Orchestral conductors
What - they think waving their little wand about influences the musicians? Nope, the musicians keep perfect timing themselves through practice...
( Signify, Thu 27 May 2010, 22:02, 11 replies)

Especially when what they're doing bears no semblance to conducting/keeping time
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpU7dFz5oGM&feature=related
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 27 May 2010, 23:09, closed)

Not technically true
As a professional musician, I can safely say that a lot are not good at keeping time. Also, it's sometimes *incredibly* difficult to anticipate the beat, and having a visual aid will help when the trombones are playing in 2/4 while you're in 5/8. And the conductor's main job is to listen to the ensemble and tweak the levels, something no player can do while he's right in the middle of it.

Granted, there are some awful conductors.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 27 May 2010, 23:43, closed)

^This
My time-keeping is terrible without a visual aid :(
(Home Bargains was last seen wanking like a safari park chimp:, Fri 28 May 2010, 0:33, closed)

I concur
Trying to keep in time in a group of anything larger than 4 or so without a conductor is damn near impossible. I feel sorry for the organists in big cathedrals, all the way at the other end from the Master of Music, so he has about a second's worth of time delay to deal with. Never been entirely sure how they manage it...
(Omnizor Spooning bits of road for breakfast., Fri 28 May 2010, 9:14, closed)

A CCTV camera/little mirror showing the conductor
and enough practise to have the skill to play a fraction of a second ahead of the conductor so the organ coincides with the choir.


/was an organist.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 28 May 2010, 13:36, closed)

*salutes* Respect.

(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 28 May 2010, 14:58, closed)

undeserved respect, I'm afraid.
I'm ok at solo stuff, but absolutely hate accompanying in any way, shape or form. Simply cannot do it. Main instruments are singing/flute anyway, organ was a vaguely lucrative backup.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 28 May 2010, 17:10, closed)

I had a few friends who thought they'd try for organ jobs (for churches)
and found that they really, really sucked at it. Similarly, my AS teacher was a professional organist and explained how difficult it is. So I heartily respect anyone who can do it.

Accompanying, on the other hand, is the bane of my life.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 28 May 2010, 17:47, closed)

Funniest concert I ever played in
We were playing as a wind dectet (2 flutes, 2 oboes, 2 clarinets, 2 bassoons, 2 horns). Due to illness, our bassoon player had to call off, and the conductor decided he was going to fill the gap. Cue everyone staying vaguely in time until the bassoon solo, which said conductor messes up, improvises for three bars (in a Classical piece... very funny, not a good idea though)... and then shouts "TWO THREE FOUR!" to get the rest of us to start playing from the next entry.

When we got off the stage, he congratulated us and asked if we thought anyone had noticed. Err....
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 28 May 2010, 14:54, closed)

So...
...conductors are basically fader panel + producer in a single organism.

Thank you. After years, I finally understand!
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:38, closed)

Pretty much ^_^
Although I've never heard a producer come out with some of the gems conductors say:

(These are all about Fantasia on Sea Shanties)
"Play it like a pirate slag!"
"We need a bigger bottom. More bass!"
"I know this is hard and fast, but we'll just have to whack it out as quickly as possible."
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:27, closed)