The Miseducation of The Stig......
I hated school days. When I was a wee Stiggy, I was always told by Mummy Stig and Daddy Stig that "School is the best days of your life. You'll realise that when you're older".

Well, now I'm a grown up Stiggy and as far as I can see, I still spend the same time in work as I do in school (roughly 08:15 to 16:15), but the difference is this:

I get paid for my time at work.
I get paid holidays.
I only have one sadist telling me what to do, as opposed 5 or 6.
I can drink tea at my desk.
I don't spend my free time doing homework.
I don't wear a uniform and can wear clothes that I WANT to wear.
I get benefits and perks with my job.
and if I don't like my job I can quit.

Mind you, I wound up the teachers at school a treat. See, despite hating school, I appreciated that I need to have a good education behind me (not easy when you go to a comprehensive). So, I knuckled down and did my work. With a few exceptions (i.e stuff I wasn't good at, like art and history, which was a shame, because I liked those two subjects), I never got below a "C". I even won an award for getting the highest science grade at GCSE for the year of 1995 at my school (trust me, the bar wasn't set very high!).

However, as I learnt in Physics, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Where I was good in work, I was an absolute terror in the rest of the school!

Past exploits include:

Taking a 6 pack of "John Smith's" to school and drinking with my mates.

Getting drunk from said 6-pack (I couldn't hold my alcohol very well in those days), going to a science class and nearly blowing up the lab. (That incident set me on the path to getting a degree, with honours, in chemistry)

Telling a teacher, who I still hate to this day, "F*** off, you ginger c***!". (In the days, when I used to swear).

Playing swordfighting with a couple of soldering irons and burning each other.

and stealing stuff from school.

I do have a few good memories from school, though......and here they are:

1. Our headmistress had a bit of a fetish of the sound of her own voice. Regularly, she'd wander around the school and shout randomly (i.e "Slow down!", "Stop chewing gum!", etc). This fetish spiralled out of control when she used school funds to buy a mega phone for her to shout from (our textbooks were falling apart and she's buying a £200 megaphone?!). So for the next few weeks, we had to put up with her voice amplified at a volume that people could have heard in Japan. Then, one day, she started using a whistle and shouting again, the megaphone had gone. Why was this? Anyway, one day in science class, the teacher was helping our table out with a problem and the topic of the headmistresses' megaphone came up.

"Why has that old cow stopped using the megaphone?"

The science grinned and nearly laughed.

"Come on, Mr (name removed to protect the innocent). You know something! What's the reason?"

"Apparently, someone broke into her office stole the megaphone and left a note on her desk saying "If you can't use this responsibly, then you can't be trusted to have it!".

2. (My favourite) Every school has one of these. The good looking girl, who's a right cow to anyone "beneath her". That means, geeks got it, I got it, less good looking girls got it, everyone got stick from her.

This went on for years, until one day a couple of new girls arrived and they were STUNNING! I mean, they made Anne Hathaway looked rough as a bear's behind! My initial thought was "Oh Jeez! Now we've got it in surround sound!".

But over the next few months, I noticed a change in school stunner's demeanour. She's was becoming unsure of herself, less confident and less talkative. What was going on? Turned out the new girls, didn't like the school stunner and started picking on her! While this made me laugh, I thought "Oh dear, there'll be a point when I'm going to cop it!".

Then one day in computer class, I was feeling absolutely rough due to the 'flu. I was waiting for the bell to go, so I could go home and recover over the weekend. Sitting next to me was one of the new school stunners.

"Oh god, I feel sick!"

"What's wrong?"

"I feel like death warmed up! When will class finish? I want to go home!"

"Why don't you put your head on my lap and rest for the rest of the lesson?"

At this point I'm looking around to see where Jeremy Beadle was hiding.

"What?! Put my head on your lap?!"

"Yeah! Come on!" She patted her lap.

I turned to my mate, to see if he was hearing was I was hearing. He smiled, nodded and gave a look as if to say "You jammy git!" I gingerly, leant down, onto her lap and got comfortable.

"You all right down there?" she asked.

"Oh yes!" (Years before the "Churchill" adverts). "I'm feeling better already!"

I faced the ceiling and copped a close view of her chest. Did I mention she had huge knockers?

"You just enjoy the view!" She said.

So I spent the rest of the lesson, doing exactly that!

3. This story starts in a French class. I was busy listening to the teacher, when this fairly, good looking girl, comes in, and sits next to me. I'd never seen her before, but she was good looking and I know my level in the pecking order of school, so I didn't speak to to her and carried on with the class. About 10 minutes into the class, she started chatting to me.

"Hello! I'm Susan (not her name, obviously)."

"I'm Stiggy." I turned back to my work.

"What's going on?"

"French, I think."

"I'm stuck on these questions."

"No problem." and I helped her out. They were easy enough.

She started getting very chatty and I talked back, but always recognised where I was in the pecking order of the school. About 40 minutes into the class, I sighed.

"What's up?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Come on, what?"

"Oh, this kid is giving me hassle."

"Who?"

Without thinking, I replied, "Oh (name removed)".

"Why is he giving you hassle?"

"No idea. I think he's now pally with other kids, he think's he can score 'cool' points hassling me."

"Oh...."

No more was said.

French class finished, I packed up, said goodbye to Susan and hoped I saw her around.

I, then, went to Maths class. When that finished, I had lunch and went to English class. I came into the classroom, sat down and noticed that a few children were laughing at someone. I wandered over to find out what was going on. It was the kid who was giving me hassle!

"What's going on here?" I said, with a little smile on my face that HE was getting hassle now.

"Hoi! What have you said?" he asked.

"Nothing. Why? What's going on?"

Someone else piped up.

"Have you been speaking to Susan?"

"Yeah. A little. Why?"

"Because, during maths class, she walked up to him (the kid giving me hassle) and shouted at him in front of the whole class! She said 'You better leave Stiggy alone! Or I'll f***ing break your nose! Got me?!'".

I was stunned, then, I wet myself laughing! I didn't bother explaining the story, but he left me alone after that.

So, to the person who stole the megaphone, the school stunner and Susan the pyscho, thank you for giving me a few good memories of that concentration camp they called a school! :O)

Length? 5 years. Muggers get less than that.....
(The Stig, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 20:07, 2 replies)

Megaphone
I had a headteacher who had one of those, it got stampeded :)
Basically a fire drill (everyone runs), she dropped it, thats the end of the megaphone...
Gave me great pleasure to see her make the caretaker clean it up.. lazy cow couldnt do it herself
(macomateo is procrastinating on, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 20:16, closed)

an epic!
but a good one!
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 20:43, closed)