Wanking did you say?
"The Homecoming"

I was once driving from Nairn (near Inverness) down to Hertfordshire, a journey of over 500 miles and about 10 hours in a crappy old Daihatsu with a top speed of 85mph. I'd listened to some tapes, listened to the radio, I was bored. Very bored. So I decided to have a little tug on the A1 as I was passing through Northumberland.

There wasn't much traffic about, it was quite late, about 9pm and winter so it was pitch black both inside and outside of the car. No one could see what I was up to as I "zoomed" southwards in the fast lane.

It was an OK wank, nothing special but it did the job and before long I withdrew my hand from my underpants. The area from my index finger to my thumb was sticky, I had no tissues or rags to hand so I licked my fingers clean. Wasn't much I could do about the mess in my pants though.

The thing I find about long journeys is it's better to get them over with as quickly as possible. I'd made this journey a few times and never stopped for a break. If I stopped, I didn't want to start again. I had to keep on going so I lit a post-onanal cigarette, wound down the window, sat back and relaxed.

Have you ever sat in a chair with your own spunk trickling down your arse crack for hours on end? I can confirm that it is not the most pleasant of sensations. Then, as the gloop starts to dry out*, a crust forms which binds your hairs together into a kind of pubic mohawk with your tip peaking out from underneath looking like a toothless one-eyed punk rocker. That's how I sat for the next 250 miles.

When I arrived at my destination thinking "thank fuck that's over", I flung open the car door and jumped out for my first stretch in half a day. "Aaargh! Fuuuck!". I had almost managed to garote my own glans with a pubic cheesewire. Thankfully, upon later inspection, my shaft had proven to be robust and instead I had managed to rip out a sizeable patch of hairs which were stuck fast and sticking out from under my foreskin.

I peeled my jeans from my arse crack and went inside.

*It takes about 3 hours to completely dry if you point the hot air blower in the general direction in case you were wondering.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:39, 7 replies)

This deserves a click on two counts:
1. Pubic Mohawk.
2. Pubic Cheesewire.

I guess you counld put the word pubic in front of any noun and I'd laugh.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:48, closed)

This....
... is why boys should get their cracks waxed.
(LadyTramp79 Left a bit, right a bit..., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:57, closed)

What...
...a lovely story.
(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 15:17, closed)

That...
...is the most disgusting thing I've ever read.

Well done.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 19:51, closed)

Revolting
*clicks*
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 4:54, closed)

Foul...

Grim...

Brilliant.

*Clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 18:21, closed)

Cheers for clicks!
I've now thought of a title for this piece: "The Homecoming", quite pleased with that.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:55, closed)