I was on the Danny Baker show two weeks in a row with this one...
Let me recount my trip into an actual circle of HELL. This being, as you might have already guessed, Manchester.

For reasons far too complicated to explain, I got hold of some tickets for a Man United match at Old Trafford. Away end only, you understand, supporting the poor saps who were about to get a lesson in football from the legions of darkness.

The catch being that we had to get up early and drive up from the south coast with a chap called Brian.

I'd never met him before - the whole deal was done through a mutual friend called Geoff - and Brian trolled up in his Ford Fiesta and we set off, him driving, me reading the map, Geoff in the back offering bad advice.

It was as we headed north that he admitted after covering only about 20 miles in the first hour: "I don't drive on motorways."

Ah.

He wasn't particularly good at A-roads, either. Or taking directions, all of which he patently ignored.

I should have noticed this on account of his devious plan of ignoring all road signs that said "M5 NORTH", veering off in the opposite direction as if they were sending his beloved Fiesta over a cliff.

"Turn left here," I said as Banbury disappeared very slowly in the rear-view mirror, followed by a desperate "Left... LEFT... LEFT!!!!!" as he turned right, anticipating a short-cut that would eventually resolve itself Northampton.

At three o'clock - as the match kicked off at Old Trafford - he switched off the engine, got out and stretched his legs before declaring: "This is close enough."

We were alone in a car park.

A church car park.

A church car park in Coventry.

We had missed Old Trafford by a piffling 82 miles, and we turned round and headed back to Dorset.

We should be home in a couple of weeks.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 18 Jul 2011, 12:47, 3 replies)

no wonder danny baker got cancer.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 18 Jul 2011, 14:14, closed)

Hahahahaha!
*cough*
Cancer is no laughing matter, young lady.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 18 Jul 2011, 20:43, closed)

"I'd never met him before - the whole deal was done through a mutual friend called Geoff - and he trolled up in his Ford Fiesta and we set off, him driving, me reading the map, Geoff in the back offering bad advice."
Took me far too long to work out that Geoff wasn't really driving, whilst simultaneously sitting in the back seat.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 18 Jul 2011, 20:47, closed)

Geoff WAS very tall

( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 18 Jul 2011, 21:47, closed)

Now edited to make you look stupid
Ta, by the way
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 19 Jul 2011, 10:19, closed)