A friend
I don't have any relevant personal stories, so I'll tell you all a little tale of a friend of mine.

My friend 'A' was seeing a pleasant little girl for a few months, whom we shall call 'X' if only for the tiresome pun. I was living with 'A' at the time, and also knew 'X' quite well, so I saw her a lot as she came 'round to visit.

Now, 'X' is a bit of a div. She's as ditsy as a Miss Alabama 2008 runner-up smacked up to the eyeballs on helium. She's also completely harmless, so you can't help but think "ahhh, bless" when she says or does something daft.

She once climbed through my bedroom window at 2am (my room was on the bottom floor) because she didn't want to wake anyone up by knocking on the front door. The front door that was always unlocked. The front door she also had a key for.

Anyway, according to my good friend 'A', the relationship was going swimmingly. They'd often be curled up on the sofa in a haze of weed smoke, and I was happy for him. Sadly, it seems she wasn't content.

I remember one morning receiving a text from 'A' saying that he had broken up with 'X'. When I returned home that evening, he told me what happened...

Apparently 'X' had been considering breaking up with 'A' for a while, but was too chicken to, y'know, communicate this. Not only was she too scared, but she'd also forget to break up with him. So, she did what normal people do to remind themselves, she got a pen and wrote "Dump A".

On her hand.

This didn't have the desired effect, she still forgot to have 'the chat'. However, when they were dozing in bed together, her gently curled up, head on his chest, 'A' happened to notice the shopping list of relationship doom on her hand. So, with the grace and patience of a vengeful ninja, he adds the word "Thanks" to her hand, slips out of the bed, and goes for a walk.

She still wants to be friends with him.

Somehow I don't see that happening.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 10:51, 45 replies)

Thats almost
quite sweet. Though bad for "your friend" obviously.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 10:57, closed)

He could have changed it
If he had a biro to hand, to "Suck A's cock".
Then dump her.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:28, closed)

If you're going to change it
why not go the whole hog

"Let A perform an Angry Pirate and then give him his brown wings"
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:32, closed)

angry pirate mexican avalanche
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:32, closed)

My favourite
was the TONY DANZA that TRL was talking about.

made me guffaw out loud.

That said, I thought of the Angry Pirate last night and chuckled and then had to explain to the Mrs what it was.

Luckily she saw the funny side.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:34, closed)

Tony Danza?
*googles*

Can't find anything, what is it?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:39, closed)

He said
you do the good lady doggy style, then just as you are getting to the good bit you shout "Who's the Boss" and when she turns round and looks surprised you punch her in the face and yell "TONY DANZA!"
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:44, closed)

Tony Danza
Sorry, I don't understand this either!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:46, closed)

I don't like that one.
I'll stick to throwing them down the stairs, thanks.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:48, closed)

Mexican avalanches
FTW.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:54, closed)

What about
the angry dragon that Ms Swipe was takling about. That also amused me.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:58, closed)

Tony Danza!
I don't understand the Tony Danza thing either, but it doesn't mean i don't find it hilarious!

In pure comedy theory, of course, I don't advocate violence.

As for writing on her hand, she had (hopefully still has) teeny tiny hands, so messages would have to be short!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:59, closed)

@CHCB
You're my kind of woman, there's room for you in bed with al, Mrs al, Kaol, Mrs Monkeysex, Enzyme and I if you'd like to join us?

@al Angry dragon...? I know I've heard this one, but please explain.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:00, closed)

Well
explanations vary, but essentially the idea is to get your love snake to sick in her mouth while you either grab her head and force it down her throat thus causing her to sneeze it out of her nose, or simply by getting the angle of fire correct so as to blow it up the tube at the back of your throat. The resulting twins streams of happy juice cause her to resemble a dragon, while whatever it is you did makes her angry.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:03, closed)

Oooow!
Doing this with milk or fizzy drinks hurts, that would be very unpleasant!

I'm going to give my Mrs extra cuddles when I see her. B3ta is a bad, naughty place, full of bad, naughty people!

*cries*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:06, closed)

*comforts*
there there Bert, just because you know about it, doesn't mean you have to do it.

Well, not more than once anyway.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:08, closed)

I love, and care about my girlfriend far too much to even consider this.
Any volunteers want to show me?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:09, closed)

I don't think
that anyone has ever really done these things.

Especially the Tony Danza.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:10, closed)

You've ruined it now al!
I want them all to be real, so that I can judge and consider myself a far superior person.

*sulks*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:15, closed)

*offers monkey*

*when Bert attempts to take monkey whips it away and comes in his eye*

*kicks Berts shin*

Ha HA! Angry Pirate!
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:16, closed)

Arrr....
ye be crossing the line, now matey.

Now come in my mouth so hard it shoots out my nostrils.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:18, closed)

Woo!
*comes in Berts mouth so hard it shoots out of his nostrils*

It's like all my birthdays and christmases rolled into one revolting session of depraved sexual practices.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:20, closed)

I'm not familiar with
a mexican avalanche. someone care to enlighten me

my favourite move, for the record, is either the spiderman or the rodeo
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:23, closed)

Mexican avalanche me now!
I'm a dirty whore!

@Vipros -come in my hair, then throw me down the stairs.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:24, closed)

nice
but why mexican?

I'm confused
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:28, closed)

I'm guessing here,
but Mexico isn't reknowned for it's mountainous regions, so I guess you'd have to create your own avalanches.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:30, closed)

I guess that makes
some sense
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:37, closed)

...and in old el Mecico
you could probably get away with it too.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:39, closed)

*comes in Berts Hair*
pushes him down the stairs.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:40, closed)

there's mountains in Mexico
and big volcanoes with snow on. I've been round 'em on a bus, though for much of the time I watched badly-dubbed movies on the crappy TV wobbling precariously overhead.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:41, closed)

THANKS CHCB
you've ruined it AGAIN.

No goats for you next week, go to your room!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:47, closed)

don't give me that crap, Sexmonkey -
like I was ever going to get a goat anyway, with you around.
*huffs*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:48, closed)

Of course you will!
I bring many goats, I share with pretty lady, you see how sexy fun can be with goat.

Then I sell goat to Enzyme or Kaol, double the price.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:51, closed)

Whereas I
get a mates rates deal. I mate with him, he gives me a deal.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:00, closed)

Deals
normally involve goats, soiled monkeys and Liza Tarbuck.

Nobody ever wants the Tarbuck.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:01, closed)

I'd have the Tarbuck
She's got a nice face and she's pretty funny. I'd definitely do her.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:07, closed)

ME TOO!
We have so much in common!

*bounces*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:25, closed)

okay this is getting scary
How do you feel about Kiera Knightley and Kirsten Dunst?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:34, closed)

I'd like to fuck them
over the head with a pickaxe, that is.

Kiera Knightly is a plate-faced mong, and I don't see the appeal of Kirsten Dunst.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:56, closed)

Ah, finally we differ
Actually, I don't really care for Keira, but I did have a thing for Kirsten for a while. But shes heading off the rails a bit now.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:58, closed)

PAH!
Keira is stick thin (like me, but I prefer women with curves) and looks like she might be sucking on a sour lemon most of the time.

Kirsten Dunst is alright I suppose, she just hasn't ever seemed to jump out at me.
Even as a cheerleader in Bring It On I was more interested in the brunette from Buffy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:01, closed)

Mmmmmmm
yeah, she was nice. And of course Buffy, mmmmmm Buffy.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:08, closed)

Nonononononono
Not Buffy, though she was quite cute, the girl with the long, dark, wavy hair who was also a slayer, Faith I think her character was called.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:15, closed)

Faith
got a bit spoiled when I realised that the actress who played her also played the little girl in True Lies.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:21, closed)

...o_O
Now I feel dirty.

Same goes for Hayden Pantierre (spelled wrong deliberately muppets!), I saw her in something when she was about 6, so I can't fantasise over her, and she's a cheerleader!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:33, closed)