Well, here's topical
We were visiting my elderly parents this weekend. My wife woke up on Saturday morning with an intense itch up her left nostril. It was really aggravating and quite painful after she'd scratched it. I was a bit wary of suggesting using the stuff that we put on stings and bites up the nose, so since I was popping into the town centre I said I'd nip into Boots and see if I could pick anything up to stop the itching.

So I duly rack up to Boots and head to the pharmacist's bit, where I'm greeted by a woman with a powerful Eastern European accent. I explain the problem, and she suggests one of those nasal sprays you use for hayfever.

"Well no, I'm not sure that's really what I'm looking for" I said. "That's something to spray up into the sinus and it's actually the nostril that's itching. I was thinking something more like a cream?"

She looked at me blankly.

"Zis is vot ve have for no-says".

"But it's designed to be sprayed well past the point that's itching".

She proffered the box again.

"I suppose she could spray it on the offending part.. but that's going to be messy.."

"Zis is nose spray"

"Yes, jolly good. Look, what I really want is a topical emollient cream that can be safely used in a nostril"

Baffled look.

"Zis is vot ve have for ze hitching no-says"

This discussion was clearly going nowhere. "Right. Look, forget it" I said and I stomped out, muttering darkly. I gave my missus an antihistamine pill and it seemed to help; result, without spending £7 for the pleasure.

Anyway. I was regaling my mother with this story, and concluded it by saying "I suppose language problems are what you can get when you employ foreign staff."

"Hmph" she said. "And I bet she was black"
(richardm, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 10:20, 5 replies)

It actually occurred to me later
that the spray might have worked, since the antihistamine tablet did. But if she'd explained her thinking it would have helped. And I'd have told her no thanks and gone down the pill route anyway; those sprays are expensive.
(richardm, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 10:25, closed)

keep a bottle of lavender essential oil in your house.
you can use it for everything.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 31 Oct 2011, 10:25, closed)

Enticing old ladies,
for fun and profit?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 10:41, closed)

And sexual gratification.

(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 31 Oct 2011, 11:07, closed)

I lost my grandmother in similar circumstances,
you insensitive cunt.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 11:24, closed)

You're the one who lost her, buddy.
You should take better care.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 31 Oct 2011, 11:30, closed)

She's most likely stuck in a box,
under a policeman's desk. I like to think that it's what she would have wanted.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 11:51, closed)

more likely she is wodged under a wobbly table leg in some pikey's caravan.
coppers are fucking useless.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 31 Oct 2011, 11:55, closed)

Your casual use of the racist epithet "pikey" has upset me greatly.
I could put you on ignore, but I instead choose to make a fuss, call for you to be banned, and flounce off in a massive strop.

MODS, PLEASE BAN GRITTY, IMMEDIATELY.

Honestly, I can't remember ever being so upset. I thought that b3ta was a place for genteel humour, and high-quality photoshop demonstrations, not this vile nonsense. Personally, I blame Bryan and Janet. Please ban them, too. You won't be seeing me on this board, again.

ps. the police are useless, though. Fuck them.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 12:07, closed)

Oh, shut the fuck up, faggot.
You really do carry on like a nigger-loving jewboy.

I don't want to go out on the step. That kitten out there has sad, satanic eyes that eat at my soul.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 31 Oct 2011, 12:21, closed)

*bums*

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 13:48, closed)

*rinses*

(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Tue 1 Nov 2011, 0:10, closed)

I really thought this was going to be about the relationship between
the sizes of nostrils and fingers.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 10:46, closed)

I don't see this as a racist issue
I see this as a safety issue if the staff dispensing drugs can't even communicate with the customers.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 11:16, closed)

Well
of course it was my mother's random assertion that I was holding up as racist, but actually you make a good point.
(richardm, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 11:37, closed)

I see this as a
rambling pointless witter.

Wait, what was it about? His girlfriend had picked a hole in her nose, and some woman in Boots couldn't udnerstand what he said, and his Mum thinks black people are stupid? Something like that.

Scintilating stuff.
(username failed moderation, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 12:57, closed)

Thanks
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
(richardm, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 14:50, closed)