Post piss up & meeting her parents.
My g/f's father and stepmum had invited me to a meal at a posh restaurant as a belated birthday present. I was under strict instructions to get to her place no later than midday to be picked up and whisked off to charm the in-laws.

No problem. Except that the night before I'd gone out with some mates and got absolutely munted. I'd crawled back to my flat and decided that I was hungry, so I cooked up a one off creation known as "Quorn Jalfrezi" which tasted pretty dire and left a mess on the hob that resembled a Glastonbury portaloo.

Next morning I felt ill. So ill in fact that I gagged after drinking a sip of water. I grabbed a bath, put on my finest white Ben Sherman shirt and made for g/f's house. I stopped for indigestion tablets on the way and felt fine...

An hour later, I was sitting down for starters and wishing I was still in bed. One bite of a bread roll had me scarpering to the bog. The lack of signage in the posh restaurant meant that I stopped in my tracks, puked up horrible red stained, quorn ridden chunder in full view of most of the diners (although out of sight of g/f & co). My shirt was covered in Jalfrezi sauce and I smelt like the floor of a kebab house.

Blushing in shame, I made my way to the toilet, guided by a waitress who could barely conceal her disgust. I washed my shirt in the sink, dried it under the drier and did my best to mop the vomit off my jeans and shoes.

I skulked back to my seat safe in the knowledge that I'd got away with it by the skin of my teeth and having spewed, could enjoy a meal and turn on the charm. Which I did....

Feeling smug on my way back home being driven by g/f's Dad I felt a slight twinge in my stomach. Oh no. The next ten seconds were the longest in my life. I asked him to pull over, which he did. I grasped in desperation at the door handle, pleading with g/f's dad to unlock the door quickly, with my other hand clamped over my mouth.

Bleeeeuuuuuuurrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!

The door opened, but a full two seconds too late. I'd boffed up all over the inside of the car door and to add insult to injury, a large tomcat sauntered over to the now stationary car and started feasting on the chunks of vomit on the pavement.

Oh, the shame
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 25 Nov 2005, 12:36, Reply)