Big Nose
I have quite a big nose. I found this out quite early on at school. I am also built like a streak of piss.

I am now in my early 30s, and coulple of years ago, having left a stunningly crap staff Christmas party, I decided to dip into my local in my borough of Mordor, and have a sharpener before going home.

The pub is pretty empty, and I prop up the bar with a fag and a pint, enjoying a quiet moment and generally just being a bloke, musing on important matters like who would win in a fight between a mushroom and a tomato.

There is a bloke a few feet away from me doing the same.

"Oi." says bloke.

Oh god, thinks I - here we go. I ignore him.

"OI." says bloke, "OI BIG NOSE!"

This prompts me to go a bit Steve-Martin-in-Roxanne on him - "Honestly! Really! IS that the best you can come up with? Do you think it's clever? Do you think its' funny? Do you think it STILL WINDS ME UP? Jesus CHRIST man it's pathetic! It's RUBBISH! Get some GOOD material because that's CRAP!" rar rar rar I rant on for a bit - against my better judgement, I add, as the bloke is really quite big and hard-looking.

Somewhat taken aback, the bloke initially appears to concede "Alright, mate, alright ..." and then the kicker "So, er ... do you fancy a fight?" he asks - almost coyly.

I look him up and down, "No!" says I, "You're about six foot three and built like a shit brickhouse; I'm five foot eleven and built like string! You'd KILL me!" WHAT the fuck gives me the impression that being this shouty and agressive is a good idea I don't know.

"Fair enough." says bloke, and returns to his pint and pondering.

Ten minutes later, he reaches into a pocket, and pulls out a quid.

"Here you go," says bloke, "I bet you a quid down that that bloke over there can't spell dyslexia."

"MATE! I DON'T WANT A FIGHT! WHAT DO YOU NOT GET?!" I shout.

Honestly - some people.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 13:54, 2 replies)

I can't help giggling...
at "built like string".

Oh, and that reminds me of a Spike Milligoon poem
"String,
is a wonderful thing,
Rope is thicker
but string is quicker"
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 14:13, closed)

Clogs
You could have popped in the nads if you had clogs on

still waiting for Big Guitars in Little Europe
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 14:22, closed)