"What'll it be-aaaaaargh!"
My regular used to be The Old Devil near Maidenhead. Alas, it is now an upmarket gastro-pub, but back in the day it was a den of drunken debauchery, where a round would be six pints of strong, strong bitter, half a dozen servings of cardiac-inducing gateau and a Top Shelf.

The Top Shelf – for those of you not in the know – is a measure from every optic on the bar's top shelf in a pint class. A pint glass takes 18 of these measures, and, if you can stand the taste of crème du menthe, it is a quick route to extreme drunkenness, projectile vomiting and DEATH.

As anybody who works in a pub knows, the done thing when somebody says "And have one yourself" to the barman is to add a quid to the bill and sip something non-alcoholic throughout the evening. Not so Paul, our drunken Mein Host, who, on offered "And have one yourself" would down a shot of the hard stuff on the spot.

And every evening, around ten o'clock, he would reach that point where he forgot where the stairs down to the cellar started.

A punter would come up to the bar, and Paul would stride over to serve them, before falling into the deathly grip of Newton's Law of Gravitational Attraction.

"Yes cock, what'll it be-aaaaaaaaargh!" THUD-THUD-THUD-CRUMP, followed by the sound of landlord skittling into the CO2 tanks that powered the fizzy drinks.

There would invariably be a short, tense pause, before Paul would emerge, blood, spit and vomit down his shirt, his arm hanging at a funny angle and not entirely sure of the day of the week.

"So, that's three pints of Oak, a Fosters and a packet of crisps then?"

"Yeah, an' have one yourself."
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 9:36, 4 replies)

stuntwork....and a pint to boot
woo :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 10:13, closed)

woo
and... How much is a top shelf? seems pretty expensive.
(Hitler's other ball. R soul., Fri 6 Feb 2009, 11:01, closed)

Back in the day...
...and with the staff discount = £13.

These days = arm/leg.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 11:23, closed)

Where I work that'd probably be £36

( Derpasaurus DOG FARTS, Sat 7 Feb 2009, 13:42, closed)