Old Boy George
My local a couple of years back was a backwater sports and social club in the Midlands. Think the Winchester in Shaun of the Dead with reinforced doors and constantly overflowing ashtrays. This is the place where factory workers went to die. When license hours were being questioned by the Daily Mail, the landlord of this establishment (Pete) would keep the taps flowing until 6am so much as you paid a 50p service charge.

Every Saturday, local talent would come down to perform, but in reality they were fodder to the hatred of the locals. These were people who wanted a quiet dozen pints, not thumping hits. More often than not, they were looking for an excuse to boo them off before they started.

One glorious weekend, a newcomer dj was scheduled to play. Think of a 60 year old Boy George in a glittery shirt with a crucifix in his ear. This was our host for the evening, and as he set up the decks, in comes the biggest airhead twat I've ever seen.

For reasons unknown, his attempt to chat up my housemate began with the sultry 'ere luv, you want some coke?', and quickly declined into his ramblings about how he 'was gonna go in the nick with his pa for beating up this poofter, but the pigs hate them fags too so he just got a caution instead' [read: I once shouted at a gay person from my car and drove away before he turned around].

Much bragging continued before we realised the situation this lad was in. One apparently aggressive homophobe. One paintfully flambouyant disc jockey. This would get messy.

20 minutes later and Old Boy George is doing a kareoke manslaughter of 'Every Breath You Take', while Chavzilla is still trying to get into the pants of my associate by further detailing the hate crimes he's taken. Eventually Pete thinks enough is enough, kicks open the fire escape and bellows

'Oi, Marilyn Monroe! Pack your decks and fuck off! (he points to the aforementioned chav) And you can bugger off as well flower'.

'Dun you dare talk to me n me Dad like that mate, we're off!' quoth the chav, as dj and son take the equipment to the van.

Suddenly, a lot of issues at home became apparent as every one in the facility did a double take of what events had unfolded that night.

Narf!
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Sat 7 Feb 2009, 17:14, Reply)