Things that annoy me
The Archbishop of Canterbury. According to a BBC news article from 2000, the then salary for the Archbigot of Canterbury was £55,660 per annum. FOR HAVING AN IMAGINARY FRIEND that is socially acceptable due to the venerability of the delusion. When I heard voices they put me on medication. £55,000 for being unemployed and having an imaginary friend. Wonderful.

Penguins. I hate them. We're talking approaching apoplexy here. The mere idea of them makes my blood pressure rise to the point where I look like Colonel Blimp approaching the vinegar strokes. What is the point of them? In the grand scheme of things, looking at the overarching vista of evolutionary history, these are essentially the retards of the bird world. A type of bird that decided to remain in a frozen wasteland, lose the ability to fly, develop plumage that made them look like a cross between Ronnie Corbett in a dinner jacket and an SS Officer, and also to have a vocalisation that sounds like three cats suffering from the attention of a bestiality loving proctologist. When I watched March of the Penguins (with a young lady as part of a sadly futile attempt to gain carnal knowledge of her) I had to repress the urge to cheer everytime one of the waddling little bastards died. Pingu can go roger himself too.

Rowers. Where I go to university there are, unfortunately, rather a lot of rowers. Yes I understand that you wish to achieve the 1936 Ayran man idea. Yes I understand that you successfully propelled, along with 3 other simian friends, a long thin fibre glass tube through the water for a mile faster than some other similiarly lycra clad proto-gorillas. Guess what? There are things called outboard motors that successfully do this as well. Also, thank you for turning any conversation that you manage to participate in in to a conversation about rowing. Yes, your 'erg' time is fascinating. Indeed, I had never realised that listening to a self-important and boring person could be so utterly fascinating. Your hobby, and indeed your entire life, is the single most interesting and important event in the history of human existence, and I fully advise you to impose yourself on anyone who is within, say, a 50 yard radius. Wankers.

Belgium and Belgians. Seriously, what is the point of Belgium? It is essentially a flat expanse of mud and paedophiles. Why is it that every international paedophile ring that has links to Europe is either based in Belgium, or is primarily composed of Belgians. What is wrong with them?

Scotch eggs sold in the local Londis. I trundle down there, looking to supplement my already frankly appalling enough diet with an infusion of chopped pork rectum, breadcrumbs, and boiled egg. You buy one, then eat it. And what? There is always this deflated feeling afterwards, like you've cheated on a long term partner with someone patently inappropriate (like Dot Cotton). It makes me angry that I still manage to go down to the shop full of the naive hope that the scotch eggs will be like the one scotch egg I once had c.1992 that was actually a decent boiled egg encased in sausage meat with breadcrumbs. Instead there is always this faintly weird smelling space, and the hint of a shadow of misery.

People who tut or sigh excessively in queues. For gods sake, we're all waiting in a queue and making a noise like a defective kettle will not make the bloody thing go any faster. Like the time I was stood with the aforementioned young lady in the aforementioned local Londis waiting to buy some wine and some icecream so that we could watch a film. The man in front of us (who was buying 3 litres of Frosty Jacks (or some other similiar fine cider) was shifting around and tutting and generally behaving like a cock because he had to wait 5 minutes to get served. In addition he had a swastika tattooed on his neck, which somewhat perturbed the young lady, as she is of Indian extraction.

People who tell me its bad that I smoke. Yes I know it is. Its also bad that I hear voices. I know smoking is bad, so why do they insist on talking to me like I am a three year old?

The medication I have to take. I really get annoyed by this one. Not only does it give everything I eat or drink a faintly metallic taste, but it causes me to fidget, sleep badly, get tired in the afternoon, have vivid dreams about a wide variety of women, and to compound this issue to cause occasional impotence, and then, when I can get it up, to not allow me to complete a solo on the pink oboe. Frustrating to say the least, but what makes the whole thing even more angry is that fact that I am unable to stop taking them, as it is significantly better to be on them than off them.

Vernon Kaye. For gods sake, this guy makes me angry. Plank-faced, idiotic... I'm actually shaking with anger, spumes of froth flecking my computer screen as I sit here typing... I feel my sphincter pucker every time I hear this oxygen stealing waste of DNA.

Eastenders. Average Eastenders plot line:
Phil Mitchell wheezes.
Someone is happy.
Because someone is happy something disproportionately bad has to happen, such as Walford being hit by a nuclear strike.
Then 20 minutes of screaming that would make a Rhesus monkey shudder.
End Credits.

Length etc. I'm not even sure I've finished on all the things that make me angry.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 2 May 2008, 19:36, 5 replies)

Belgium is important
for three reasons:

1 - it is a useful indicator of the amount of rainforest which is being destroyed each year, which always seems to be described in multiples or submultiples of the size of Belgium;

2 - the Belgians make the best chocolate in the world, in my opinion;

3 - they have in Spa-Francorchamps the world's best motor racing circuit.

Other than that, it's shit.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 2 May 2008, 19:44, closed)

To be fair
the Belgians do make about the best beers and chocolate in the world...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 2 May 2008, 19:46, closed)

K2K6
1. Other countries could be used for comparison, Wales for instance.

2. And theres no link between the chocolate thing and the paedophilia thing? Of course they make the best chocolate - its to lure children.

3. I'll have to defer to you on this one.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 2 May 2008, 19:46, closed)

I thought penguins were part of the food chain.
As in, they are food for some other animal.

I recently learned that Emperor penguins are as tall as my 7 year old. That is one big fucking bird.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 3 May 2008, 2:07, closed)

@K2K6
3. No it isn't, Monaco is by far the most exciting and entertaining.
*Trying to start "yes it is" "no it isn't" war*
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sat 3 May 2008, 8:12, closed)