I didn't do much at school...
...Aside from competitive dope smoking, valium/mogadon/ativan popping, getting rather drunk, blowing the sub-station transformer up, rigging teachers only toilet door locks so they didn't throw the bolt. Much fun kicking the door to be had when a teacher was releasing a trouser trout to the wild.
Running beads of superglue along the front edge of desks, for those teachers who like to lean on the edge of the desk whilst patronising someone.
Setting a pair of stinkbombs up under the headteachers lectern so when he leaned on it, they went off during assembly.
Setting off the fire alarms.
Stealing sodium and cooking oil. Flush the urinal, fill the u-bend with cooking oil, then drop as much sodium in as you can. Bang-eth ensues when there is enough piss or after a couple of flushes.. It actually blows the u-bend clean off :-)
Rigging fluorescent light fittings by shorting out the tube pins with silver foil. Bit dull that one.
Rigging the shit trap cisterns so when you flushed, instead of the cistern refilling, it pissed water everywhere. As the cistern wasn't filling, the ballcock valve wasn't shutting the water off.
Charging capacitors up and leaving them lying around. That fucking hurts when you forget which is which :-)
Recreational arson, which sadly didn't catch as well as I'd hoped.
Removing all but two hinge screws from doors.
Those hydraulic damped door closers?. Full opening damping makes them a bastard to open. Zero closing damping makes them slam shut with remarkable force. Reverse that and the door opens easily enough against the spring pressure, then stays there. All day. Fully open....
Playing 'So What!' by the Anti-Nowhere League through the schools new PA.
Blowing the fuck out of a set of speakers. I'd recorded the ( then ) new AC/DC album 'Back In Black' onto a metal tape and it was at saturation level. That opening bell chime kicked in, the cones extended, and stayed there.
Total refusal to accept any form of corporal punishment, including yelling 'Are you a fucking paedo or what!' at the head of games, and 'Touch me you fat cunt, and I'll fucking slot you where you stand' to a particularly odious little twat of a housemaster. In front of about 300 other kids. I'd only farted, albeit in a loud and fruity manner, when he has making an important announcement. It was my actual slotting him that finally got me expelled. Well, that and most of the above.
I hate bullies, so if I saw a kid being bullied, I'd deck the bully. Six of them tried to 'get' me. OK, I ended up reeking of cheap perfume ( what the fuck kind of attack is hurling a beaker of cheap perfume anyway ), but I threw one down a flight of stairs, rendering him unconscious and broke the nose of the ringleader before the others did a runner.
Setting off smoke bombs under the stage of the main hall.
Lighting about 36 incense sticks under same stage.
Spending a rather pleasant afternoon mashed off my face under the same stage, up to the makers nameplate in a very pleasant young lady, who was also rather mashed. If we hadn't just smoked a couple of rather large joints and drunk a small bottle of vodka together, I suspect my advances would have been met with a 'fuck off' instead of 'fuck me until I can't walk'. For years afterwards, whenever we met in the street, we both got a fit of the giggles. We'd known each other since primary school. That was the first and last time we got squishy together.
So, which was the naughtiest?
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 18:11, 11 replies)

There's more
I had a 25% attendance record in my 4th year. School psychologists and counsellors were called in. 'Why do you swear so much and why don't you like school?'.
Last on my long list was 'Because he is a creep and constantly tells me how much he wants to cane my arse'
He was a creep, and he kept threatening to cane me, so it was only a teeny exaggeration. That was the cunt I thumped.
I hated being treated as a retard merely because I struggle to write and frankly I was bored most of the time, plus I'd discovered the joys of drugs, alcohol and girls.
What really wound some of them up though was I was a model pupil in chemistry, physics, maths, metalwork and the engineering courses at the local college. In other words, subjects I found interesting, taught by teachers who couldn't give a flying fuck about my writing, just my understanding of the subject.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 18:42, closed)

*Sits in stunned silence for a bit*
Ermm, I don't know where to start really, anyone, anyone...? I hope your adult life has worked out more satisfactorily.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:05, closed)

Well I think it's safe to say he doesn't struggle to write anymore.
All this creative writing must be wonderful practice.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:18, closed)

Write
As in hold a pen and make a series of marks recognisable to others.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:32, closed)

No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:37, closed)

It has
Turned out rather well really.
Realising what an utter cunt I'd been, and the damage I'd done, has meant I've diverted my energies in a more positive direction.
Other than the sub-station, and a little creative arson and dabbling with explosives, as you do, it was more mischief than anything else. Borne of boredom. I've been quite a calm badger for many years.
School just did my head in.
When the Acorn Archimedes came out, I ended up teaching a couple of teachers from my former school how to use it. They recognised me. I suspect they thought I was going to be a total twat to them, but quite how I'd manage that and get to keep my job I don't know. I just dealt with them as I did everyone else.

The old school has since been knocked down and rebuilt as some sort of academy now. My eldest went there for a short time, and one of my nieces has just started.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:30, closed)

Good for you.
(That sounded a lot less patronising in my head than it looks in print)
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 15:32, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 19:50, closed)

Wow.
Your mum took a lovely photo of you there.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:32, closed)

Welcome to ignore Brayndedd
You insufferable cunt
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 14:37, closed)

I
bet you drive a Honda Accord as well.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:10, closed)

No to the accord.

( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:31, closed)

And no supermodels
Or megadrugs either!
Just normal ones we'd pinch from our parents, except the dope.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 20:46, closed)

no.
Loser.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sat 10 Sep 2011, 22:20, closed)

Oh sweet Jesus
Not only do you sound just like my son, you LOOK just like him, too.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 23:47, closed)

I pity your son:-)
Looking like me is not a good thing.
Do a gif merge between Fr.'s Jack + Ted, then shave the head to give yourself an idea of what I look like nowadays. There aren't any recent pictures of me on the Internet. Before I went totally grey, I looked like Ozzy. Maybe closer to Gomer Pyle or the hybrid listed above now.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Sun 11 Sep 2011, 7:24, closed)

Christ.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 11 Sep 2011, 2:43, closed)

I think he was more the water into wine kinda thing. Don't think he was at school then though.
(Freakmandu, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 1:48, closed)

Well you were clearly a dick of the highest order back then, BUT
...you entirely redeem yourself with the phrase "...up to the maker's nameplate in..."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 14:51, closed)