I feel I wasnt honest enough last time
in my earlier post so here goes again.

Dear Women

The reason we havent done what you asked is that you noticed it needed doing, not us. We dont give a shit. When you go away, we live in our undercrackers, and tidy up in the 3 minutes before you arrive back, and fake it.

Thanks

Men.


Dear Men. Some tips.

Spraying a little Mr Sheen in the lounge implies we have been polishing. Of course we havent, we've just sprayed a little Mr Sheen in the air. Found some dust? We missed a bit. But women forgive us because we tried.

The hoover leaves little tracks on the carpet like a well groomed lawn. This can be replicated fairly easily by running a book along the carpet a bit, against the grain. A well placed 'hoover line' in a womans line of sight as they come in the house implies we've hoovered the whole house. Shifting a few key items of furniture a few millimetres implies we not only hoovered round, we moved them and to hoover properly. She found some dirt? We missed a bit. But at least we tried.

Squirting some bleach down the bog, again implies further cleaning. In reality, we squirted some bleach down the bog.

Whilst youre in the bathroom - dont jif the bath/sink/other enamel. Jif the taps. They come up beautifully after about 5 seconds. They go very shiny, and distract from the rest of the room. Believe me, shiny taps pretty much override any bits you dont do.

Fluffing up the cushions on the sofa - is a quick and easy technique that fools the observer into thinking more must have been done. The genius of this trick, is that its a finishing touch. Finishing touches - by very definition - are done at the end. They imply many hours of previous work.

Kitchen floors can be cleaned thus; throw a tea towel on the floor, and then stand on it. Shuffle around in the dirtiest bits. Job done.

Washing up. I dont have a good one for this if you dont have a dishwasher. Other than leaving everything in the sink to soak for a day or two and then rinsing off under the tap. Obviously everything in the world pretty much dries on its own, this is a timing issue. What is however the icing on the cake - is putting everything away, and wiping down the sink and kitchen tops. This, I have found, pretty much guarantees that you are really thoughtful and thus, she wont leave you when youre 48 and bald. You'll at least get to 50 when so you wont feel as bad when you fall back on Plan B for your life - which is essentially to live in a cool flat, and pay high class escorts to fuck you until you die happy.

All of the cleaing tips above can be completed - and I mean all of them - in 3 minutes or less.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 10:20, 6 replies)

Ha!
If you think that fools your ladywoman you are sadly mistaken.

We. Know. Everything.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 11:21, closed)

the fact that you think and say this
shows how fully you have been taken in by the deception.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 13:29, closed)

Touché.
But nein!
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 16:47, closed)

ja
you are compounding your folly by denying it

those in the know are now sniggering at you from behind their steepled fingers

or something
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 17:01, closed)

stop living in fear of your designted bint
fuck me, the reason they are only women is because they don't have any balls

please don't blur the boundaries any further

we already have sandy toksvig
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 17:17, closed)

Oh Yeaaaaaaah
Many of these I did to Mrs. Kite; she believed me! Actually, drying washing up is an infection control nono as germs can be smeared around. So leaving the wet washing up is actually making sure you both stay well.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 22:19, closed)