Physical Education GCSE Paper 1 - Multiple Choice
Question 1
It’s Monday morning and first period is Rugby. During morning tutor period the class arsehole scrawls out a fake sick-note from his mum on A4 lined paper. You sneer at his piss poor effort but the spawny bastard only goes and gets away with it. Do you:
a) Grass the little shit up.
b) Jog out onto the rugby pitch without a care because you’re a well-rounded likeable chap who loves team sports.
c) Wait 20 years and then piss and moan about it on the Internet.

Question 2
It’s the rugby house matches and once again you have been picked for the scrum front row. Is this because:
a) Everyone hates you
b) You are a fit young man with above average strength and physique.
c) It’s the rugby equivalent of sticking the useless kid in goal.

Question 3
The rugby lesson has finished and as per usual the shaven monkey who ‘taught’ the ‘lesson’ has allowed for a total of 3 minutes at the end to have a shower, get changed and make it to your next lesson. The fat bitch that teaches you German is going to have a pop at you if you are late again. Do you:
a) Stick your head under a tap to give the illusion of showering but then get grassed up by everyone and have the humiliation of being forced back into the shower.
b) Shower and get changed and STILL make it to your next lesson on time because your time management skills are second to none.
c) Run back to the changing rooms in a vain attempt to beat the horde, have the briefest of showers before the nonce of a PE teacher notices you barely touched the water and forces you back in to do a better job. You turn up for the next lesson hot and flustered and 10 minutes late. The fat bitch berates you again, just like she did last week, just like she will next week.

Question 4
You are feeling ill in the morning before you go to school. You ask your mum for a note excusing you from PE that day. What happens?
a) Mummy writes you a note; just like the one she writes for you every sodding week. Or she doesn’t and you scrawl one out on A4 paper.
b) You get a note but you take your games kit anyway just in case you feel better, which you do and joyfully participate in PE that day.
c) HA HA! You could be bleeding from your eyes and she would still send you off to school with your PE kit. What doesn’t kill you only makes you resentful.

Question 5
You have been chosen as a team captain for the duration of the PE lesson. What is the correct procedure for picking teammates?
a) I have a sick-note, I’ll keep score.
b) Best players first, then friends, then the “less able”.
c) Trick question, you were never chosen to be team captain.

Question 6
A fat kid is having his bare back slapped by a jeering mob in the changing room, do you:
a) Get some good slaps in before the games teacher half-heartedly breaks it up.
b) Break it up yourself and then choose the fat kid for your team, thus boosting his self-confidence.
c) Thank god it’s not you.

Question 7
A young attractive female PE teacher has joined the staff. Do you:
a) Use a compass to carve “Miss Williams is a dirty slag” into every possible desk.
b) Respect her as you would any member of teaching staff.
c) Nod in agreement at the sexually graphic opinions of your peers and what they would like to do with the new PE teacher, even though you’re not quite sure what any of it means.

Question 8
You have been given a choice of PE activities for the next term, what do you choose?
a) It doesn’t matter because your mum has written a sick-note….on A4 lined paper.
b) Rugby without a doubt. It’s character building and good exercise.
c) The Trampoline, because it’s inside, easy and you get to see the girls wobbly bits wobble.

Question 9
It’s Sports day! Where are you?:
a) Sniffing glue behind the bike sheds
b) Leading your house to victory
c) Hiding in the computer room

Question 10
10 years have passed since leaving school and your boss asks if you are interested in joining the firms 5 a side football team. What is your response?
a) Trick question, you’re dole scum or in prison.
b) Of course, sign me up!
c) You mumble something non-committal and hope you never get asked again.

How did you do?
Mostly (a's) – Oh dear, you’re an absolute disgrace to the glorious subject of PE, you have weaselled your way out of every bit of exercise. Take your GCSE A* and get out.

Mostly (b's) – You are a true sporting champion and a leader of men. You have earned your GCSE A* and you are well on your way to studying Sports Science at the PolyUniversity of Basingstoke.

Mostly (c's) - You are me…GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 18:44, 6 replies)

This is b3ta
You might as well have not bothered with all the (b) options. I stopped bothering to read choice (b) after the fourth one!

P.S. I am you. Or are you me? Or both? Or neither? Our head hurts.

Hang on, what?
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 23 Nov 2009, 20:55, closed)

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
Goo goo g'joob.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 10:20, closed)

This has got to make front-page
Given that B3tans seem to be of a largely similar disposition.... :)
(McChinaman banned, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 1:45, closed)

Once again...
the Colonel helps hone the definition of the 'b3ta male'.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 11:19, closed)

Anyone who claims to have mostly b)'s
is a liar and a charlatan

*clicks*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 12:12, closed)

Well it's obviously mostly c isn't it...
nobody who got mostly b's would be able to sustain attention through that much reading...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 24 Nov 2009, 20:36, closed)