Brickies
hod enough of'em.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 30 May 2010, 0:13, 4 replies)

Mental health people
I have a general dislike for anyone in the business of fixing things: Doctors, lawyers, auto mechanics, etc. I distrust them all, because they "provide a service", so I am expected to pay them for the service regardless of whether the service did me good or ill.

The worst of these are the mental health people. They come with various letters after their names, indicating the particular prejudices they have been trained in. (BTW, "CHT" can be Clinical Hypno Therapist or Colon Hydro Therapist.) Many of them can impart some useful information, but that is done within the first 20 minutes of the first session. After that, they would like you to come back several times for "help".

Of course there is no objective definition of help. If I eat at a restaurant and find an eggshell in my sandwich, I get the sandwich free. If the therapist provides no help at all, I'm not trying. If the sandwich makes me puke my guts out, I can ask the health inspector to shut them down. If the therapy has me puking my brains out, I'm fighting the therapy.

I have OCD. I have always had OCD. I will always have OCD. Telling me I have OCD is not help. Telling me I don't have OCD is not help. Telling me to stop having OCD is not help. Telling me to act like I don't have OCD is not help. And telling me to plan on not having OCD is not help. If I were blind the therapist would tell me I'm just making it harder on myself by not seeing.
(Barticus, Sun 30 May 2010, 0:05, 8 replies)

Sewage workers.
Shitty fuckers.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sat 29 May 2010, 23:02, Reply)

Catheterophiliacs
they're just asking you to take the piss
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 May 2010, 22:36, Reply)

Snake buggerers
How low can you get?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sat 29 May 2010, 21:47, 1 reply)

Upper-body double amputees are OK
they're 'armless.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 May 2010, 21:24, Reply)

Double amputees
they're all low-down bums
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 May 2010, 21:11, 2 replies)

Stilt walkers
looking down on everyone
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 May 2010, 21:10, Reply)

Paraplegics in any job
can't stand them.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 29 May 2010, 21:00, Reply)

Urologists
Always taking the piss
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 29 May 2010, 20:52, Reply)

Vorderman
Money grabbing Harpie; "People know Im smart and good with numbers, so ill take your money thanks Mr Firts Plus and say how good it is even though its at 11ty million% APR".
(kitescreech still here, Sat 29 May 2010, 20:19, Reply)

Let us be very precise...
Auto-electrical repair technicians.

For those of you for whom "a quick furtle under the bonnet" is a chucklesome euphemism, there are essentially two systems within every car.

There are the sensible bits that mix air, petrol and a spark together in appropriate quantities, turn stuff round and pump the waste out of the back. Sometimes tricky, but with a Haynes manual and a decently equipped workshop, mostly manageable by your average grown up. And mechanics who deal with these bits are generally reasonable, helpful and will gladly explain everything to you if you like. If this is not the case walk outside your main dealer or KwikFit and ask a random old man washing his car on a Sunday where he goes.

Then there are the electrical bits that make lights come on, music play, the battery recharge and get the spark to the bit where it mixes. These aren't straightforward. They are fucking voodoo. Even the best built modern car has a collection of random wires, components and fuses that look like that tower PC you built in 1989. And have mostly been put together about as well. Auto electricians combine the "this'll do" cack-handedness of your worst ATS trainee mechanic with the purse-pilfering lip-pursing smugness of your most irritating household electrician.

If you have an electrical fault in your car either it can be found quickly and repaired with a new component/wire and a couple of blobs of solder. Or your car is fucked.

There is no middle ground. It's either a piece of piss or your electric mandolin fund is gone and lost to a guy spending an afternoon holding a multimeter in various points around the front of your car as if he was trying to get HeartFM on your Dad's bakelite Hunter.

These guys think nothing of handing you back a car with most of it's dashboard in a box and instructing you to source an out-of-production circuit-board from a scrapyard. And charging you for it. Any car they judge "safe to drive" will most likely die in an instant at 70 on the M4 outside Swansea. Any sage words of wisdom like "oh, no, it's not the alternator" will result in an AA patrolman peering cautiously at a wisp of smoke coming from an alternator dripping with melted plastic.

They deserve their own circle in Hell. And will never be paid by me, for anything, ever again.
(nordelius, Sat 29 May 2010, 20:09, 11 replies)

Anything with the word "Agent" in the title
In job title terms, "Agent" stands for "I am a ratfuck stood in the middle of a bottle neck. I propose extorting cash from you to string you along feeding you crumbs and telling you shit."

I had hoped the internet would destroy all estate agents and employment agents, and that now there would be some Youtube channel devoted to gameshows where they are compelled to fight each other for our amusement.

Why hasn't it happened? WHY GOD WHY?

Too much? That was a bit too much, wasn't it? Apologies.
(Garnett, Sat 29 May 2010, 19:44, 1 reply)

Creationists
They won't make a monkey out of me.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 29 May 2010, 19:15, Reply)

Watch thieves
I've got no time for them.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 29 May 2010, 19:12, Reply)

Shepherds
Flockers!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 29 May 2010, 19:02, Reply)

Sheepdog trainers
they can whistle
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 May 2010, 18:58, Reply)

Young actresses cast in the role of Heidi
They get my goat.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 29 May 2010, 18:51, 1 reply)

Quantity surveyors
I can't tell you how much I hate them.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 29 May 2010, 18:46, Reply)

Torpedo operators
Don't really float my boat either.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 29 May 2010, 18:45, Reply)

Ventriloquists
Make dummies out of all of us.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 29 May 2010, 18:44, 4 replies)

Manure spreaders
They're a shower of shit!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 29 May 2010, 18:43, Reply)

In Defence Of Teachers
Firstly, yes, I am a teacher.

At first glance, yes the working hours are lovely and the holidays are great. Hell, even the pay is good if you like the idea of educating the masses.

However you could probably split teachers into two groups based on these 'facts'.

The first group are those who have been slagged off on these very pages. They're only in it for the good holidays, 8.45-3.10 hours and the reality that despite being rather shite at their job they'll probably never be sacked unless they hit or touch up a child. They'll get frustrated when they realise that teaching these days basically means being as much a parent more than anything to most kids (including those with serious disorders who can't cope in mainstream school but are forced to be there because of goverment policy on 'inclusion'). They'll start to show signs of rage when asked to meet particular targets or give extra support to classes who aren't meeting expected standards in terms of grades. They'll scream at a kid who's forgotten a pencil. They'll ignore parental requests. Their classrooms will be grey and dull. They'll do the classic 'chalk and talk' routine to kids who these days need a little more stimulus than a textbook. They'll be the ones who'll have a lovely retirement because they've coasted through the job and got a decent pension out of it.

Then there's the rest of us. Who work a 8-6 most days because they're working hard planning lessons to incorporate every child they're responsible for when teaching. They'll phone parents after school to talk through Little Jimmy's problems. They'll put effort into writing reports beyond 'must try harder'. They'll spend their holidays writing schemes of work, running extra-curricular classes or trips abroad so that kids really do get a well rounded education. They won't snap when a kid is being a little shit because of crappy parenting (rather, they'll show the kind of manners they expect from the student in the vain hope they'll remember that for next time). Most of their evenings will be spent a) marking b) processing data c) creating posters and resources to stimulate and motivate d) planning lessons e) finishing off reports from observations of trainee teachers... They'll know their kids inside out, especially the ones who are on the ever growing Special Educational Needs register. And they'll be the ones who conform to the statistic that on average* that teachers croak it 2 years after retirement.

Guess which group moans the most about being a teacher?

Guess which group has to put up with the shit caused by said moaners?

Exactly.

Yes, some teachers are twats, but don't tar us all with the same brush. At least we're not Estate Agents (basically committing fraud by getting paid for a job they don't do), Parking Attendants or Tele-marketers. Some of us really do work our arse off.

* - Yes, it's true apparently. 2 years life expectancy after retirement for teachers. Mind, that's on average, so for every teacher ploughing on for 10-15 years afterwards, there's a teacher who carks it after walking out of the school door. Such is life.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 29 May 2010, 18:13, 11 replies)

Dictators
they take liberties
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 May 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Computer Repairmen.
The Tale of the Laptop that Worked But Didn't (But Does)

My laptop is irreparable. Well, officially, anyway. I have a document from technicians telling me that the laptop is a write-off and I should buy a new one. This laptop here. That I'm writing on. Right now.

I'll tell you all about it, shall I?

The screen froze last Sunday, so I took it into a repair shop. The following conversation happened:

Me: "Do you do laptop repairs?"
Them: "Yes"
Me: "Oh good. My laptop's screen keeps freezing. I think it's a loose cable. Is it possible you could check it out?"
Them: "How do you know it's a loose cable?"
Me: "Because the screen keeps freezing".
Them: "But it could be a virus"
Me: "No it can't. Because when I squeeze the screen, where I'm guessing the loose cable is, the laptop works fine"
Them: "But it could still be a virus"
Me: "What sort of virus effects HARDWARE?"

They then convinced me that all I needed was their "Care Package", and they handed me a piece of paper. They took the laptop, and said it would be ready in three days.

A second conversation took place via phone the next day.

Them: "Hi, it's the repair shop"
Me: "Right"
Them: "Yeah, we found out the problem. It's a loose cable"
Me: "I know. Is it fixable?"
Them: "Yeah, we could get a new one in. It'd cost though."
Me: "That's fine"
Them: "Yeah. To be honest mate, you're probably just gonna need a new laptop"
Me: "... What?"
Them: "Yeah. Get a new laptop. We'll send this back"
Me: "So.. it's irrepairable?"
Them: "I'm not saying that"
Me: "If you're saying the only cure for this is to GET ANOTHER ONE, then I'm pretty sure you can't fix the problem"

So, I went to collect it the next day, and they charged me £55. They wouldn't let me have my laptop until I paid them. I asked them "what service am I paying for exactly?". They told me that they did a service check, and found the loose cable. (The loose cable I told them was causing the problem). They then said my battery was broken what?) and that it couldn't be fixed. £55 please.

I paid the man, because I am fickle.

I went home and studied my laptop. I pressed the power on button, and it didn't load up. Odd. So I plugged the battery in. The battery that the shop decided was broken.

The battery worked.

I thought logically. "The screen works if I squeeze this bit.. there's a screw right next to that bit... I tightened the screws around the laptop, and it works now. I fixed it with a knife. A cheeseknife, if you wish to know the full details.

The screen worked.

Loading up my laptop with the working screen and working battery, I noticed it was having problems booting up. It was giving me an option to format my C://Drive. I didn't want to do that. I phoned up the shop.

Me: "Hi, it's Friz. I just picked up my laptop. It's not booting up properly"
Them: "That's because of the loose cable"
Me: "No, I fixed that."
Them: "Well, the battery doesn't work"
Me: "Nope. Fixed that too. Why won't my laptop load?"

I heard muttering down the phone. Then, I heard my CD drive going mental, so I ejected it. I found that they left a CD in my drive. A CD with some sort of booting programme called "Hiren's 10-Z". I restarted the laptop.

The laptop worked.

They then got back to me.

Them: "Hello, Friz?"
Me: "Don't worry, I fixed it."

So, my laptop works. I spent £55 for the advise to buy a new one. I've been suggested to go back to the shop and demand a refund, but a polite email from them says that I agreed to the service charge before giving them the laptop.

When did I agree? Look a few lines up. Near the beginning of the story.

They then convinced me that all I needed was their "Care Package", and they handed me a piece of paper. They took the laptop, and said it would be ready in three days.

That piece of paper was a bill. Accepting means that I agreed to the service.
(__, Sat 29 May 2010, 16:51, 7 replies)

Proctologists
pull your finger out
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Sat 29 May 2010, 16:43, 3 replies)

Gong farmers
they take a lot of shit.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 May 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Dealers of freebased cocaine and baking soda
crack me up
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Sat 29 May 2010, 16:28, 1 reply)

acommodating clumsy miliners
they'd do anything at the drop of a hat
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Sat 29 May 2010, 16:23, Reply)