I work as a teacher by trade.
The school where I work is quite old, and as such has one of those coal cellar things. It's basically a tiny room no larger than 10x10 feet, accessible through a trap door and with a small air vent just big enough for someone to crawl through leading out into what is now the cemetery of a local church. We try and keep the students in the dark about this thing, but it's a school and rumours spread, and we often have to warn the little shits away from playing in there and getting trapped or something.

Anyway, one day I began plotting about some of the fun I could have with this pit (apart from getting off with the well fit history and french teachers in there), and I told a few friends about it, and they were more than up for it. So we chose a day, and decided "let's go for it".

It was a Friday, and chances were that at least one kid would be near the cellar after school, and lo and behold there was one, a monstrous little turd called Wayne. Picking him up by the scruff of his neck I screamed "RIGHT! YOU WANT TO SEE THE CELLAR? SEE IT ALL YOU LIKE!". I carried him over to the trap door and threw him in. He started screaming for me to let him out but I put the bar across and smoked a jazz cigarette and started listening to an audiobook about clouds. After an hour or so of this (and by the time most of the kids had gone home) I took out the hose I had brought with me, attached it to the school septic tank and sprayed him down with shit. His fault for not climbing out of the vent and legging it home. I repeated this cycle a couple of times (phatty, audiobook, shit hose) before his lump of a brain caught on and decided to make an exit through the hole.

Cue phase 2 of my plan! Using a leaf blower I had filled the vent with rusty nails, razorblades, used syringes and glass powder! The little toad faced an agonising crawl through this tunnel of hell, covered in shit and bits of sick. Halfway through I had set up some strobe lights that went off at random intervals, and war sound effects cranked up to deafening levels. He was in the tunnel for a good couple of hours, scared out of his wits and physically and mentally exhausted, and then to top it all off, he came out in a graveyard! It was about midnight at this time, and I was crying and shaking with laughter!

This is where my friends came in. They came up to him and pretended to help him, asking what had happened and who his parents were. They pretended to call his mum, and claimed that they were going to take him to the hospital and meet her there! And like a wazzock he went with them! He got into their Honda Accord and they drove off into the middle of nowhere and raped him in the back! OH YEAH DID I MENTION MY FRIENDS WERE PEDOS! WHAT A LAUGH RIOT!! THEY LEFT HIM BLEEDING IN THE WOODS!!

Anyway, after all that all the students think I'm well wicked now and do whatever I want, the Monday after I ran around the town giving everyone high fives. My lessons often involve me beating all of the kids at street fighter, people applaud me in the halls, I have threesomes with the history and french teachers, I can do 300mph wheelies on my motorbike, my grip is strong enough to crush an apple and that 6 year old hasn't been the same since.
Cheers,
( Lightguy hail satan, Mon 12 Jul 2010, 20:10, 9 replies)

Only ONE Honda Accord.
Not a winner.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Mon 12 Jul 2010, 20:17, closed)

ONE Honda Accord is more than enough for anyone.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 12 Jul 2010, 21:22, closed)

I saw a burnt out Accord in a field the other week.
I tried to imagine the heroics that must have gone on.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 12 Jul 2010, 23:29, closed)

Probably a drunk behind the wheel.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 13 Jul 2010, 0:10, closed)

Drunk with POWER, maybe.
It was an Accord, after all. He probably even shagged a supermodel on the burning bonnet.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 13 Jul 2010, 0:53, closed)

Good point.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 13 Jul 2010, 1:05, closed)

I love this
It is clearly 100% factual as well.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 12 Jul 2010, 20:27, closed)

This will only cause upset.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 12 Jul 2010, 21:12, closed)

History AND French teachers?
Jealous :(
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 9:15, closed)

Cyclical
Enjoyed the cycle of phatty, audiobook, shithose.. sounds like my life
(milescopeland had an imaginary friend, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 9:53, closed)

.
Why did you go to all the trouble of getting a leafblower?
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:10, closed)

proof reading monkey

(waxdart hello., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:41, closed)

.
Eh?

It wasn't a comment on spelling, although looking at it now, I'm not sure what it was a comment on.

Monkey I'll concede though.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 13:39, closed)

Why did your friends
rape him in the back?

In the arse would have worked better.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 18:33, closed)

*brofist*

(Vlad the Inhaler forgot his password, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 19:23, closed)