'Nightclub DJs'
You know who you are, you work at the big chain venues, you think the sun shines out of your arse, and because you work in a big name venue, seems to give you the God given right to act like you're the bollocks.

The reality is the complete opposite.

You got the job because you know the manager, you've joined an agency because you're incapable of getting work yourself, or your mate already works there. Your venue is busy because the company you work for spends thousands on advertising, people are not there to see you, you are simply employed to keep the customers in.

'Taking the piss' out of your customers over the mic while your boss is watching is not 'witty' - it's offensive, unless you know that person, personally. Doing the same to other guest DJ's just makes you look unprofessional, and you sound like an arse.

Stop playing the same playlist, just because your laptop/kaleidovision has last weeks still left on it and you can't be bothered to look up the weeks charts, or even try something new.

If someone asks for a track to be played, then if it fits, fucking play it, if it doesn't, then don't, but at least have the decency to tell the person why, that's part of your job, and part of the skill involved of being able to fit the tracks together in the first place.

People spend lots of time and money to produce records in multi-million pound studios, so the next time you're 'headlining' - remember, you're getting the credit for playing other people's work, it's not yours, don't act like it is so. That's like my 5 year old daughter claiming to be an artist because she uses the same paintbrush as Andy Warhol.

No-one gives a flying one about who's sung the track, they probably already know, save it for important stuff, like greeting your regulars, making people feeling welcome, or actual useful stuff. If it's not worth saying, don't say it.

Do NOT MC - or get your mate to do it, you sound terrible..

If you get another DJ who's booked to play on your night, don't tell them 'how you'd do it' - that other DJ's probably been booked to play, because your boss wants to hear something different from your usual repeated bollocks, and take it as a hint that you're on your way out. Change the record (*chuckle*) or leave graciously.

Do not bad mouth said DJ when you eventually get binned, as it's probably your own fault you got sacked in the first place.

Yours truly,
That other DJ.

*Edit: Oh, and if you're a radio DJ, and you're good at it, stay in your studio, as the majority of you are terrible when you're live..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 28 May 2010, 11:15, 4 replies)

Brilliant.
Never did go much on the whole superstar DJ thing when they are doing little more than playing someone else's real musical skills.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 28 May 2010, 13:49, closed)

Totally agree
Only DJ'd student unions (yes I know, usually godawful cheese or mopey indie, but it was good money) when I was a student, but it was always worth remembering that I was there a) to make people dance and b) to make people drink. That's what they paid money for, and they enjoyed themselves doing both things.

I completely agree with you on radio DJs too. Might as well turn up, press play and then go and sign autographs.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Fri 28 May 2010, 14:40, closed)

Radio DJs...
I knew a DJ who used to have a popular soul/dance music show on Radio London. He played a decent selection of stuff and I thought he was quite good. I saw him DJ live at a nightclub once and it was obvious he didn't have a clue about the music genre he was known for. His manager/show producer told him exactly what tracks to play at the club and I suspect the same applied to his radio shows.
I also knew Tim Westwood in his early days and he didn't have a fucking clue either.

All that said, I do like DJs who can execute a few decent mixes - at least there's some skill involved.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:12, closed)

You surely don't mean Robert Elms?
His show is now mostly fascinating talk about London's history with a heavy smattering of cabbies' knowledge, but I vaguely remember hearing him DJ a fantastic mix of soul stuff at a London club that has long since escaped my memory...
( sanityclause is waiting until, Fri 28 May 2010, 20:26, closed)

No.
Not Mr Elms.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 29 May 2010, 5:51, closed)

I've been doing this job for 16 years now..
..and you come across some right characters, I've worked in all kinds of venues, rock bars, fun pubs, big nightclubs, you name it, there's a chance I might have done it.

I never differentiate between any music genre, I love it all, and have had more fun playing in the local Roxy, than covering a large superchain of clubs on some occasions. It's all down to who you're entertaining at the time, keep them happy, and you'll have a brilliant night.

The places I prefer, are the few remaining privately owned, or small company venues, which don't have a music policy run by some arse in an office on the other side of the country. Some of the roughest places I've worked have had more atmosphere than some of the trendiest wine bars.

There are loads of great DJs out there though, they're not all bad, these are usually the quieter ones, who work the circuit at their own pace, stick to what they're good at, they're generally a lot older too. It's the young wannabe wankers who've just got a pair of Pioneers for Christmas, or a laptop, and after beatmatching 3 tracks together in their bedroom, suddenly think they're Pete Tong that wind me up.

The dance club DJs are the worst though, real egos, especially if they've got their own 'night' going - when I say 'night' - it usually consists of a DJ (them or their mates) a couple of banners on the wall, and a room.

Some party DJs can be a bit nasty, especially if you work the same night as them, I've been accused of stealing jobs, undercutting others, and all kinds of dirty tricks, when the bottom line was they were just unreliable, too pissed, or simply terrible.

I only work 2, maybe 3 nights a week, and I get paid to play music I like, meet new people, and have a laugh in the process, I even get free beer in most places!!

I've never really understood the rivalry to be honest..

That said, I still draw the line at radio DJs - they really are terrible live, and they too, really do love themselves.

Not to be the pot who calls the kettle, I was like this in my younger years, until one of my mates asked why I was acting like such a twat, made me realise that I didn't have to be better than everyone all the time.

There's a post in this QOTW somewhere that suggests one should sit in the corner of a room and listen to a group of people (career managers or something), and you'll see the real side of people slating each other. This definitely applies to DJs.

A while ago, I was browsing stand up comedians on YouTube, and I came across this guy, don't really know that much about him to be honest, he goes on a bit and seems very angy at everything, but this piece he does on DJ's hits the nail right on the head:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyRDDOpKaLM

DJ'ing - Brilliant profession. Full of twats.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 28 May 2010, 18:15, closed)

Henry Rollins is great
I haven't seen much of his stand-up comedy stuff but he did a lot of RAWK in Beavis and Butthead times.

He also made a track with William Shatner that I love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KM6pYG1DQ4s
OK, in this case with puppets, but it's just superb.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Fri 28 May 2010, 20:35, closed)

Having watched the 'Rave and Rock' link I posted again..
I decided to check out his other videos, he's a little rantish, but once I got past the shoutyness, I found him to be rather interesting.

He's a good storyteller is'nt he?

Never heard of the guy before, so I did the old Wikipedia search, and I was quite surprised to discover that he's done loads of stuff, a lot of which I've seen/heard and not even realised.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 29 May 2010, 8:56, closed)

DJs can be replaced by computers.
It seems you didn't get the memo. :~)
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 28 May 2010, 19:32, closed)

In some places I've visited..
.. I wish they were.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 28 May 2010, 19:39, closed)