Some Words on the Care and Handling of Spiders
I really, really, really don't like spiders. Unfortunately, having lived in a succession of falling-apart flats and student houses in North London for the last nine years, I've been exposed to the bastards rather more than I'd like, so I've decided to take this opportunity to share some of the tips I've picked up for dealing with them.

1. Textbooks - specifically this one. It's important that you choose an expensive textbook to ensure that it has enough weight when free-flying to thoroughly flatten any spiders it lands on. A durable wipe-clean cover is a good idea, and it is essential (at least in student housing) that you choose a paperback version that is able to mould itself to the uneven contours of your crappy floor.

In a pinch you can use a copy of the Yellow Pages instead, but the drawbacks are manifold - the cheap paper results in a light weight and you will have to leap ontop of it after impact and jump up and down for several minutes to ensure that your target is dead, the spine is weak and can lead to it flapping open mid-flight and thus missing the target and the covers are absorbent enough that you will have to rip handfuls of spider-goo soaked pages off the back for disposal, preventing you from ever being able to find a local Taxi firm, let alone anything later in the alphabet.

2. Cats. Cats like to play with spiders, and are excellent at detecting them. The problem is that (my cat at least) prefers playing with spiders to eating them, and this often results in a wounded spider being chased into a hidey-hole, often distressingly near to your bed. At this point, even should you be able to overcome the mortal terror of knowing that there's a spider somewhere in your room, the cat's wails of frustration/clumsy attempts to wedge itself behind a bookcase will ruin any chances of sleep.

3. Swiffers. I cannot recommend these things highly enough. They will clean the horrible laminate your landlord saw fit to install, and even better they are the ideal spider killing implement, consisting as they do of a flat, pivoting head on a long pole. They even allow you to attach paper or cloths to the head to absorb the spider-goo! Where the textbook fails (walls, ceilings) the Swiffer excels, and the handle is long enough that you can murder a spider on the ceiling without having to stand underneath the bloody thing.

I also recommend that any spider-hunt feature an assistant, as for some reason both I and my housemate find that we can either kill a given spider or dispose of its remains, but not both. The two-person team allows an equitable distribution of these roles and also provides much needed moral support and backup shrieking.

I am a man of 27, and I am not ashamed. Spiders are fucking horrible.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:45, 6 replies)

Having just returned from a year in Australia
...where redbacks and 6-inch-wide Golden Orb Spiders abound, UK spiders hold no fear for me. When I'm round on Wednesday I'll try to eliminate a few of them.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 13:58, closed)

Mr Walrus
When did you become a monkey?

We only have the one spider at the moment, which is fulfilling the vital role of monitoring the leak in the bathroom ceiling. As it is spindly rather than hunty, it can be tolerated - for the moment... *ominous chords*
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:28, closed)

@ Ancrenne
I think my cat just doesn't like me much.

When I am surprised by a spider I make a noise so high pitched that it travels backward through time and convinces the original Victorian occupants of my house that they have a ghost.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 14:32, closed)

That book only has 67 pages!
If I'm going to hurl a text book at a spider, or any bug, it has to be at least 300 pages so as to give it sufficient bulk. I have a lovely Sociology text that is fantastic for this.

I like the Swiffer idea......being able to kill the spider without having to stand under it. Brilliant! Worth the price of the item even if it will only be used to kill spiders.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 15 Apr 2008, 23:22, closed)

Amazon lies!
My copy was a good few inches thick and weighed enough to crush me.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 10:02, closed)