'Soap Experts'
I was a rubbish student. In my three years at St Foljambe De Fwar-Fwar's Metropolitan City University Academy of Excellence (formerly Bumhole Poly), I struggled to live up to the most basic of stereotypes. Not for me the surfeit of casual sex, the stealing of traffic-lights and the waking up in a kebab. Housemates would gasp in disbelief at my habit of including vegetables in meals and everything. I was well shit.

I did, however, manage to find time for the regulation gawping at daytime TV. Yes, I saw Chris Morris' welcome invasion of pretend-current-affairs-pishfest The Time The Place. I was there when indie outsiders Pulp mimed their legendary crossover performance of Common People on This Morning. And, once a week, I would swear like a fucking trooper with his balls caught on salt-n-vinegar barbed-wire when that same show gave airtime to their cunting 'Soap Expert'.

She was called Tina Baker, she looked like a rocking-horse's anus and her job description probably included the phrase 'wry, sideways glance at the week's soaps'. Once a week she'd sit in her bloody chair, pulling her bloody face while she made her bloody remarks about the comings and goings in Albert Square, Ramsay Street and wherever it is Coronation Street's set. And it got right on my wick.

What grated for me was the sheer pointlessness of it all. Her job was to talk about what had happened on TV, show a clip, make what she thought was an achingly clever quip, then struggle to contain a look of self-satisfaction akin to a cat who’s just shat a perfect ampersand. Worst of all, she only had one ‘joke’; Refer to two typically calamitous tragedies to befall a soap character, then add a light-hearted third one. i.e. “It’s been a bad week for Phil Mitchell. His dog died, his garage burnt down, and just WHAT was he thinking wearing that shirt?!” “Poor Cindy. First she’s diagnosed with a terminal illness, then she gets shot in the face, and worst of all, Ian Beale turns up and blah fucking blah”.

I have no idea if she’s still peddling her sorry act today. I suspect though that, considering people willingly pay actual money for the likes of Heat magazine in return for in-depth investigations into whether a Big Brother 5 runner-up’s cousin prefers scones or hammers, she’s probably about to be revealed as the new messiah.

(Crikey, imagine having to be a messiah. Your mate betrays you, you get nailed to a cross, and just LOOK at the state of those sandals!!!!LOL!!!111!!)
(costas, Thu 27 May 2010, 23:13, 12 replies)

wikipedia has the answer
i'll save you the googling:

Tina Baker is a broadcaster and journalist and a leading British soap opera and TV critic. She has featured on many TV programmes such as, Coronation Street Secrets, The Good Soap Guide, How Soaps Changed the World, Big Brother's Big Mouth, and The Top 100 TV Christmas Crackers. She is well known as the soap opera expert on the morning television programme GMTV and is member of the judging panel on the annual British Soap Awards.

Tina worked as a presenter/reporter on TV-am in the 1980s.

However she is probably most famous for appearing on ITV1's reality TV show, Celebrity Fit Club in which she lost a total of 2 stone, 7 pounds. She was voted by the panel of judges including politician Ann Widdecombe, and tough marine trainer Harvey Walden as the most outstanding contestant on the show, due to her commitment and constant weight loss, each week. Since Celebrity Fit Club, Tina has qualified as an aerobics teacher and motivational fitness coach, as well as running several marathons and charity races.

Tina's other work credits include magazine and newspaper columns. In recent years she has written for TV Times, Soaplife and Woman's Own magazines, plus The Sun, The Mirror, Teletext and various websites. She broadcasts on numerous radio stations, including BFBS, BBC Radio Five Live, Radio 2, The Asian Network and many regional stations.

(Born 4 May 1958, in Leicester, England) she's married and has 5 rescue cats.
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Thu 27 May 2010, 23:34, closed)

clicked for rocking horse's anus
and the shat ampersand

liked your writing
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Fri 28 May 2010, 10:16, closed)

*click to the OP*
and 5 rescue cats? doesn't bode well for her sanity, does it?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 28 May 2010, 14:44, closed)

"waking up in a kebab"
*click*
(lochii, Thu 27 May 2010, 23:47, closed)

You get a click just for the Chris Morris clip

( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 27 May 2010, 23:50, closed)

click
for rocking-horse's anus and a funny rant
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 28 May 2010, 0:34, closed)

Yet another click
but for "scones and hammers". Together, they fight crime!
( Fronds are waving gently on, Fri 28 May 2010, 1:27, closed)

messiah ...
'click'
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 8:35, closed)

You get a click for 'akin to a cat who's just shat a perfect ampersand'.

( Bob Todd whee, Fri 28 May 2010, 10:10, closed)

Click for "St Foljambe De Fwar-Fwar's Metropolitan City University Academy of Excellence (formerly Bumhole Poly)"
And for identifying a profession worthy of hate.

There's also the chubby Welsh one who writes for the Daily Mail (reason enough in itself for hatred)
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 28 May 2010, 17:22, closed)

I also give you a click
For the perfect ampersand
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Fri 28 May 2010, 23:24, closed)

click
for, just, well everything.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Sat 29 May 2010, 16:48, closed)