i really do live here, honest!
many moons ago, during a very drunken party, i pulled a bloke who seemed very nice. within an hour or so, however, i'd realised that he was a massive twat who talked utter bollocks and loved himself, despite the fact that his b.o was so strong, it should have been on the guest list independently of him.
i decided i'd have to ditch him, the sooner the better. i made my excuses to the host and, turning to my stinky swain, told him i was leaving. "i'll drive you home!" he said. he was very drunk at this point, further proving to me what a twat he was. "it's okay," says i, "i only live down the road, just by the park."
i didn't live down the road at all, i lived three miles away. "i'll walk you!" he says and, before i can stop him, he's grabbed his coat, my handbag and my arm and piloted me sideways out of the door.
staggering more than a little, he walked me down the street and towards the park. "which is your house?" he asks. "ummm....that one!" i said, pointing to a large building about fifty yards away. i'd chosen that particular house because the lights were on and i could tell him that my parents were waiting up for me. "nice house!" he says. "i'll walk you to the door."
"no! you can't!" i cried, panicking a bit. " my dad's still awake, he'll kill me if he sees me with a man!"
my amorous companion swelled visibly at this. "oh, will he now? i don't THINK so." "what do you mean?" i asked. "if he so much as lays a finger on you, i'll fucking deck him!"
shitshitshitshitshitshit! think, smash, think!
fortunately, i was then struck with the kind of inspiration that only shows up after a few drinks. "i wouldn't if i were you, he's a professional wrestler, he'll tie you in knots."
"i'll fucking teach him a...wait, did you say wrestler?" i could see panic creeping across his florid features. "well, maybe i'll just wait by the gate and make sure you get in all right."
hoping for a miracle, i rushed up the path and rang the bell. the door was answered by a rather surprised gentleman in a dressing-gown, who looked nothing like a wrestler.
"please, can you help me?" i begged. "i'm trying to get away from that man by the gate, he's been following me and won't leave me alone. i had to tell him that i lived here, so that he would go away, but he hasn't!" i was by this point almost in tears of panic, nervousness and mild stress, which this kindly chap took to be tears of blind fear. glancing at my drunken klingon, he yelled "would you kindly leave? you're causing trouble here." like a rabbit spotting a fox, he was off. the feeling of relief was immense and probably much greater than it should have been over such a small thing, but i was half-drunk.
my saviour called his wife from the lounge, who gave me a drink and called me a cab. i may not have really been in trouble, but it's always nice to know that there are still people out there willing to help a complete stranger.
as for the smelly bloke, i never saw him again!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:24, 9 replies)

Hahaha
Brilliant
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:26, closed)

the worst part was
that it took 3 weeks to convince my mate that i hadn't shagged him :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 19:04, closed)

Hooray!
Well done that dressing gown clad gent!
( SteamedCleaner, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 19:51, closed)

to this day, i don't know who he was
i went back a few weeks later to thank them, only to discover that they'd been renting whilst the purchase of their new house went through and they were no longer there
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 19:56, closed)

you have a click
simply for the unprecedented use of the word 'swain' and of course the alliteration. top quality wordsmithing there and not a half bad story too.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Tue 17 Aug 2010, 0:35, closed)

thank you :)

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 17:58, closed)

Oh yes!
Hooray for little old men in dressing gowns!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:18, closed)

they're great, aren't they?
except for the ones pissing confusedly on the floor of hospital a & e departments
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 17:59, closed)

^ This

(McChinaman banned, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 1:31, closed)