Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!
You reach a point in life where the stupidity, dishonesty, selfishness and arrogance of other human beings ceases to annoy you. You expect it. You take it in your stride.

Having reached this point, it's come as a bit of a disappointment that I don't go Victor Meldrew over every little thing that should really piss me off.

This does not mean that my life is serene and filled with equanimity. Oh no.

For some inexplicable reason I find TV adverts get me grinding my teeth and shouting impotently at the box more and more. Some that really get that vein throbbing on my forehead:

1) That Orange advert with the inflatable animals... racoons? dolphins? the, er, other ones? What the fuck have they got to do with how you pay for their services? What links which animal with which talk plan? And why choose racoons, when they're not native to the UK? Also, I'm sick of hearing Sean Bean's voice telling me how great it is to be connected, and to have a zillion free SIM cards, when two would be one too many.

2) Can't remember the name of the product, but it's some kind of compost for the garden and is promoted as "100% chemical free". Which either means that inside each bag is a perfect vacuum, or that the advert guys mean something else, along the lines of "this is for all the fuckwits out there who think sciencey things and especially 'chemicals' are bad". You, me, grow-bags and Kentucky Fried Chicken are all made 100% of chemicals.

3) How stupid do you have to be to go for one of those consolidate-all-your-loans things? Every financial advice program on TV, the radio and the web tells you that they're a really bad idea, yet the adverts continue to roll out, from which we must deduce that a huge number of people are signing away their houses, firstborn and pension to pay for those adverts. Also, insurance companies and comparison sites, we know you're there. Thanks for letting us in on the secret; now fuck off and make room for adverts featuring cute fluffy animals.

4) Sainsburys ads with Jamie Oliver in them. I hate Jamie Oliver.

5) All those probiotic yoghurt ads. There are medical conditions where probiotics are called for, but you'd then get something on prescription. This is pure marketing bollocks - none of these products do anything useful. Ladies - (noticed how all the ads have ladies in them?) - if you're feeling bloated, try farting. It's cheaper and healthier than ponced-up yoghurt. And us blokes secretly love it when you squeak one out.

6) Any product trumpeting "added omega-3", (a) because you don't need it and (b) because it's mostly derived from vegetable sources, which is next to useless. It's the fishy stuff you want, guv, so have a kipper, some smoked mackerel, herring, or whatever. You'd have to consume a frightening amount of Fish Fingers to get a meaningful quantity of Omega-3 though.

7) That Kellogs Corn Flakes ad, where the guy's trolley has a wonky wheel and he crashes into the ditsy-looking chick's, their eyes meet, and... ...and meanwhile the packet of cornflakes and the pint of milk are getting it on... (notice the milk is in a glass bottle, in a supermarket - ????) and when they, er, come together in the bowl there's something ejaculatory (if that's a word) about the way the milk spurts, gushes and dribbles all over the flakes. This has put me right off cornflakes: I can't shift the mental image of someone jacking off into a bowl of crunchy goodness.

8) There seems to be a glut of car adverts where the things either fly apart into separate components, or the components fly towards some point and assemble themselves into a vehicle, or the cars turn into dust / water / flies / who knows what. Car companies: we get it! You've got decent advertising budgets and access to good CGI studios. But this has been done to death. Really.

9) It used to be that if an ad for a product had been produced in the USA and they re-used it for the UK, they would at least dub the dialogue into a British accent. Quite badly, but an effort was made. They seem to have stopped bothering. Two cases in point: (a) the CGI cartoony one for that monster Dodge? Chrysler? people-carrier - I don't know who these characters are, they're not part of our culture. And why have a squirrel operate the controls for the seats? And at least flip the image of the vehicle so the steering wheel is on the right - right as in correct and as in not left - side of the vehicle, you know, where the driver sits. And briefly (b) the new one for KFC. It's just a US advert... no concessions to it being shown in the UK.

10) The persistent depiction of white middle aged men as useless fuck-ups with the brains of a goldfish, the charisma of a slug and a sense of humour borrowed from my Dad. You'd never get away with it if they were female / black / Asian; although Oriental males do seem to get typecast as bonkers martial arts nuts. I'd love to see an advert featuring someone a bit like me (middle-aged, middle-class, slightly overweight white male) as someone you wouldn't automatically run away from.

And many more instances of annoying shit that I can do nothing about, but I need a lie down.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:00, 4 replies)

9a
I think the Chrysler Grand Voyager(?) one has a tiny caption saying "US model shown" at the bottom.

That would remind me it was actually an American car, and that alone would put me off buying it. I've driven quite a few American rental cars, and they're all piss-poor. The least crap was the Dodge Magnum, which is sold here as the Chrysler 300C Touring, which was pretty good as American cars go, but seemed to drink about as much fuel as a Boeing 747.

I dare say there are better ones than those the rental companies buy, but Japanese and European motors are well ahead, IMO.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:17, closed)

"I'm swivelling, I'm swivelling!"
I'll give you something to swivel on, you annoying little cgi brat. Now fuck off.
(Axeman Jim, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:34, closed)

Adverts
I hate adverts as much as you that is for sure. I do not see any adverts anymore !!

1. Go buy a Ps3 (not for the games)
2. Connect it wireless to your home network.
3. Do not watch live tv !!
4. Goto www.seedpeer.com (just an example, there are loads).
5. Goto veryfied downloads.
6. Find the shows you want to see and download. They are usually there an hour after on TV.
7. Watch them via the Ps3 wireless so you don't need to burn dvd.
8. Repeat.

Do this an you will have days worth of stuff to watch ALL advert free.

So now they spend money thinking you are watching their shit adverts when in reality like me you will never need to see them again :-)

I do not know any of the adverts mentioned above and that's 100 % truth.

Hope this helps, 5 or 6 mates do this now, it's like your own video on demand. It works a treat for Lost or Hells kitchen for eg.
(amsterdam_neild, Mon 5 May 2008, 14:41, closed)

and also
When have you ever seen an ant using the post office? And penguins that appreciate air freshener? Fuck off.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 5 May 2008, 16:06, closed)