People who quote statistics, without actually having performed any kind of census
Like, "Well, I would say over 50% of people on benefits are just playing the system" or "Probably 60% of people in Council flats are drug addicts"

Based on what exactly? There's a guy in my work who does this all the fucking time

Besides, everyone knows 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:09, 5 replies)

Be strong, be strong.
1. I hate hate hate absolutely HATE it when the class I'm in shares a wall with another class - the wall with the blackboard. I'm trying to concentrate on the lecture, but I just keep fixating on the damn little muffled noises of chalk hitting blackboard next door. Click. Click. Click click. Click click click click. Click Click. Click. Click click. Cliiick click click click click.

FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, COULDN'T YOU HAVE PUT THE BLACKBOARD ON A DIFFERENT WALL SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO OVERHEAR THAT SHIT?


2. Jennifer Aniston. Everything about her is really fucking grating. Her looks. Her voice. How everyone thinks she's got great hair when it's so mundane that I want to throttle someone. I hope she dies old, forgotten, ugly, and alone.


3. You know how there are two light switches in some rooms? So you come in one door, flip the switch up for light. Go out the other door, flip the switch up to turn off the lights. Oh, nooo. They can't be up. They're supposed to be down when the lights are off. God damn, that's just wrong.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:08, 5 replies)

Bigotry of any kind
Oh, and Arabs
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:05, 4 replies)

Tabloid newspaper "campaigns"
Whether it's the Daily Nazi telling us that we should all bow down in reverence for the elderly or the Sun insisting that we still need to be checking under our beds for Maddie, these ventures really grind my 'nads. Somehow, not being credited with the ability to draw my own conclusions from the stories and cack-handed statistics on offer makes me like my hospital wards filthy, my food over-packaged and my fuel bills sky high. Thats just the way it is.
(Puddle of Sugar was still wallpapering on, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:04, 2 replies)

Gets the pun out of the way quick.
My Pet Peeve is a dog.
(Zigmund can't think of anything good., Fri 2 May 2008, 0:03, Reply)

Death
I find it pissing annoying that I'll have to die, and what's even worse is it will be after only about 80 years! What the fuck is going to take place that's remotely exciting in the 60 or so years I might have left? Nothing.

Are we going ot terraform Mars in that time? No fucking way. Are we going to have world peace and an end to prejudice so I don't have to walk down a street without hearing some cock going on about "bloody Poles/Pakis/Chinks (delete as applicable)"? No. Are we going to have widespread adoption of teleportation ending the hegemony of oil? No. Am I going to get any good at pool in that time? No. Are we going to make contact with an alien race, let alone for long enough to deduce their inevetibly bizzare language enough that we can have meaningful conversations about esoteric topics such as if you go back in time 2000 years and bring back brand new vase, is it 2000 years old or just one day? No. Will there be anything decent on Channel 5 in that time? No. Are we going to end world hunger, disease and overpopulation? No. Are we going to convert the Moon into a nuclear powerplant? No. Are we going to harness the power of the Sun so we can cure global warming by turning it down to gas mark 5? No.

All those things might happen when I'm dead though. I feel like I've not so much missed the boat, as arrived at the seaport dying from a stab wound.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:56, 7 replies)

Chuggers
Oh yeah the one below about charity collectors on the street.....charity-muggers I beleive their known as. Now whilst i have no objection to charities per se, its just that i target my donations to a very specific sector of charities that have had a personal impact on my life.

I do not want to save animals, i do not care about starving donkeys,I don't really give a fuck about religious charites, so stop bothering me when I'm about my business and I won't call you all a bunch of scrounging, begging, pedestrian harrasing annoying fuvkwits with clipboards.

Cheers.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 1 May 2008, 23:56, 6 replies)

The appearance of care
What is the appearance of care ?

- Safety audits. 5% trying to stop accidents occurring, 95% trying to cover backsides in case something goes wrong and people get sued as a result
- Drugs legislation. Any country that allows the legal sale of (taxed) nicotine / alcohol and yet tries to ban any other drug being taken is not "trying to protect the public", they are drug dealers trying to protect their revenue stream.
- Speed cameras. 20% of the time trying to slow traffic in known accident blackspots, 80% of the time trying to generate extra income from an easy target, i.e. those of us dutiful enough to register the car in our own names.
- Stupid warning signs, be it the "might contain nuts" on a packet of nuts or a sign warning of a unseen drop the other side of a fence on private property - again, it's not about protection against anything other than a compensation claim.
- 2 minute silences. Sorry, these should be reserved for maybe one person a year who's died; a real hero / heroine, someone who meant something or achieved something. Is it care ? No, it's grief tourism.
- The rigmarole of getting through security when you fly, having a deodorant confiscated off you which you can then buy again from the shops *before* you get on the plane. If it was a genuine security check, it would be directly before you got on the plane.
- Any form of payment protection / post-sales insurance. Is it to protect you, no sucker, it's to take more money off you.
- Work appraisals. Do we care how you are doing ? No,we decided before you entered the room how much more, if any, we're paying you. This is just lip-service. See also - almost anything an HR department does.
- Mission statements. The only "enriching" we are after is not your experience with us, it's our bank balance with your ca$h. Have a nice day now - and remember, we try harder (to financially sodomise you).

I could go on, but you've got the drift by now I'm sure. The appearance of care - meaningless corporate shit, now all-pervasive and dished up by corporate whores with the moral rectitude of Ghengis Khan.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:56, 12 replies)

OK...
According to my friend I suffer from road rage badly.

Just because if someone cuts me up I use the hooter to pip them and inform them how badly they have driven (why else was the hooter invented?) because if someone nearly drives into me I pip them again with the horn.

Also I have a small rule that if the car has a bigger engine than mine it can overtake, whereas if the engine size is smaller than mine its not allowed past.

I also have a small thing about four by fours, if you don't live in the countryside and have to drive over fields for a living then why the FUCK do you need a four by four?

4x4's were not designed for you middle class suburbanite mothers to drive your pampered Tarquins and tamara's to school when you only live FIVE FUCKING MINUTES WALK away from the school, and then you thing you own the FUCKING ROAD because your big fucking car takes up half the fucking road, cause tons of fucking traffic jams and pollutes the atmosphere when I'm out running!! Make your kids walk to school, it'll do them good, do you good, and do the planet good for god sake!
And then it'll take me a normal civilised amount of time to get to work instead of having to set off at some stupid town becuase you in your poncy car are driving two minutes up the road to drop your kids off, or do your shopping. If you have to take the kids to school BUY A FIAT PANDA FOR FUCKS SAKE, its far better for the environment and its much cooller.

This is like that confession thing where those randy priests crack one out whilst you're telling them about who you've porked this week isn't it? almost cathartic isn't it?


Oh yes, buses. I hate buses, they are full of stinking weirdos, skanky chavs and they clog up the roads. Not to mention the bus driver who nearly took the front end of my car this morning because he was texting on his phone.


And why is it that skanky chavs who play music on mobile phones never play good music, oh no its always dirty loud nasty cheap council estate drum and bass.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 1 May 2008, 23:48, 4 replies)

Kids' TV
Three channels of inane dribbling shit from 6am to 7pm daily, with adverts on one of them (as if anyone taking a child to MacDonalds expects them to get a burger, carrot sticks and water)?

Whatever happened to playing with stuff instead of monging out in front of the goggle box from getting up to going to bed?

And that's just terrestrial. God alone knows what extra choices of shite are on Sky/cable.
( le brian, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:47, 4 replies)

Arrogant Drivers
I predict lots and lots of rants this week! heres mine..

God damn, why is it that people insist upon driving at super slow speeds and creating a massive queue behind em? i just dont get it, learners i can understand as hey we have all been there but lately ive noticed it seems to be anyone and everyone! have so many people been caught out by cameras that they are so super paranoid about it they have to drive at 20+ mph under the speed limit everywhere they go?

and psychic indicators, what does it take just to flick that switch to let people know that hey im gonna turn off now and that car that was waiting to pull out in front of me cant as now there isnt enough room

moms who drive there kids to school when its literally just down the road from them, literally a five min walk, because lets face it kids get abducted and killed all the time... oh wait no they dont! most kids are fat little bastards make em walk it off!

umm.. whatelse? general wankery on the roads like getting cutup and the suped up boy racers who drive right up your arse, sure there is other driving ones but cant think of em.
(casca Cracked one out on, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:40, 4 replies)

Cyclists
Oh, how I hate them so much.

Ok, so they are getting exercise, and they are saving money on petrol and car payments and that kind of thing, but that's about all the pros I can think of.

So now some cons.

- Cyclists at traffic lights. If it's red, then you stop. You want drivers to treat you well, and then complain when they don't, but you don't follow the same rules. I once saw a story about a man complaining that the police had "given him a ticket for turning right through a red light on his bike" because he didn't deserve it.

- Cycle straight. Are you drunk? No? Then cycle straight.

- Get off the pavement. It's where I'm walking. If you're going to cycle on it, then don't expect me to move, and don't have a go at me when I don't.

That'll do for now, need to cool my blood.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:40, 14 replies)

Peeves
When I was at Hogwarts I adopted a mysterious cheeky poltergeist who used to cause allsorts of trouble for my friend Harry Potter and his pals.
His name was Peeves and I guess you could say he was my pet.







sorry, I couldn't resist...
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 1 May 2008, 23:38, 2 replies)

Charity Wankers
Now i'm generally a fairly amiable chappie but what really gets my goat is when I'm wandering through town and I get pounced on by people trying to get money for all number of things...Cancer Research, NSPCC, Shelter, the list is endless. Now I have no problem with these charities (I'm not a complete c*nt), they do a bloody good job BUT when the bastards follow you down the highstreet making a scene I get the urge to turn around and deck 'em. Charities are fine but don't make me feel like the fucking spawn of satan if I don't give you my credit card details GRR!
(Freak on a Leash is jerking off to centre himself on, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:36, 5 replies)

When people ask you if you want something
and you say "no thanks" because you really don't particularly want it.

But they like whatever it is they're offering you, and insist.

"Go on, you know you want some"


"NO I DO NOT WANT SOME ICE CREAM/CAKE/COCA COLA!!! I AM SAYING NO BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT, NOT BECAUSE I AM BEING "GOOD" AND AM DENYING MYSELF THE NAUGHTY NAUGHTY THING YOU CAN EXCUSE YOURSELF THE GUILT FROM EATING BECAUSE IT'LL BE OK IF I HAVE SOME TOO!!!! LEAVE ME TO MY FREAKISH HABITS!??!"

*collapses*
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:34, 2 replies)

Now this really boils…
…my piss.

Cyclists.

Riding on the road.

3 yards to their’ left is a bloody Cycle track.

Why in the name of fuckery do they do it?

*rages*
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:34, 10 replies)

Debt assistance companies
I deal with these grade a bastards every day of the week, they take someone who has thousands upon thousands of pounds in debt, work out for them they they have roughly £50 of income that is disposable per month regardless of the facts, take a £35.00 cut of this and then distribute £1 per month to each creditor.

They fuck up the poor bastards credit record for years to come, usually profit in the long run by at least 120% of their total liabilities and don't help a damn person along the way but themselves.

I'd prefer to see someone go bankrupt than be fucked over for years by these cunts.
( Muns, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:31, 9 replies)

"Baby on board" stickers
Yes, very good, we all now know you're fertile. Jolly well done to you.

However:

* Do you remove the sticker when the baby's not on board?

* Did you really think I was going to crash into your car but had a change of heart when I saw that your darling sproglet was in there with you?

* Do you honestly believe that a car can be so badly mangled in an accident that the emergency services can't find a baby (in a massive car seat), and yet either the baby or the sticker will survive?

And people who have "Princess on board", "Babe on board" and other such variations ought to have their eyes poked out with rusty skewers
( le brian, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:30, 15 replies)

Yuppies.
Ovedrentitled, underendowed, SUV-driving, wine-swilling, silk-tied yuppies who overrun my favorite areas of the world.

Money is not an excuse to be a cunt.

(Can you tell I drove home from work and arrived just a few minutes back after fighting traffic?)

Oh, and- FIFTEENTH! (Or something like that.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 1 May 2008, 23:29, Reply)

Isn't it really fucking annoying when you're on the computer.
And someone is just standing behind you, no reason, they don't even have to be looking at the screen. It's just really annoying.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:29, 2 replies)

Godbotherers who also want to bother me
OK, so you've found the Lord. I get it. Go to church and bugger a choirboy, or whatever it is that Christians do. Just don't bother me when I'm trying to spend a quiet Saturday shopping.

It only happens occasionally in the UK, but here in Korea I swear it happens every weekend. I'm thinking about getting a t-shirt made that says (in Korean) "Fuck off you godbothering cunt, I don't want to go to your church".
(drunkenfud, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:29, Reply)

"Tescos"
And "Asdas".

Yes, I know it's "Sainsbury's" and "Morrison's" (though even they seem to have dropped the apostrophe). There's a reason for this. That doesn't mean you have to add an S to every supermarket brand.

It's bad enough when people talk about "Tesco's" (Tesco's what?), but most of the time you know there's no apostrophe in there, even when it's spoken.

Oh, and "Marks and Sparks"? Get to fuck.
( le brian, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:24, 4 replies)

Bad grammar
I can understand a few misspellings every now and then, but there's absolutely no reason to confuse your and you're.
(FleetlordVT, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:23, 13 replies)

Damnit
Bad typing skills including use of capitals, spelling, grammar, and so on. Not saying I'm a perfect typer, as I am most certainly not, but when a person doesn't even try they look like a lazy inconsiderate fuck and piss me off.

I think a good few others here will understand.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:18, 4 replies)

Fifth!!
Damn, sixth.

Pet peeves?

Recycled QOTWS. Enough said, and I think I speak for the masses there.

Though now I'm actually going to have to THINK of a real story for this week.
(HomeWithTheDownies A towering inferno of penisy pleasure, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:17, Reply)

Here's some actual stuff
There are several issues I would like to address but I don’t have strong enough views on them each to fill a post and make it interesting, so I’ll consolidate all my existing complaints into one outstanding rant.

Americans, please stop with this sickening and overt patriotism. Your country has done fairly well for itself economically but please stop acting like Vietnam never happened and you’re all walking around with bald eagles tattooed on your star-spangled twelve-inch cocks. It is my personal opinion that Britain is in fact the best country in the world, however I don’t feel the need to go bragging about it- I can sit silently smug in a land of good food, strong currency and well-observed tradition without having to compensate for my insecurities by storming into random third-world countries, shitting all over them then pulling out around the time they start wondering how the fuck they’re going to sort out that mess. ... ... Well, yes, point taken, but we only did it because you did!

Religious people, you’re all quite clearly a bunch of raving lunatics. If I had my way religion would be banned and the world would be a nicer place- the World Trade Centres would still be standing, psychotic fundamentalists wouldn’t shout at me from podiums on the street and Hitler would have a far better historical reputation. The fact that you continue to argue against sound scientific reasoning with half-assed arguments and illogical bullshit simply furthers the notion that you’re barking mad. If someone hears aliens in their teeth they get locked up, but if several million people talk to their imaginary friend the Jewish zombie who was his own father in order to remove an evil from their soul that’s there because the rib-woman ate a magic apple, that’s perfectly normal- encouraged, even. Clearly, there’s not only safety but sanity in numbers.

Old people, I appreciate that in your twilight years you deserve a degree of respect and priority but please don’t act like it’s your God-given right to claim seats on buses, barge ahead in queues and just generally act like total wankers. At the end of the day it’s my choice whether or not I would like to give up a seat for you on the bus and you have no authority whatsoever to get pissy with me if you can’t sit down for a pathetic little journey you probably could have walked in the time it took to wait for a bus.

People who do unnecessary things, I must insist you stop this immediately. Doing so slows down the efficiency of everything around you and therefore the world. The man who comes daily into my coffee shop and asks for “a cup of fresh orange juice” would save around six minutes a year if he simply asked for orange juice. I’m not going to serve it to him inside a hollowed out oxen scrotum six weeks out of date so he doesn’t need to specify freshness nor mode of containment. And people who wait at bus stops where there is only one bus that services that particular stop- don’t bother flagging the bus. Despite the fact that the driver probably came into this country curled up in the back of a lorry he has intelligence enough to work out why you are standing at a bus stop.

People too easily offended- piss off, cunts. Get off that high horse of yours and realise that a simple four letter word or a flash of thigh before seven p.m. will not cause your children to grow up into slavering sex-fiends who steal women’s underwear before masturbating in their bras and strangling them during coitus. They turn out like that because you probably bathed them until they were fifteen, you possessive old cow. I think the world would be a better place if there were no “bleeps” or censorship on TV. If the programme is called Katy’s Wild Nipple Tassel Orgy and the warning beforehand says that the show contains sexual scenes, strong language and scenes of drug use then don’t watch it. If you do, don’t be surprised when your delicate sensibilities are offended the minute a couple are shown in the same bed or the image of a family eating without saying grace is broadcast. Oh yes, this post contains frequent swearing and strong points of view that may clash with your mid-century, Church of England, English-not-British, “tea is served at seven, Charles” view. So fuck off if you don’t like it.

Anti-Iraq protestors, please give it up. Yes, the US went in on a bunch of lies and yes, they’ve totally ballsed it up over there, but let’s take the Magnus Magnusson approach, shall we? We’ve started so we’ll finish. Even if your stoned, liberal hippie brains can’t accept this then please don’t go down London waving your hand-made, green, organic signs like they’ll make a difference. The following conversation will never take place at 10 Downing Street:

“Prime Minister, there appear to be a few dozen unwashed students outside asking you to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan.”

“Och aye tha noo! We’d best be doin’ that then, crivens!”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals- you’re all a bunch of fucking nutcases. Veganism is impractical and nutritionally unsound, animals are not equal to humans and the natural, Darwinist order of the food chain demands we eat them. And they taste fucking good too, and yes, a lot of them also make excellent clothes.

St. Maddy lovers*- she is one little girl who went missing. It’s tragic, and it should have been a one-week story. But the tabloids have pounced on this like rapists on a nun and they’re sodomising and face-fucking the life out of it. Ashia Jabbi, aged 2; Ying Lee, aged 4; Benjamin Marsh, aged 3; Dorothy Powell, aged 9… Oh, sorry. They’re just a few of the children who have gone missing since May and not been widely reported. OK, for Ashia and Ying that would be normal in Western media but Benjamin and Dorothy are white!

*This was originally written for my blog in September 2007 at the height of the furore.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:17, 19 replies)

when we have to wait until 11.14pm
for qotw to change.

god almighty that makes me shit myself with rage.

ahem!

x
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 1 May 2008, 23:17, 4 replies)

Lego
what is it with the septics that they call Lego, Legos?
(Swarve, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:15, 8 replies)

First!!
Damn it!!! I come on here at this time of night, click as soon as it opens and still fail. Hmm. And now, QOTW answer thinking time...

....................

So, over the last year or so, more and more and more and more things have started to annoy me. It's actually starting to get fairly annoying how many things annoy me. So here is the first.

People leaving lights on and wandering off.

More accurately my flatmates doing it. All the time. We have big electricity bills, and then they complain about it while wandering about leaving lights on. PUT THEM OFF! It's really not that hard at all.

Titbiters.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:14, 1 reply)

People posting "first"
and nothing else.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:14, 4 replies)