Ex-girlfriend is a cheeky bitch
I'd gone through a fairly messy break up with one of my ex-girlfriends after I found out she'd slept with someone after her office Christmas party. I called an end to it straight away but she was one of those "We can still be friends though, right?" types who don't even understand what they've done. Anyway, a couple of months later she phones me up in work asking, as a favour, could I advertise for a lodger for her on our work intranet as she was struggling with bills since I left. I couldn't believe the audacity of the women so posted a message that was probably a lot more honest than she bargained for. It ran thus (yes, I kept it!):

HOUSEHSARE OFFERED
On behalf of an ex-girlfriend who still believes she can get me to do stuff for her.....

Room to let in houseshare close to central Newport. Preferrably to easy-going, professional male 28-35. Must be cat lover, constantly say how nice the cats are, make no mention of the fact that they stink and willing to put stupid, stinking cats on a pedestal at every given opportunity. Even though they never go out, crap everywhere and are the most obtuse and backward examples of the feline species ever to purr. Not that they purr very often, they're usually too busy fighting. Must also not mind the constant stench of strained vegetables and tobacco as owner is a duplicitous, cheating, scheming, vegetarian smoker who believes 'monogomy' to be a type of hardwood.

A willingness to do lots of nice things without appreciation or acknowledgement would be beneficial as would the desire to pretend to like classical music, Shania Twain or Megadeth depending on what day of the week it is.

Help with household chores and maintenance would be expected though constant criticism in this regard should never dampen your enthusiasm for the task. Particularly when you've done something out of the goodness of your heart in an honest attempt to please.

Erratic mood swings and behaviour are available en-suite at no extra cost as is an unbelievably dodgy group of friends and an overbearing and dominating set of parents. Any good things that happened to you during the day should never be brought up in discussion as owner will take this as a sign to snap after the day she's had. Any bad thing that happened should be similarly hidden as this will again infuriate owner and result in the reading of the "You don't know what it's like..." verse.

Finally, ideal candidate should have close friends that they hold dear so that owner can attempt to come between them. Also it would be a bonus if prospective tenant was considerate and good-hearted with an endearing innocence and child-like wonder at the great things in this world so that owner's coldness and total lack of compassion has maximum impact.

On cessation of 6 month contract, no bond will be returned and owner will come clean about what really happened on that night at the Celtic Manor.... but will still contact you whenever a favour is needed.

Previous tenants have gone on to great things..... alcoholism, depression etc. etc.

£250 pcm to include household bills. Own share of telephone bill extra.

For further info. call 079** 98**30 and ask for Rhian.

(Disclaimer: I'm aware that the majority of women are wonderful beings sent to make this world a better place. I just picked a bad 'un).

The only difference between the version posted here and the original is that the original didn't have the phone number blanked out. Apparently she had several "strange" phonecalls but never did find a lodger.

Sorry for length...
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:23, Reply)