INCULDING OBLIGITARY PALM TREES & CAMELS
Mandy Thompson completed her piss easy talk about Bethlehem, complete with camels made out of blu-tac and toilet brush palm trees, and sat down.

Fuckin' bitch - Mandy Thompson always picked the easy ones...

At my incredibly relegious Catholic secondary school the RE teacher - a demented ginger lady who looked like she'd come to work with a semi automatic weapon along with her cling filmed cheese sandwiches anyday now - used to make us draw lots to choose our monthly projects. This month was Places from the Bible. Mandy Thompson got the easy one. I got something incredibly fucking hard. So, I took the only sensible, reasonable course of action - I forgot all about it and went out and played football after school every night until the night before the project was due.

But when I actually sat down the night before with my dad's Encyclopedia Britanica, a big bit of blank paper, and some crayons I'd nicked from my little cousin Rob, I discovered a whole new world of mystery and wonder. Fuck me... The bible had finally had some kind of effect on me...

I was elated. OK, I sort of went off at a tangent - but all the same, why hadn't anyone told me about this place before? To my twelve year old mind it sounded absolutely fucking GREAT!!! This was in the FUCKING BIBLE!!! Eyes wide, trembling slightly, I started to think how to put this down on paper. Being one for a bit of flair when it came to putting together a presentation (they were, after all, very nice crayons and it was a really big bit of paper), I set about doing a modern take on the biblical place I'd drawn out of the hat.

I did a tourist poster - and it was fucking AWSOME!!!

Back to class, Mandy Thompson had finished, put away her diorama, and I stepped forward, unrolled my big bit of paper - and the class went deadly silent. The ginge teacher - Mrs Bannister - went pale and I could almost hear the very perceptible sound of her arsehole puckering up. Ha! My discover was IMMENSE!!! It was time the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD knew about this place!!!

So I began.

I explained it was a nice place to visit. Lots to see and do. I explained that I'd researched the place completely and this was all above board and legit. (After the presentation where I suggested Jesus Christ was an alien from Alpha Centuri, I had a bit of work to do to get the class back onside). And then I went on to discribe my poster, which was basically a crude stick figure bending over and another stick figure behind the first one. I had the foresight to draw big smiley faces on each of them. And beads of sweat. I assumed they'd be enjoying themselves and God knew there wasn't alot of that going on in the bible. And anyway, the Encyclopedia said some people derived pleasure from the act, and I was intrugied. The whole damn world, or at least Class 3B, deseved to know about this revelation. It was up there with the resurrection, in my humble opinion. I'd also put the name of the place in big bold print at the top with the tagline:

COME HERE FOR FUN AND GAMES!!! THOUGH YOU MIGHT END UP BURNING IN HELL!!! With the name of the place in even bigger letters at the bottom. And, of course, a few obligitary palm trees and camels to give it that authentic bible-ley feel.

And that's how - in as much graphic detail as a feckless, fuckwit twelve year old can muster - I discribed the act of sodomy to a class of thirty-three kids and one very irate, red-faced, about to go absoultely fucking Postal teacher.

I managed to get halfway through before Mrs Bannister stopped me and sent me on the all too familiar trip to the headmasters office.

I just felt sorry for the kid who'd chosen Gomorrah - there was no fucking way they were going to top my effort.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 19:31, 4 replies)

clicks from me
great stuff!
(Blue Monday, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 9:41, closed)

nice one,
but: POIDH!
(bloody kraut, a ...ach, there is not enough fluffeh 'ere, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 10:30, closed)

Sodomy
gotta love it, nice one mate
(Lizard King, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 10:36, closed)

Epic
Bumming from the bible for 12 yr olds
excellent Spanky story
( notsosecretagentman, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 12:55, closed)