Floats like a bee, stings like a right wanker
Enjoying my birthday by queueing for the toilet at a music festival in the US of America, I was stang off of a bee, right on the tip of my index finger. No humble bumblebee was he, this was a big ol’ American Apoidea Bastardus, like the one who takes over as mayor in ‘Family Guy’. It hurt a lot, like someone pressing a lit cigarette to my fingertip. ‘Look at this!’ I exclaimed to my friend, and we both marvelled at the pulsating venom sac, clearly visible as it pumped poison into my swelling digit like a set of demonically possessed Polly Pocket bagpipes. Oh, did I mention that, being so cool, I was under the influence of hallucinogenic substance LSD at the time? Yeah, cheers counterculture, that was a big help. Hearing us slowly coming to terms with this momentous event, the guy in front of us in the queue turned around and pulled out a big fucking knife. ‘Looks like we’d better operate,’ he said, waving the big fucking knife under my petrified nose. ‘Maybe,’ he grinned, ‘WE BETTER AMPUTATE!’ It didn’t help he was wearing mirror shades, so all I could see were reflections of my own terrified face and the glare of his ludicrous knifeblade. Honestly, it was like something Rambo would do the topiary with. Then, while I was paralysed by fear, the guy took hold of my hand and sliced the sting right out of my finger with his big fucking Rambo’s landscaping knife. I have to say he did a great job – the pain stopped almost immediately and there was very little bleeding. My mystery field surgeon went for a piss straight after that, so I didn’t get the chance to thank him properly, but the experience scared me straight, and I took a vow that day to never again get stung by a bee, a promise I have kept – even through the hard times – to this very day (although I have been stung by wasps two or three times, but everyone gets stung by wasps so that’s ok).
(electricteeth, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 21:01, 1 reply)

haha, christ!
I can imagine that must been 10 times as freaky on lsd! Lucky for the hatchet guy
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 21:07, closed)