swipe - 1, latin - 0
i was always in trouble for something at school. nothing major, just detentions for wearing makeup (forbidden), jewellery (forbidden), kickers shoes (red and green labels forbidden), not doing homework and skiving lessons (ok, understandable). my real nemesis was the head of latin, an evil little virago called mrs bitch. i was one of 4 people dumb enough to be doing latin a-level, and mrs bitch hated me more than any of them. it was entirely mutual. we hated each other.

one day, she interrupted my halting catullus and ordered me sharply to take off my makeup. i decided to make a stand.

"mrs bitch," i said pleadingly, "i'm 18 years old. i can vote, i can drive, i can get married, i can drink, but i can't wear mascara on my own eyelashes?"

mrs bitch drew herself up to her full height (four feet ten inches) and hissed: "get to the toilets and scrub your face. and if i catch you wearing makeup again, my girl, you'll be suspended for a week." which, in the case of my shit-hot on straight As parents, would have been instant death.

so the next morning, doing hair, rolling over skirt etc, i thought about my timetable. double history with the divine (and also clearly gay) love of my life, then a break, then double mrs bitch. so if i put the makeup on for history, i could wash it off in the break. sorted. i promptly covered myself in slap and drove off to school.

by coincidence, i was sitting next to my best friend viv in assembly, which never normally happened because we were in different classes on different sides of the school. i was about 137 miles away from the sermon, fantasising about something or other, when viv nudged me. "what is mrs bitch doing there?" she hissed. i looked up. SHIT. mrs bitch was glowering at me from the top of the 6th form entrance to the hall, clearly having clocked the tonnes of makeup on my face. "and over there..." viv nodded, and gradually we realised that there was a senior member of staff at every single entrance. fuck. i was fucked. and not in a good way.

a plan had to be formed quickly. so as we stood up to leave, i whipped off the 6th form blazer and tie, shot forwards with the 4th years, blended in, and disappeared down the fire exit under the stage. probably the last time i did any running, but i ran over the other side of the school before anyone could shout "swipe!", arriving for history very flushed and very early. i had also collected my friend evie (eees nice!), who had been skiving assembly to do her homework. the pair of us were covered in makeup.

about half an hour later, three of the class were still missing. they turned up 45 mins later, glittery eyed, pink cheeked, and furious. apparently the teachers had been stopping all members of the 6th form and inspecting their faces for makeup. anyone wearing it was made to line up in the hall, whilst the staff marched up and down, giving out detentions, and ordering people to scrub their faces. those with acne were humiliatingly "allowed" tinted moisturiser. when they explained this, the gorgeous (gay) history teacher turned and stared at me and evie.

"make up?" he asked slowly. we blinked back through the 17 layers of mascara that we thought was subtle. he eyed the pair of us for a moment, then shrugged and carried on. the second the bell rang, i was in the toilets scrubbing away with toilet paper like a sumo wrestler's arsewiper.

and by the latin lesson at 11am, i was clean as a baby's bum, and three times as smug.

ok, it's long, and ok, you really had to be there, but this remains my greatest triumph to date, so you should pity me!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 14:39, 5 replies)

I had it down as "Rachel's wipe".

(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 14:51, closed)

say it out loud
R swipe
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 14:59, closed)

hmmm
doesn't sound so great, being called that out loud...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 18:30, closed)

Damn fascists.
Ours was worse; they would make you scrub your face in front of them so they could see it come off and have evidence to chuck you in detention. My mum played hell when it happened as I had epic acne at the time :(

I think this QOTW is going to make me angry...
( Maladicta, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 19:33, closed)

(click)
For Latin, and the word Virago in context.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 12:44, closed)