I've just read them all....
There's so much to grumble about.

Stop the world: I want to get off. :o(
.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 7 May 2008, 13:29, 8 replies)

Gluttony
Hate it...

Fat people who keep eating, they’ll eat a meal, and then order nibbles...

there is no reason whatsoever to eat that much, it doesn’t benefit you in anyway.

Like those people who get too fat and cant leave their house and whinge about being fat, yet when questioned try to reason why they need ~7 meals per day.

'Because i feel sad' is not a reason.

conversation usually unfolds like so:

Me:'why are you having an extra large vindaloo'

Fat person:'I know its silly'

10 minutes later:

Fat man:'im soo fat, i hate being fat'
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 7 May 2008, 13:18, 3 replies)

Image Board Gobshites
I utterly detest anyone who uses the words ning, ningles, nong, ning-nong or any variant when what they mean is Good Morning. In the same vein, I abhor any person who wishes to “smoosh” or “glomp” another. The people who use these terms are retarded nits.

On a certain image board I frequent there are a group of rude and inconsiderate users who think it is acceptable to fill the board with inane chit-chat often involving pathetic sexual innuendo and sickly flirting with the self-obsessed females who preen themselves in front of these tiresome, slavering geeks. These driveling fools will fill a thread with their senseless gabbing but rarely post an image themselves and lack the good manners to compliment or constructively criticise the image that starts the thread. You will understand my rage when I tell you that there is a parallel board on the site which actively encourages chatting.

Should some hapless newcomer post an image that does not follow, to the letter, the FAQ this group of Internet “chavs” will heap abuse upon the fellow but, should a member of their own little clique transgress, the matter is ignored or gently laughed over.

You will understand that I am reluctant to name the site as I am a regular contributor even if I am forced to attend when most of the offending fools have disappeared back to their fetid and, presumably, Internet-free dwellings.
(God 101, Wed 7 May 2008, 13:06, 14 replies)

Another one...
People ranting on about fat women - but saying nothing about fat men. Personally I have absolutely nothing against either fat or slim (or even skinny) people - I'd rather judge someone on their personality than by their looks, shame others are so fixated with appearance that they can't see past that.

I understand that some people find fat repulsive, in the same way that others find scrawny repulsive - but the rabid revulsion shown by some seems to me to be more than a little excessive.

Alongside this one is the fat = stupid thing. Why? Even if you believe fat people have no self control, how does this make them unintelligent? I'd be interested in any reasoned arguments about that one.
(Freakmandu, Wed 7 May 2008, 13:01, 1 reply)

Another Excel feature
One of the "Paste Special" options allowing you to paste values, formats etc.

Sometimes ther lure you in saying "Hell yeah, of course you can paste that in" and then say "No! Are you a moron?". Why? "The operation requires the merged cells to be identically sized".

Yes, I know this, which is why I picked merged cells that FUCKING WERE THE SAME BASTARD SIZE. NOW DO AS YOU'RE BASTARD TOLD AND PASTE THE CNUTS IN.

FUCKSOCKS!
(markthebrewer doesn't know if he's coming or going or coming, Wed 7 May 2008, 13:00, Reply)

Golf umbrellas
...anywhere other than a golf course. What on earth are you compensating for that means you have to take up the entire pavement? I mean it's enough of a pain in the arse navigating the rush hour stampede in the rain with normal size umbrellas about - why the hell do you think it's necessary to be carrying the millennium dome around with you? Few things give me more pleasure than seeing one of you little hooray henrys grappling with one of the damn things as soon as the wind gets up. You're a bloke ffs - get a decent coat and stop spending so much time on that crap hairstyle.

If you're really that insecure about your masculinity, buy a bloody E-type and have done with it.
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:52, 1 reply)

"Artists"...
...who preciously oppose downloading music because "it's the enemy of creativity, yeah?"

It's like this: If your debut single gets turned into a Jamster ringtone before you've had chance to Listerine the taste of Pete Waterman's semen off your tonsils, don't be too surprised if I download it for free, listen to it twice, then forget it utterly, all in the space of about 12 minutes.

In the words of Bill Hicks, "you've made your fucking choice".
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:51, Reply)

Boilers.
Why the fuck do boilers seem to break so often? They have a very simple task - heat up water on demand. So why has mine broken four times in as many months, yet my computer, which has a far more complicated job, has been on for a year continuously and hasn't failed (hardware, at least) once?
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:45, 3 replies)

slightly off-topic I know
but after a week spent moaning about things in life that really get my goat the last two days have involved

1) me meeting a rather nice young lady, who digs me as much as I dig her, we had a great evening and hope to have a great weekend!

2) Watching my accursed football team win a playoff semi-final last night and im off to Wembley Stadium on the 18th!

Yeah there are some things in life that make me turn into a spitting ball of fury, but there are others that make me wander around in a blissful daze while sporting the worlds largest shit eatingly happy smile.

Life is sweet, even if dumb people and things try to knock you down.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:41, 3 replies)

"Please allow passengers off the train first"
I mean it's not fucking rocket science, is it?
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:40, 1 reply)

Almost everything but especially...
As this is my 1st ever B3TA post I’ll keep it brief or else I may start foaming at the mouth and fall over backwards:

Boris Johnson
How the fucking hell did this motherfucking cunting fuckwit manage to get elected Mayor of London? I am unable to see a single laudable quality that the man possesses. I am unfortunate enough to know people who voted for him because “he’s funny”, but is that a basis for electing someone to a position of power? He’s just another in a long line of posh tossbags who under no circumstances should be allowed into positions of authority. Actually while I’m here why not just extend this to all politicians, I think by definition anyone who wants to be a politician should under no circumstances be allowed to, bunch of twunts the lot of them.

Scooters
Gay? Tosser? Too scared to ride a real motorbike? Why not buy a 50cc scooter and spend your time annoying every other road user. There was a time when this could be restricted to pizza delivery pricks, unfortunately now every chavvy little wanker rides around on a machine that sounds like a wasp with anger management issues. And to make matters worse some of the little fuckers actually try and “Mod” them with neon lights et al, like you don’t look like enough of a cunt when riding one? And don’t even get me started on the way they ride them, I realise there are always exceptions to the rule but as a result of the minimal training required to ride one, the majority of them are a danger to themselves and everyone else. That said, I can’t help feeling a sense of grim satisfaction when I see one of them get wiped out by a car that they failed to give way to because it disputed their ownership of the road… Little fuckers
(redrewmac *Insert witty comment here*, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:29, 17 replies)

Just a minor thing
but my pet peeve is authoritarian regimes who put barriers in the way of international assistance when their country has been hit by a natural disaster. Or aged despots destroying a perfectly good economy, driving people who previously had a decent living into poverty. A little thing, I know, but it really annoys me.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:20, 4 replies)

Let's see if we can break the word limit on these things. EPIC RANT IS EPIC.
THINGS WOT TICK ME OFF (in no particular order):

1. People who write "Ok" in fiction. "OK" is the abbreviation, "okay" is what people actually say. Either of those is fine. "Ok" is a typo of wok, you cock.

2. People who don't get the hint when you're blowing them off. I'm stoked that my social life has reached such great heights that more people want to instant message me than I want to instant message (I know, today the internet, on Tuesday Miss Congeniality) but if I'm giving you noncommittal one-lol answers in response to whatever the hell you're blathering on about, that's generally a sign that I've lost interest and am humouring you because I am a nice person. Shut up, I am so.

3. The bizarre level of technophobia in all the literature for my COMMUNICATIONS course. Experts Advise Caution. "New" Media - Good Or Evil? Video Killed The Radio Star - And It's Coming For You(tube).

For heaven's sake. We still write with *pen and paper* when we've had typewriters and computers for decades. I'm sure it's decreasing a little the more portable computers get, but it's not obsolete or redundant by any means. Similarly I always think the people bewailing the internet spelling DOOM for the printed book and the CD have an air of willful hysteria about them. This next change is the harbinger of the apocalypse, no? Well, THIS one then - fine, THIS one. The elusive End Of Society As We Know it is always just over the horizon. I'm doing the reading for our first essay and apparently Andrew Keen thinks Wikipedia spells the death of Encyclopedia Brittanica and its ilk - while simultaneously being unreliable tripe and nonsense. Funny how the new thing is always utter rubbish AND YET taking over the world. Luring us in with its seductive dodginess and shitty quality OF TEMPTATION. Kids these days! This guy just makes me sprain my face for rolling my eyes, honestly.

4. That stage of the flu when absolutely everything smells like children's glue paste.

5. Shopping malls that start playing Christmas carols in September. Why? I mean... it's not like it's the religious segment of the holiday that's slowly stretching out until it devours the year. That's just the commercial crap. As far as I know the Christians are only doing mass and carols and whatever they do on, yaknow, Christmas. Why on earth do we hear carols that early?

6. That *particular* brand of feminist rhetoric where the word rape gets tossed around like confetti and you generally get the impression that the person behind it would prefer to live on the island of Lesbos with a bunch of women and some eunuch servants. I, Madam, am a feminist. You are merely batshit.

7. Book covers from the seventies and eighties. They had nice book covers in the nineteenth century, and they're fine now with the exception of the occasional dreadful fantasy cover art, but that era was just uniformly awful. What happened? Also, apparently the colour orange is edgy or something, cos they sure were itching to slap it on the manifestos, diatribes and anyone who disagrees with people a lot. But what can you expect from a company that prints a tiny hardcover labeled "unwin paperbacks"?

8. BBC film adaptations of Shakespeare. They pretty much universally suck. And because they're very official they were constantly inflicted upon us in high school. Even the version of Macbeth in which the "unsex me here" speech with COMPLETE LACK OF IRONY was accompanied by Lady Macbeth groping herself suggestively.

9. Teenage girls. Yes, I technically remain a teenage girl, but I'm talking about the really irritating little ones that seem to gain some bizarre sort of amusement from interrogating you even though you know for a fact that there's no way they actually like you enough to care about your life. "What kind of shoes does he wear? Do you pash? How often do you pash? Is he a geek? Everyone says he's a geek. Is he shorter than you? I can't believe you don't know what kind of shoes he wears. Why are you going out with a geek? Everyone says he's a geek. What would you do if you found out he was your brother? [yes, really.] Well, you look alike. Well in a hypothetical situation. How come you never answer questions?"

STFU BITCH.

10. Two words: Public. Transport. And the websites that you use to plan your routes. I've heard Things about Whereis, but the one that regularly makes me froth at the mouth is 131500.com, the Aussie public transport aid website. One time a few years ago, I had cause to go to Chatswood, a suburb I'd thus far never been within ten kilometres of. The map I printed out to get me from the train station to the correct bus stop managed to lead me in a huge circle around the train station instead of, oh say, just TELLING ME TO EXIT ON THE OTHER SIDE, and then, for a coup de resistance, authoritatively informed me that my bus stop was on a nonexistant street. I checked very carefully - on the map, there was Albert street, then Dalton street, then Victoria street. In the REAL WORLD, there was just Albert street and then Victoria street. In fact, a cursory examination of a street directory showed that there was in fact NO street called "Dalton" ANYWHERE IN THE SUBURB. I have no idea how they managed to get it onto the map without perhaps consulting real life at all. It takes a really special kind of incompetence to not only MAKE UP A STREET but then tell people to catch buses from it.

Enough!

How's that for impotent rage?
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:19, 13 replies)

I'm not happy
About Big Brother either and I'm shocked that I've not seen many people mention it here. its not started yet but I can tell its going to come along soon.

those .5 second flashes of that eye in some new-designed techno thing makes me gasp in terror because I know its coming

Last year, after having been subjected to nothing but big brother talk and nothing but 24 hour big brother at friends houses, I decided to watch it so I could at least be involved in conversation without tearing my face off

it didn't work, I couldn't watch it. its just so insignificant, so unimportant.

I really, really, really don't care who said what about that guy who'se going out with that girl who can't hold her temper when she's talking to the bloke who won't stop cleaning up after the girl who won't clear up her tampons but insists on doing all the cooking so she's constantly bitching to that girl who can't keep her mouth shut and is always talking about everyone behind their backs with that gay guy who gets on the straight guys nerves.

I'm guessing that there are a few people here who would agree with me.
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Wed 7 May 2008, 12:17, 8 replies)

Vegans
Not your run of the mill vegans, the fucking military hardcore wing that detests all things meat, won't even drive through towns with the word 'ham' in the name(thank you Bill Bailey).

Got nothing against vegetarians at all, several friends are vegans (for reasons ranging from health to lifestyle choice) and I do try (it's hard when you have carnivorous habits) to be accommodating to them.

But every now and again I'm thrust into the company of one of these 'warrior of the little animals' types, who will proceed to piss me right off.

ME"I'll have the steak please, rare"
HVF(Hardcore Vegan Fuckwit)"Eeeww, you can't eat that, it's disgusting and cruel!!"
ME"No, it's natural and delicious, as well as my choice."
HVF"But they keep the animals in cruel conditions and kill them in horrible ways, it's cruel and you are cruel by association."
ME"On second thought (pause for effect), make my order a blue steak, walk it past the oven on your way to my table, that should do."

This never solves the problem, but helps me handle the stares of the vegan cunt at the end of the table - who incidentally has ordered a veggie burger. "I won't eat meat, but I want my food to look like meat." WTF????

Length? Who cares, it was 16oz of pure deliciousness, at least that's what she said.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Wed 7 May 2008, 12:14, 9 replies)

But he's the greatest thing ever......
I am a pretty open minded person when it comes to music, I will give all genres of music a go. I hate the people that are fans of one artist/ group in particular and will attempt to argue that they are greatest thing to happen to the music industry.

I'm not one of those people that turns up to places with a music encyclopedia under his arm looking to argue about music, I just seem to attract nutters like this while trying to enjoy a night out. The two most recent arguments that spring to mind were at a friends wedding where I was told by two different people that:

(i) Elton John is the greatest artist ever (even though he dosent write his own lyrics and that there were a shedload of classical composers that did a hell of a lot better than he could)

(ii) Micheal Jackson invented dance music

When something like this is said I do admit that I turn into a music Nazi, and I don't mean I dress up in full Gestapo getup and belt out songs with lines like "Auschwitz Auschwitz were killing Jews".

When faced with simple facts these deluded twats usually resort to a stuttered "well, he just is...."

Bollocks

If you have an opinion like that and feel the need to voice it to other people at least come up with proof to back your side of the argument up or leave me alone with my pint.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:09, Reply)

Incompetent / Lazy Computer users
We write a lot of reports and other documents here at work for clients, authorities and for internal use.

However it seems that I spend half my fucking life tidying-up other people's documents to the point that I feel confident they look professional enough to send to these important people.
Consistent formatting (throughout the WHOLE of the document, not just the current page), spelling and grammar. Never heard of a spell-checker? Bastards.
I reckon most of the problems stem from Micro-fucking-soft Office. How many Styles do you actually need? Why does it keep creating the little bastards. (And have you tried to delete them when It gets confused? Aaaarggh!).

And then there are the people who seem to be proud of the fact that they can't use these labour saving devices properly (and then expect the IT pixies to tidy-up their messes).

And don't get me started on the general populace's inability to use apostrophies. Come on, they're not that chuffing difficult to comprehend.

What else now ... ?
(markthebrewer doesn't know if he's coming or going or coming, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:07, 5 replies)

Holding Open Doors.
If I hold open the door for you, even the slightest acknowledgement would be nice.

A nod of the head, a smile, maybe even a thank you.

It's not that hard to be polite people, seriously.

If you just ignore me don't look so offended when I turn round and cheerfully say, "You're welcome," what did you expect, I'm not your servant, I was doing you a favour.

EDIT: Woo! It's my b3taday :D
( aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:03, 6 replies)

Hollyannivy has just reminded me
Of another Pet Peeve which I fear is about to descend upon me for another year

T4

and Big Bro/Shipwrecked meaning that T4 will be on ALL DAY all weekend

I have friends who love this show, and I sometimes watch the hollyoaks omnibus or friends if its on. But I don't understand how people my age (and slightly under, I guess its aimed at 18-30 people, I'm 22) can't see it for what it is. Kids TV

The presenters are fake, over the top and really not funny. They are childrens entertainers for young adults.

they scamper across the set with their 'oh so funny' scripts and silly games and competitions I'm waiting for a tank of gunge to come in from somewhere.

Dermot o'learey the biggest prick to land on the planet has to be the worst offender, with that June Sarpong who sounds like her voice box fell into the garbage disposal (although thankfully I think she's gone) coming up a close second. That buzzcocks guy is in the same league and in a slightly different, but still not funny league is russel brand

they are all unfunny babysiters who ambush the TV every weekend and insist that they are funny.

I almost prefer the Kids TV at least that doesn't pretend to be anything else. let's watch hider in the house instead!
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Wed 7 May 2008, 11:59, 4 replies)

Hyperbole in news stories
Look, BBC, just because incidences of domestic violence in Scotland increased by 2% on days when the Scottish National football team lost, does not mean that incidents "soared", or that there was a "massive increase".

Especially not when there's a 4% margin of error in the results.

This is just the one incident that sticks most in my mind, because I actually complained about it. There are millions* of similar incidents.


_{*Yeah, I know, I did it on purpose}
( Thinker, Wed 7 May 2008, 11:58, Reply)

For the love of god...
Things that annoy me:
Reality TV shows - why oh why do I want to see members of the public going through a glorified job interview process or making absolute tits of themsleves on national TV? I can walk around any number of towns of a night and see exactly the same (except for the glorified TV interview of course)

I hate management speak buzzwords as well, I mean what’s the point of saying 600 words when one will do

Eg:
Blue sky thinking – any idea goes
Think outside the box – I’m stuffed for sensible ideas
Finger in the air – I have no idea what the numbers are but these sound good to me
Going forward – here’s what we will do next but I want to sound dynamic
I think anyone who uses management bull crap too often should be shot, or at least high fived – to the face hard.

People who don't know how to use indicators. What do they think we all are? Fucking psychic? As a pedestrian and cyclist for many years this used to wind me up, to the point of considering taking a step out in front of these idiots and attempting to sue their arse.

Americanism's in MS products. Why does your autocorrect update a word with the American spelling? if I put an S in such a word as organisation then it means I want an S. Don't change it to a fucking Z like I have no idea how to spell. This wouldn't be so bad but we can't keep default settings on our PC's at work for some reason so everytime I set the language to English UK it still reverts to US next time I get on it.

R'N'B - Why oh Why do the number of incessant chavs around near me have to keep playing it? It's not R'N'B it;s Urban Fucking SOul, or perhaps Rap. Twats.

Emo Whingey Shite - Yes, I'm sure everyone hates and you hate yourself but why do you feel the need to share it with me and the rest of the world? Just sob on your own somewhere. go out and get drunk instead.

Radiohead - wrist slitting music

Chavs - need I say more

I'm sure I shall add more as I think of them
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 7 May 2008, 11:57, Reply)

The Streets..
Honestly, who buys that shit. Someone singing...sorry, SPEAKING about what he bought in MacDonalds and the local at the weekend over the top of worse "music" than my GF's 8 year old can procuce with a bin lid and a wooden spoon (she's quite good actually).

ANd then there's the people in the street who whistle and god forbid sing in public. I'm not talking about buskers, some of them are quite good. But people walking along whistling and trying to sing. My dad is the worst culprit for this.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Wed 7 May 2008, 11:56, 1 reply)

Strawberry Tarts
I have just watched a busty female colleague suck a very large strawberry clean of the top of a strawberry tart, complete with sound effects.

It peeves me that I'll now have to spend the rest of the day stuck in an office with that image in my brain.......
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Wed 7 May 2008, 11:55, 3 replies)

Cleaning my grill.
I have a George Forman 'Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine', fantastic thing that it is.

The only problem is cleaning out the little tray where all the fat (that would otherwise have stayed in your food) accumulates.

I mean, really. Scraping off layer after layer of squelchy white animal fat. It makes me want to vomit.

Theoretically, I should become veggie.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 7 May 2008, 11:53, 11 replies)

I'm about to finish my old job
there are 2 days, 5 hours and 10 mins left (can you tell I'm desperate to get out of here)

I've been temping here since I graduated from Uni and looking for a job for a full year before this one came along, and I'm so happy it did.

But there are several things that really, really piss me off about this job.

Firstly, there isn't actually any work to do. which is great! but there's only so much reading b3ta and checking emails you can do before getting bored

The current annoyance, however happens to be that my colleagues who I will miss dearly and who are all very happy for me getting this job, keep putting me in the worst position imaginable.

at least once a day someone will ask/say "Not Long Now, Bet you can't wait to start the new job" or "are you looking forward to leaving us?"

the answer in truth would be "yes, I'm climbing the freaking walls here as I have been for the past 8 months I can't wait for friday to come so I can be free, and I can't wait for my new job to start so that I can re-attatch my brain which during my 8 months of employment here has been detatched due to lack of use."

only I can't say that. instead I have to say "I'll miss all of you" and hope they stop asking questions.

not long now. 2 days, 5 hours, 5 mins
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Wed 7 May 2008, 11:52, Reply)

be gentle
first post yay!

simon amstell, i hate him
you know the bloke off never mind the buzzcocks, the arrogant, sarcastic, curly haired bastard.
i dont know if this is a pet peeve or just the old hatred of another human
anyway i hate him
(hollyannivy, Wed 7 May 2008, 11:36, 8 replies)

Hurry up *already* Come on *already*
*points at America*

Stop raping the English language.

No argument...

Just fucking STOP it alright?
Sorry... correction.. "Stop it already".
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 7 May 2008, 11:33, 8 replies)

City Link
For the love of God if you want to keep your sanity avoid this courier at all costs!!

My partner ordered a computer on Tuesday, and requested it be delivered on Friday. The courier was Shitty Link...so in true style they turn up on Thursday when there's no bugger at home. Partner calls..'oh yes sir, we'll have it to you tomorrow'.

Friday rolls around, i have the day off work to wait for the parcel. I let the cat out just at the right moment to see a Shitty Link van driving down the road with nary a wave or tinkle.

Call partner - who calls Shitty Link - who inform him that they forgot to put the package on the van. Well that's bloody terrific.

So partner asks if they can deliver on Saturday. 'Oh no, that costs extra sir'. Could they do it as a gesture of goodwill - seeings as they've buggered up twice?
'Well - we'll arrange to have it sent to you Saturday morning'.

Did it turn up Saturday morning?
Did it fucksocks.

Had to collect it ourselves yesterday. i hate them with all my soul.
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Wed 7 May 2008, 11:27, 3 replies)