Apparently
I was a very difficult pregnancy. I was a pretty heavy baby. I'm a pretty heavy man for that matter. My head is so big that people think I'm wearing a diving helmet when they see me in silhouette. I can't imagine my Mum would have had a great time of it.

But, leaving aside for the moment the matter of my actual birth, I can't imagine the pregnancy was that great either. Lugging around umpteen pounds of baby that's constantly making you feel sick, playing merry hell with your hormones, demanding increasingly bizarre varieties of food, and kicking your stomach from the inside.

So, as you can imagine, when my dear mother's due date came, and I didn't, she was, to say the least, frustrated, in fact, I imagine she was yelling at the doctor to bring a plunger so she could get me the hell out herself.

Obviously though, the plumbing approach wasn't, and I believe still isn't, really approved as a way to induce pregnancy. So, Mr and Mrs belms Snr asked for some advice from their doctor, and they got given a lovely little pamphlet listing various ways to induce labour, apparently walking, castor oil, certain herbs, nipple stimulation, spicy food, and even sex can all help to pop the little bugger out.

Not one day after he'd sent them on their way with that little pamphlet, my parents' doctor was greeted with the sight of a screaming woman being wheeled on a hospital gurney through the corridors, legs wider than the sky, with a rather flustered looking husband hurrying alongside her.

Falling in step beside him, the doctor beamed at my dad, "So it worked? The baby's coming!"

"Yes" Replied my Dad, "But we're no longer welcome at the Taj Tandoori".
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:56, 4 replies)

You're clearly got
Very open parents! I can safely say without a shadow of a doubt that I never want to hear about any of my parents' sexual exploits in any way whatsoever. As far as I'm concerned they only had sex twice, once to conceive me and other time to conceive my brother, and on neither account was any pleasure involved.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:31, closed)

you think what you like
i can't, i found the joy of sex under my parents' mattress :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 18:48, closed)

unfortunately, i must confess
about a month ago i found a tube of K-Y jelly in my mum's drawer. it's going to take a very long time to scrub that from my memory.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 19:29, closed)

Ha!
Great post, mate!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 17:21, closed)