Kneel Before Rob
My parents hated me. Hated me so much they packed me off to a provincial boarding school, just so they could live their gin-soaked lives without the headache of raising a child. For a long time I despised them for it - but slowly I came to realise that those long, lonely hours spent away from home made me into the man I am today. In fact, I can point to one particular incident at school which helped forge my character for life. It was the day I finally held my ground, stood up and was counted.

One of my dorm-mates was an intolerable little runt called Gary. A stick thin, weedy streak of piss but possessed of a certain aura that allowed to form a gang of weaker minded boys. Gary and his gang thought they ruled the roost. For some reason I was never asked to join Gary's Gang - despite the fact they charged round the playground chanting, 'Wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang? Do you wanna be in my gang? My gang!' appropriating the lyrics of one of my favourite popstars.

Gary's Gang had a pretty devious modus operandi. They'd scout ahead for a teacher doing the rounds, then race back to find a victim. The poor sod they'd pick on was then goaded into losing it - right at the moment the teacher arrived, ensuring some innocent little kid was dragged off to see the head, having done nothing to deserve it. One day it was my turn. Gary's crew arrived and the man himself threw a punch. It connected with quite cleanly with my face - but I didn't flinch, I simply looked him square in the eyes and snarled, 'You and me. After school. Tennis Courts.'

Gary backed off and for the rest of the day I built myself up into a boiling, frenzied fury. I would show him. I would teach Gary and his Gang a lesson they'd never forget. They'd wish they'd never crossed me. Lessons ended and I headed over to the courts. The Gang were all there, standing in a perfect circle with King Gary at the centre. Showing no fear I bowled through the crowd and took up my position, legs apart, arms raised, like the prized pugilist I was.

Fight! Fight! Fight! The crowd chanted. And boy were they going to get one. Gary came flailing towards me, I ducked his first blow, neatly stepped aside from his second. And then it happened. Gary tripped on his laces and fell face down in front of me. The red mist descended and I saw my opening. Filled with bitter hatred and venom, I stood over the distraught Gary and pulled my school tie off. Then, I ripped open my shirt, buttons flying everywhere and torso gleaming I bent over him and growled, 'KNEEL.BEFORE.ROB'

My adrenaline levels were flying, I was in the zone. I kicked off my shoes. I hauled down my trousers, hurling them in a fit of fury into the crowd. Then as the red mist descended further, I yanked off my y-fronts and stood over Gary in nothing but my dirty, stained white socks. I could see the fear in his eyes as he looked up at me, silently begging for mercy. Even his acolytes began to back away. Slowly and deliberately I held my greasy cock and began to empty my foul smelling, boiling-piss all over the skinny runt.

Oh how I laughed. Tears of joy ran down my face as streams of urine ran down his. The crowd stared open-mouthed, they could not believe what they were seeing. The mighty was Gary vanquished. Gary managed to scrabble away and he ran screaming to the dorms. I spun round in my majestic nakedness, arms aloft shouting to the heavens. Victory! Victory is mine!

The Gang never bothered me again. In fact, nobody did. I could walk through the playground like a God. Kids avoided me. They'd get up and leave when I sat down to eat. They were too frightened to pick me for their teams. They'd run out the showers when I entered. I can honestly say not one soul came within 10m of me for the rest of my time at school. They were far too afraid.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 12:45, 10 replies)

Long story short, you pissed in some kid's mouth

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 12:47, closed)

Look out for the shit-flingers descending.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 12:49, closed)

Read mine, dr & quiches or wakeupandsmellthebacon's
They're all better.

Soz, Alby but if you want to play with the big boys you're going to have to lift your game mate.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 12:55, closed)

he's much too thick to get the joke and you're just giving the lonely fat prick the attention he so desperately craves

(alright alright, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 13:12, closed)

At least someone got it.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 13:26, closed)

No monsieur, with these responses he is trolling us

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 13:38, closed)

I read that in the voice of Stewart Lee.
It was an uncommonly joyous experience.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 13:28, closed)

needs more Accord of justice
please Mr Mallow put some Accord in
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 27 Sep 2013, 14:51, closed)

fairholme jollity

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 10:21, closed)

I find all of this
ever so boring.
( stevierar, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:44, closed)