Crickets, Polar Bears and Police
Welcome to the latest installment of "Kaol's Fears".

Crickets - I've been keeping lizards since I was 8, and lizards eat crickets. Live crickets.
I'm 100% fine with all other insects, centipedes, spiders, anything like that, just bloody crickets that give me the Fear.

The problem with crickets is that they chew stuff. Can you imagine having a small hole chewed in you, fragment by fragment? Well, that never happened to me, but it did happen to my first lizard. Those crickety bastards chewed a hole in her tail.
That isn't as bad as it sounds, because reptiles are fantastic at regenerating damage, they can regrow most of their liver for example, so as you can imagine, a bit of damage to the tail is no problem.

This didn't stop my 10-year-old self from getting some serious twitches every time I saw a cricket, some bad nightmares about being chewed, and never, ever wanting to feed crickets to my animals again. Locusts are far better looking, easier to digest for the lizards, and less evil.

Polar Bears - Polar bears are fucking huge.
They can drag a walrus out of a hole in the ice, and large walruses weigh around two tonnes.
Just because they're white and fluffy, doesn't mean they're cute.

They see you as meat. I for one don't like the idea of a 10-foot beast of pure muscle, bone and evil wanting to eat me.

So, I say bring on "global warming", that'll sort the bastards out.

Oh, and you can't eat them either, as they have some parasite that's fatal to humans. Brilliant.

Police - As in Her Majesty's Police Force.
I don't understand why, but whenever I see police, I get the Fear, so badly, despite the fact that I'm never doing anything wrong.

I seem to be one of those people who "looks dodgy", I always get the full treatment at gigs and airports, and I'm frequently asked what I'm doing by the police.

*shrugs*
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 10:05, 25 replies)

*clicks*
*can't wait for next thrilling instalment of Kaol's myriad of fears*
*yellows*
*releases the polar bears in police uniform from the trap above your head*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 10:08, closed)

Well,
I don't think there're many more from my list.

Polar Bears
Water
People standing behind me
Being underground
Sand
Police
Crickets
Yellow
Gin
Sweetcorn
Being sick

I'm not talking about the water one though.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 10:37, closed)

Tell me all about the people standing behind you thing.
And show me where daddy touched you on this doll O-I-=

I get claustrophobic on the underground too, can hardly breathe and stuff, but I rarely go up to London, and take my mind off of it by standing too close to the person in front of me.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 10:52, closed)

I go
To London a couple of times a month for business, and occasionally for pleasure.

When I was at Uni I had to get the Tube from Waterloo to Liverpool Street if I was going to see my family/girlfriend. Was a bit rubbish.

I'm a lot better with it now though, just listen to music, read intently and pretend I'm somewhere else.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 10:56, closed)

I don't mind the tube
But I hate people who stand on the platform in the way of the door when you're trying to get off. Makes me want to kill them with hammers.

*soothes anger by stroking a monkey*
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 10:57, closed)

M(onkey)C Hammers
HAMMERTIME!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:02, closed)

I'm not allowed
To make jokes about hammer attacks...
This news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/southern_counties/4662266.stm happened when I was at uni.

And they never caught me
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:05, closed)

Errrrrm
Are you not allowed to make jokes because this was someone you knew, or because you were the one doing it?

Either way, apologies for bad taste joke.

*offers clean monkey*
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:08, closed)

@Kaol
Eeep!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:11, closed)

Nah,
It's not as serious as I made out, knew the girl, she's ok now, and the caught the guy, he's in prison now.

Sorry to bring the mood down.

Stop.










Hammertime.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:14, closed)

I keep trying to make a joke
about the lady who was stabbed in the neck and paralysed just after I moved to a little village in surrey, but can't.

I actually have a conscience, what a terrible thought.

*does the running man*
Oh! Whoah! Whoah! oh!
Stop.
Break it down.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:20, closed)

Oh...
Why did you move to Surrey?
I was in inmate of Egham and Englefield Green for 3 years.

I honestly prefer Essex.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:23, closed)

Oh...
And about "the lady who was stabbed in the neck and paralysed".

At least she couldn't slap away your wandering hands...
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:24, closed)

.
BAUM barm bam bap.

Barm bap

bam bap!

"Can't touch this"
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:24, closed)

*STOP THE PRESS*
Today it was reported that Bertmonkeysex of B3ta, Great Britain has indeed got a conscience.

*Police think that this may be a hoax*
( girlinthehole, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:26, closed)

It's a lie
a lie I tell you. You just ask chickenlady's goats.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:32, closed)

*touches it*
I'm sorry Burt, if you have a conscience, we just can't be friends any more.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:34, closed)

I don't think he has a conscience..
I think he has a conch shell and is confused.
( girlinthehole, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:38, closed)

A conch shell?
Is that a delicate way of saying something else?
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:43, closed)

FINE
As you all have such a low opinion of me anyway...

I honestly can't think of a joke about neck-stabbing now. Ask me about the fantom lumberjack.

@Kaol, I was moving within Surrey, I've been here since I was 14
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:46, closed)

Oh...
That's a shame.

*doesn't like Surrey*
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:52, closed)

What you got against it?
Apart from the fact that it's extemely quiet, massively overpriced and slowly being overrun with chavs?

Since nobody asked, a few years back at a school near here, a tree fell and killed a little girl.
The Tree Officer at the council said it had been diseased, but he is a liar, for I know that at night he secretly dons a spandex uniform and becomes, 'The Fantom Lumberjack!' DUN DUN DUN!!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 11:56, closed)

Well,
Where I live is extremely quiet, chav-free, and fairly cheap.

I didn't like the "Surrey-people" much either, the really stuck-up "Oh, Jolly good!" type ones.

I like the idea of the Fantom Lumberjack though, that tickled me.

Not as much as the fact that you could be a "Tree Officer" for a living.

They should get the Half-Man, Half-Tree gentleman from that programme last night.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

@Kaol
if you've never encountered a tree officer before then you've never worked in the exciting field (arf!) of environmental consultancy.

That was a very geeky arf for those that understand what environmental consultancy is.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 12:11, closed)

*Drops Elm Tree on you both*
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Kaol, working at the council I had to deal with hundreds of those kinds of people every day. I wish they were all dead.
Is there some wonderful place that isn't overrun by the elderly and interfering old bastards?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 12:13, closed)