and/or the idiot dog go check it out- but only for a moment, as the squirrel will not see the humor in this situation.

After you’ve peeled the idiot dog’s nose from the cage and banished it indoors, you can take the cage to the waiting car. During this walk you may taunt the squirrel to let him know just where things really stand. The word “pwn3d” may be used if the mood strikes.

Put the trap in the back seat of the car with the opening facing the door. The squirrel may try to take revenge by leaving a few fragrant reminders behind, so newspaper on the seats is recommended. Drive the squirrel a mile or two away, pull off to the side, open the door, bring the edge of the cage to open space, inform the squirrel that he has tasted the last of your goddam strawberries, then open the end of the cage. Watch for the vapor trail as the suitably chastised and pissed-off squirrel heads for the nearest cover.

Repeat as needed. Because as far as the other squirrels are concerned, that other one just vanished! Poof, and he was gone! But hey, what’s this metal thing? And what smells so good inside it?...

It makes for a wonderful game. We have:

-the Baiting of The Squirrel
-the Capture of The Squirrel
-the Taunting of The Squirrel
-the Transporting of The Squirrel
-the Launching of The Squirrel
And finally, start of the game all over again.

Bonus points if the idiot dog smells the squirrels inside the trap after you've released them, goes inside to sniff around and gets caught in the trap. At this point you can indulge in the Taunting of The Idiot Dog, and the term "pwn3d" should definitely be applied.

I can already tell you how my summer will be spent!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 17:08, 10 replies)

This does sound like a very exciting game.
I especially enjoyed the bit about "tasted the last of your goddam strawberries".

My dad spent 2 years going after a squirrel with a bb gun. He now has little holes all over the fence and trees, but never did hit the squirrel. I kept telling him to give the squirrel a name and call it a pet, then the squirrel would fuck off somewhere else. He eventually did this and we haven't seen the squirrel since.

I like your way much better though. "Tis funnier.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 17:40, closed)

I love it!
My mum and step dad have being waging a campaign for over ten years to keep the squirrels out of the bird feeders.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 18:13, closed)

I only had to read the first two lines....
I knew it was your post.
( girlinthehole, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 18:58, closed)

This is actually illegal...
"Grey squirrels are listed on schedule 9 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981. This makes it an offence to release, or allow escape, into the wild any grey squirrel. It is also an offence, by an Order under the Destructive Imported Animals Act 1932, to keep or import grey squirrels except under licence."

Therefore if you catch it, you have to kill it....
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 21:18, closed)

@TOG
unless the Loon is driving across the Atlantic, he should be quite safe!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 21:56, closed)

So I hear
Squirrels will probably find their way back if you drive a relatively short distance of one or two miles.

I've heard that you have to take it across two bodies of water if you want to be sure it doesn't come back, but I really have nothing to back that up.
(Sco smokes crack often., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 22:42, closed)

Good yarn
You should send it to Pixar.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:10, closed)

If I had a suitable set of small cages
I'd collect a few of them over the course of a day and drive them all across the river to bug the yuppies over there- but sadly I have to deal with them one at a time.

I am, fortunately, smart enough to know better than to give in to my original temptation by dumping them on my ex-wife's lawn. The little fuckers would surely find their way back from there...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 13:22, closed)

What about...
Catch squirrel
MARK squirrel
Release squirrel?


This way, once they've been released, the squirrel will have a nice paint mark on him/her. Then you can keep track of how many times the same squirrel gets caught in your trap...it at all.

I am so tired of people going on and on about how smart squirrels are. If they were so smart, why do I ocasionally see one FRIED on an electric pole?

Cheers!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 20:02, closed)

Actually
that has been suggested. I may need to get some of that horrid bright pink hair spray that the goth kids use to freak out their parents and give them fluorescent tails.

If nothing else it would reinforce the pwn3d-ness and make other squirrels laugh at them.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 22:29, closed)