oops.
During last winter I'd been cooped up with "Vinterkräkssjukan" Literally translated to "winter vomit illness". Yes, That's right: Besides having Rotten fish, Re-hydrated fish and Suicide as national passtimes, Swedes also have a traditional winter illness that causes you to hoy your guts up. It's tradition: one must comply.

So. Sat at home with a sore throat I eventually got to the point where I had an empty fridge. No more milk, the bread was out, the butter went two days before, and to cap it off I was out of coffee beans. That fateful night I heaved a remorseful sigh, rounded up my spare change and togged up to brave the vile weather.

You know how it is: you're ill, you're feeling sorry for yourself and you drift around the supermarket in your own fuzzy world. I treated myself. I found Dates and Figs, and the coconuts were on offer - 2 for 16Kr - very resonable. Upon reaching the checkout I noticed I'd forgotten to get bread, but who fucking cared; I had dates.

Half an hour later, giggling like a happy mong and sipping whisky I raised the hammer and whalloped the freshly drained coconut. YAY!!! I rekon there's still a small bit under the sofa somewhere... no bother: dried coconut is nice too.

A couple of determined knife-wielding Tongue-out-of-the-corner-of-mouth minutes later I had a bowl of BIG coconut chunks. More joy than I'd had for days as, with a bowl of dates, Figs and coconut I sat with a Fondu fork infront of the TV and poked at bowld of goodies pretending I was in a command center, eating the switches.. If you've neglected to eat coconut since you were kid, go do it. Its excellent.

A good while later, and a few minutes into the umpteenth episode of South-Park, Ms Humpty rang to ask if I was feeling better. "Yep, I've got me some Coconut" I said, my grin most likely audible over the phone as - fiening sophistication - I skewered the last bit and chomped loudly on it to prove my point.
"Be careful with coconut baby, It's a laxative"

At that point time seemed to slow as I mentally replayed the last hours of dietry idiocy*

Fuck.

Double Fuck.

I surveyed the bowl. No dates. No figs... the only testament to my sugar-laden dried-fruit feast was a pile of date stones and the bit you bite off the figs. Not cool. Dried Fruit... in vast quantities.

Life flashes before you at these moments, and I then recalled my grandmother eating 3 prunes at breakfast time to ensure she crapped.... *Three* ... I was in touble.

You know the bit in films when - sporting a face of pure horror - people back slowly away from the evil creature? ... Good. Ever seen anyone try to back away from their own ass? That was me: and a few hours later I was lamenting my inability to escape it..

As noted in "I'm an expert" I am the proud posessor of an ass for which the phrase "Blast Radius" was designed. And a few hours after my feast it was the anotomical equivalent of Sarajevo, My bathroom was a warzone, and I'd run out of toilet paper: When the day started I had 2 rolls left. It was a rough few hours.

Things to eat in moderation
Figs
Dates
Coconut
Peanuts.

I suggest you follow the above advice. The result of failing to do so will result in vast quantities of chunky liquid going though your anus at an alarming pace..
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 28 Mar 2008, 15:59, 6 replies)

Oh yes,
Now I remember.

Ta, and have a good weekend.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 16:33, closed)

Do you mean
Norovirus? We have that in the UK too, and it's also known as Winter Vomiting Disease.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 23:47, closed)

Of course I do.
Well done: have a brownie point.

At the time I originally wrote this story though, the UK media had yet to grasp the fact that the normal "stomach flu" had a name like "NoroVirus" and had yet to go mental about it with claims of an immenent pandemic outbreak.

The rest of Europe however has dealt with noro for - oohh - ages, and takes it in their stride each year without needing any ridiculous media hype.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 29 Mar 2008, 12:57, closed)

It must be nice
to live in a country that doesn't go into mass panic every time they come up with a new name for something.

Mind you, I'd be panicking with the rest of them if I caught it. Sounds nasty.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 19:05, closed)

Addition to list...
Dried Apricots. Not only do they produce the most evil smelling farts, but buckets of shit also.
(drfeck pissshitfuck, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 23:17, closed)

Dried Fruit in general then...
Added to the mental list =)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 1 Apr 2008, 11:58, closed)