Swingfail
Back in Juniors (around 11/12) i had a Girlfriend. This meant that every day after lunch, a small female would proudly bring me a 10p mixup and retire to her giggling friends. This was all done with only a muttered "er thanks" during the whole loving transaction. If only life was still this simple.....

Anyways I digress, our "relationship" eventually developed to almost actual conversation and one day she invited me to hers for tea. Terror enveloped my world, dreading that i might actually be alone with this curious species known to weaken bigger and stronger men. Rumour was rife that this was obviously a ploy to get me into a kissable position (not widely explored at this point) of which we wee men were vaugely aware involved tongues.

After a uneventful but enjoyable fish fingers and chips we were sent out to play in the park round the corner. The fresh air was intoxicating after the nicotine haze and polite questioning the kitchen had brought. We played on the roundabout, the chickens on springs things and came to the Big Swings. These 20ft behemoths were great and we even started to chat freely, nerves shredded away and i started to realise that my penny chew bringing strumpet was in fact a gem, hanging on my every word and giggling at my badly remembered/understood rude jokes.

She suggested another play apparatus (i forget which) and instead of stopping the swing I slid off the at the apex of its trajectory, landing neatly on my toes. She was amazed at my act of derring-do and blatent disregard to my own safety and dared me to do it from higher, which i did with aplomb.

Not content with this exit method and keen to further exite the small crowd that was now watching I got back up to full height, standing on the swing and thrusting the seat with every muscle i had in my puny legs. Instead of sliding off my arse as usual though, mid swing i had the brainwave of jumping off whilst standing! My Coup de grâce to the crowd now baying for bigger thrills and death defying aerial prowess.
As i pushed for takeoff the seat offered no resistance, my launchpad had become thin air and i fell......

I picked myself up, not realising a silence had descended upon the playpark. Vaguely aware of my bruised ego and a vacuum where there had been the shrills of children enjoying themselves I looked to brush myself down and noticed my once-white Bart Simpson "dont have a cow man" t-shirt was now washed with crimson. My face ached and the object of my affections was deathly pale, looking at me with an :-O face.

Blood was now flowing freely from my nose and mouth and I was led, back to where an hour before the only deep red had been of fish fingers dipped in tomato sauce. I was cleaned up and taken home to my poor mother who screamed at the sight of me. Looking back I shudder to think how she would have reacted if she'd seen me at my worst, losing blood from my whole face at a rate of knots.

The pain eventually came once the shock wore off and I spent an agonising night in hospital before they doped me up good, waited until the swelling subsided and rebroke my nose in order to set it straight.

My injuries: A completely smashed nose, my teeth penetrated my top lip leaving a gaping wound, both wrists were sprained and an ankle too.

My nose has never looked straight since but i was told recently it was "interesting in a good way".... its a constant reminder that women are sent by the devil, to lure you with sweeties then crush you on the rocks.

A bit lengthy, but its my biggest ouch
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 9:18, Reply)