Shit do I have a lot of these...
I'll start out with one of my more idiotic ones.

Long ago I went to school for forestry. That's right, I have an official degree as a lumberjack. As I grew up cutting trees up for firewood for heating and have dropped a lot of trees over the years, this becomes even more pathetic.

I was working in the yard at my house, cleaning things up and cutting back the overgrown stuff when I decided to cut down a weedy little tree that was right in the middle of my yard. No prob- I got out the chainsaw and the gas can and the bar oil and got to work. A small time later the tree was on the ground without incident.

I walked along the tree trimming off the branches with the tip of the chainsaw, thinking about where I was going to pile all this crap so I could burn it, and was consequently not paying sufficient attention. I cut through a branch that was folded over under the tree when it let loose, kicking the fast-moving chainsaw across the top of my knee.

I stood there for a moment in shock, the chainsaw still running, not daring to look down. Well, I'm still standing, I thought. It couldn't have taken out the ligaments, so it can't have gone in too deep. I can feel blood running. I'm standing, so it can't be that bad. The blood is running down my calf. Oh shit oh shit oh shit, I can't look down at this. I'm at home alone. I have to take care of this. I can feel the blood running still. Nope, can't look down.

I shut off the saw, put it away, put away the gas and the oil, still feeling the blood flowing. I climbed up the stairs into the house and went to the kitchen, dropped my jeans and took a look. FUCK. I cleaned it up with a wet paper towel, then held a dry one on it. FUCK. I'm home alone and more than half an hour from a hospital and I drive a stick shift. FUCK.

Only one thing to do. I got out a roll of packing tape and wrapped my knee as tightly as I could and drove to my kids' pediatrician who was about ten minutes away.

I entered the office and asked the battleaxe behind the counter for the doctor.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but-"

"Then you can't see him. He's booked until Tuesday next week." She glared at me from behind her glasses, her cat's arse mouth pursed in disapproval.

I leaned closer and stared her in the eye. "I just had a chainsaw accident."

She flinched. "You're bleeding on the floor, aren't you? Okay, come back and sit on the examining table..."

The pediatrician knew me and teased me a little about it as he stitched my knee, but did an excellent job. I drove myself home and told Nurse Ratched about it, who promptly went through the roof for not driving the extra half hour to the hospital where she worked.

When it came time for the stitches to be removed Nurse Ratched brought home a little kit for removing sutures, had me sit down in a rocking chair and went to work. As she has the gentle delicate touch of a blacksmith, I very nearly barfed on her head.

Length? Twenty four inches. I used to take down very big trees.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 30 Jul 2010, 16:29, 2 replies)

This made me laugh. A lot.
"As she has the gentle delicate touch of a blacksmith, I very nearly barfed on her head".
(A Load Of Aliens, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 22:16, closed)

Timely as I'm just about to start my saw up and trim some branches. i'll be more careful now.

edit: Lived though it. And the stump grinder.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 30 Jul 2010, 23:04, closed)