Attracting an Audience
On a night out with a few work colleagues, I ended up a bit worse for wear quite early on in the evening. This resulted in me losing my phone in a crowded bar in the centre of town. I should mention that normally, without the influence of drink, I’m always aware of where my phone, wallet and keys are, but the more I drink, the less concerned I get about them.

Being as drunk as I was, I began scrambling around on the small dance floor, hoping to find my precious phone. I think at one point, a small circle of people formed round me, thinking I was doing some sort of funky-worm dance. One girl called me a pervert as she thought I was trying to peer up her skirt. To be honest, I probably was.

The search for my phone proved to be fruitless and there was only one thing left for me to try; an announcement to the whole of the bar.

I made my way up a flight of stairs to where the DJ was playing. He was positioned on a sort of balcony, looking over the top of the dancefloor.

“Yes mate, what song do you want?”

“No. I don’t want to make a request. I want to make an announcement”

“Sorry, you can’t do that”

“Please, I’ll be quick I promise, this is really important”.

Surprisingly, he handed me a microphone. I leant across and turned the volume on his equipment right down which pissed him off immensely. Everyone on the dance floor turned to look up at us, and were greeted with the sight of me, microphone in hand, swaying slightly. I began to speak.

“Sssshhhhh. Sssshhhhhh. Everyone, listen. I have an announcement to make. Shhhh! SHHHH! You over there, be quiet a minute.”

By now you could have heard a mouse fart. I was doing well. Then a couple of blokes over by a fruit machine started talking to one another.

“Oi. You two. You as well, I need everyone silent. Right, now I have your attention, I need you all to do something. I have lost my phone. What I’m going to do is ring my number and I want everyone to listen out for it. Whoever finds my phone will be treated to drinks for the rest of the night. First I need a volunteer”

The DJ then tried to grab the mic from my hand.

“I won’t be a minute mate. Nearly done”

I looked down at the people below me and realised that everyone single person in the place was looking at me and it made me very nervous. A few of them had their hands in the air. ‘Why the fuck do they have their hands in the air’ I wondered to myself…’Ahh, yes, I needed a volunteer’.

“You in the blue top. Have you got a phone?”

The girl I was pointing at nodded.

“Ok, come up here”

She came up and I asked for her phone.

“Right everyone, here we go. Drinks for the rest of the night remember, should you find my phone. Here goes, I’m ringing it”.

The place was absolutely silent. The DJ was fucking fuming, but I had a crowd on my side now so there was nothing he could do. We were all stood, waiting. I imagined a mass bundle breaking out once we heard my phone, as the people below me jostled to get to it first.

Then I heard ringing.

The ringing was loud; my phone was definitely in the building. The ringing was very loud in fact. I felt inside my jacket pocket; there was something in there. My hand reached in, and I pulled out my phone. I started laughing.

I was escorted off the premises within a couple of minutes.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 12:21, 12 replies)

brilliant
click
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 12:23, closed)

It's going to take something to top that!
Fabulous.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 12:41, closed)

This wins absolutely fucking EVERYTHING.
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 12:51, closed)

Still, you got her number...
( Weejock, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 14:54, closed)

That's just what I was thinking.

( gone, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 14:55, closed)

Priceless.
Click.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 15:05, closed)

Full of win mate
where did this happen BTW?
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 19 Aug 2011, 21:32, closed)

The Grapes in Aylesbury, Bucks
Now called 'Stars', I think
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Sat 20 Aug 2011, 8:18, closed)

The Grapes in Aylesbury?
My home town years ago. Have a click for that and for being a great story!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 6:08, closed)

Correct, yes!
Not too far from me...
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 9:53, closed)

Magnificent!

(eesnahk, Sat 20 Aug 2011, 14:56, closed)

Hahaha!
Brilliant!
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 20 Aug 2011, 21:46, closed)