I've just remembered a few..
There was of course the giant phantom poo in the boys 6th form toilets, named Goliath, that was never officially claimed.

Then there was the time I gave myself food poisoning in halls at uni, and spent about 3 days up with no sleep (so scared was I that I would puke or worse in my bed) running between my room and the ladies. Now one of the cubicles had been locked for a week or so and no one knew why. I got into the bathroom to hurl up my latest attempt of a meal just as some workmen came out. Seeing that they had been in there to unlock the mystery door, I thought 'hmm, I wonder what was in there?'
Never look behind mysteriously locked doors. They are locked for a reason.
Some poor person had crapped all over the bog, seat, lid, cistern and bowl. The walls and the floor and the pipes behind the toilet were covered in a splashy brown mess with the occasional lump here and there.
This of course, did not help my already delicate constitution, so I legged it into the next door trap and heaved a bit more.
It got cleaned up pretty sharpish, although if you knew where to look there was still a big stain on the floor.

It has been suggested that it was me in old-ham-induced feverish delirium not realising I had, but I swear I was not THAT ill. And surely there should have been some more nasty evidence in my room or on my clothes if it had been..? Pish, I know what I saw!

But the worst I can think of is one time when were teenagers, and we were hanging out in our usual field, smoking and what have you. It was usual practise to wee in the bushes, saves a walk to someone's house, y'know. But this one time, my friend's brother needed a dump, so he went in the corner of the field.
Apparently out of curiosity he dropped a match on it after 'to see if it would burn'. Well, we learnt our lesson that day, that yes, turds do burn. We noticed a column of smoke coming from it a few minutes after giving up on it doing anything, and started to panic. Now we weren't going anywhere near it, I mean, stamp out someone else's burning poo? So we made Rick do it.
Unfortunately for him, however, he'd come out that day with only his rollerblades...
::shudder::

(apologies for length, but this is the first time I've had a good story)
(niftyshellsuit, Fri 7 May 2004, 17:09, Reply)