I've been reading this whole sorry parade of appalling fuckups, violations and huge, huge quantities of blood
and thinking 'gosh. other people lead much more interesting/horrific lives than me. i don't have anything on this scale i can possibly contribute'.

I have no idea why I've been thinking like that. It's only just occurred to me, but I have a COLOSSAL FUCKLOAD of injuries, and the scars to show for it too. The only trouble with picking my 'ouchiest moment' is one of excessive, not limited choice. Two of the highest-ranking candidates are, unfortunately, excluded from this tale because I know exactly what kind of accusations they'll bring down on my head, so you don't get to hear about them. Also, while I've been injured a large number of times, I've never had anything really serious like root canal work or rectal abscesses or stepping on a stonefish; all my injuries are firmly urban, sober and basically dull. Quantity wins out over quality. So:

Getting my cock pierced: you'd think so wouldn't you? Actually it didn't hurt in the slightest because the guy anaesthatised it. I did, amusingly, bleed from the crotch for a week because I insisted on using it, even though I wasn't allowed to put it inside the then Ms Falstaff. She just had to put up with being sprayed with large amounts of bloody spunk. And I heard more 'so you're on your period' jokes than I care to remember. To the point where they were painful to hear. That doesn't count you say? Fine. On to...

Getting my ears pierced: Much better. I got a vertical industrial that didn't heal for a year, and was constantly red, swollen, oozing and bloody in turns. I couldn't sleep on it, it was always throbbing, and people thought it was funny to poke it, like when you get jags at school. It wasn't funny. It was SORE. Also, stretching earlobes is painful as hell if you do it too fast. What's that? No sympathy? Brought it on myself? You might be right. Let's talk about...

The huge number of scars I have on my skull: The tradition of gaining scars on my skull started at the grand old age of three, when, bouncing on a mattress, I slipped and plummeted headfirst into a Fisher Price house, banging my forehead open on the chimney, gaining a scar I still have, and, because it was Xmas, prompting endless jokes about trying to be Santa Claus*.
I've had a half brick bounced off my head, neatly opened an area exactly where my bald spot should be with a stepladder (which now due to the scar, looks like a bald spot; people laugh at this of course), and gone down on my face more times than I can count while drunk and twice while having a spack-attack. Not to mention one time I had to have staples in my crown, and someone at work decided the best way to show she fancied me was to hit me in them. Someone mentioned earlier that you don't really 'remember' pain properly, and I agree, but nonetheless every single one of these episodes fucking hurt, as anyone who's ever banged their head should know. I swear if I ever shave it, it'll look like The Canals Of Mars. I also have lots of sections of grey hair poking through.

Somebody burned my hand with a lit cig at a party once: Actually, that's the entire story. Sore, but yawn.

Being tattooed on my chest: hurt, like a BASTARD FROM HELL, for solid hours at a time. Not only was there a vibrating needle or five running right over the bone with nearly nothing in the way of skin or muscle to protect it - although certainly plenty of nerves - there was the ever present feeling that at any moment the needle could slip and jam straight into my throat, which made it so much easier to relax and let the pain pass me by. Would not recommend.

But the most painful thing I've ever experienced doesn't involve being walloped, poked or scarred: ladles and jellyspoons, I proudly offer you...the humble urinary tract infection. Ever since I was the proud owner of my very own UTI, I've had a lot more sympathy when ladies bitch at me about them. It honestly feels like you're pushing lumps of shrapnel and chili through your dick when you piss, and you need to piss a lot. I would also argue that guys have it a lot worse on this front than women (a daring statement to make at the best of times; hell hath no fury etc) but do bear in mind that we have about twenty times as much urethra as you do, girls. So narr. Good thing we rarely if ever get them. I'm going to leave it to your imaginations as to how I got; I'm certainly not going to admit to pushing plastic rods down my cock because I heard it makes wanking better...er, shit, delete, delete!!





*People laughing at my pain seems to be a recurring theme. Callous bastards. The very thought.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 15:55, Reply)