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This is a question Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Many years ago, I went out with a chef. Kitchens are merely vice dens with food. You couldn't move for people bonking and snorting coke in the store room. And the things they did with the food...

My personal vice was chocolate mousse - I remember it being very calming in all the chaos around me. I think they put things in it.

Tell us your stories of working in kitchens, bars and the rest of the nightmare that is the catering trade.

(, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 9:58)
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Plump cow with special sauce...
A few years back, I used to cover the occasional waitressing shift at the place I worked.

I didn't mind this. I worked hard, was polite to the customers, & made a bloody fortune in tips. Same went for most of the waiting staff.

We were relied upon to administer our own breaks, with no formal times given to us. However, it was generally understood that no more than an hour or so in total of the course of an eight-hour shift was considered to be the norm, & that's what we all stuck to.

Except for this one girl. A lazy, pudgy little heifer who I shall call That Tubby Bitch, for that is her name. Honest...

That Tubby Bitch would spend at least fifty percent of her working day sat on her arse in the staffroom doing bugger-all, regardless of how busy the place was, or how many other waiting staff were available.

As if this wasn't irritating enough, That Tubby Bitch also had a painfully obvious crush on my bloke, who also worked at the same place, & would practically fall over herself to get down to the staffroom whenever he was on break.

One day, I got asked to cover a shift as two staff members had gone off sick. That Tubby Bitch was the only other person waitressing, & predictably, left me doing all the work on what turned out to be one of the busiest nights of the year. Just as I'm finally about to break for lunch with my bloke, & am on my way to the staffroom, plate in hand, That Tubby Bitch, (who had already eaten several hours earlier) comes rushing past (having spotted my bloke) after having been out of the staffroom for no more than about 15 minutes, claiming to be gasping for a ciggy.

When I eventually do get to eat my rather cold lunch half an hour later, it's nearly the end of the shift. That Tubby Bitch comes into the staffroom & sits down next to me, acting all buddy-buddy. And has the nerve to ask me to share my tips with her, as she hasn't made much that night.

That was it. I somewhat loudly informed her that maybe if she'd actually done some fucking work, she'd have some money of her own, & that the only tip I'd consider giving her would be how best to fit her fat head into the kitchen oven.

A passing manager overhears this, asks me to explain myself. Which I did, backed up by other members of staff. Manager sends her out to do some work for the last couple of hours under strict instructions not to return to the staffroom until the end of the shift, & tells me to take half an hour's break & chill out.

All well, & good, but there was no way I felt like chilling out. I wondered around the staffroom for a bit kicking random objects, until eventually, the bloke decided to pass through the staffroom on his way to the bog.

A swift explantion of what was wrong, & the bloke disappears to the prep room (where us waiting staff made the sandwiches for the customers). He returns a few minutes later looking pleased with himself, but won't tell me what he's done, as there are now other people in the staffroom.

About five minutes later, That Tubby Bitch is escorted into the staffroom by a female manager. Said manager escorts her into the locker room to collect her coat, & the off the premises.

Eventually get home a couple of hours later, & get to ask the bloke what he did.

Turns out that just before he came in to use the loo, he heard one of our very fussy regulars ask for a sandwich & a cup of tea. This woman, who put quite a lot of business our way, tended to be a bit on the rude side to staff, & never tipped. As a result, she was somewhat paranoid about people tampering with her food, & would throughly inspect anything before eating it.

The bloke had managed to get to the door of the prep room unseen, & discretely watch as she finished making the sandwich. And then sneak in unobserved, steathily bring up what he described as "the biggest blob of booger-throat-glop you've ever seen in your life" into the sandwhich, & sneak back out again.

When said fussy customer went to inspect her sandwich, the 'special sauce' was immediatly spotted, & the manager called.

That Tubby Bitch was formally dismissed after a displinary hearing the following week. Result!

*Insert length joke here*
(, Sun 23 Jul 2006, 22:18, Reply)

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