Revenge of the Barman: Part IV
Some moons ago I was working in an estate pub, a spit and sawdust affair with plenty of local characters.

Although officially a barman, I also heated up bar snacks such as chicken burgers, beef burgers and hot dogs in a funky little halogen oven type thing (I hadnt been promoted to Saturday cheese and onion baguette chef yet).

One regular customer was a real source of irritation for me. He would be the person that knew everthing, had to be centre of attention and spitefully picked on some of the older blokes trying to enjoy a quiet pint. This loudmouth had some kind of ongoing liver disease, and had carried on drinking despite warnings to the contrary.

He and I sparred quite few times until turning to confrontations, they hit a hiatus one day and he royally pissed me off.

A couple of days later he came in and ordered a cheeseburger and a pint of Carling. The burgers usually needed defrosting before being put in the halogen oven. I didnt bother this time, so when it seemed hot enough I added ketchup, along with some optic cleaner, greasy unidentifiable black scrapings from the bottom of the halogen oven, some cigarette ash and a slice of Lidl's finest processed cheese to finish.

I brought the burger to the bar, and proceeded to pour a pint into the glass i had kept under the bar especially for him as it had a small dash of optic cleaner in it. One of the chemicals in the cleaner had laxative effects if ingested so the more the better. He drank, ate and left early.

I didnt see him for three long weeks during which I had some terrible thoughts about liver disease/chemical reactions. He was normally in the pub come rain or shine - at one point I convinced myself that I'd killed him.

But the bastard returned with a vengeance, complaining to the landlord that a dodgy burger had given him viral gastroenteritis. He recounted how he had been shitting blood at one point and had been taken to hospital in an ambulance. Despite being forty something, he still lived with his mum and the whole episode had given her a chronic fear that he was dying of liver failure. Which he did in the end.

Not guilty your honour.
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 15:27, Reply)